FML!!!

You know that former co-worker I told you about a few posts ago, the one I ran into at the clinic on bloodwork day 2 weeks ago?  She had her IUI done a couple days before mine.  We were both on IUI #3.  Well, guess what?  She got her BFP.  And yet again, I did not.

And every time someone who has recently gotten pregnant through IUI or some other ART tells me, 'oh I'm so sorry, I know how you feel/I know how you must feel' I just want to slap them right through my computer.  NO, you do NOT know how I feel.  You have not been dealing with the psychological damage of infertility diagnosis since you were 15 so please, keep your happiness and pity for me to yourself.  You do NOT understand and you NEVER will.

Why is my body so f'ing defective???

FML!!!

ETA: I can't get in to see my Dr. for a 'can we add Clo.mid' appointment until April 25th!  WTF?  The nurse asked me if I wanted to continue doing unmedicated IUI and I said no, I want to meet with my Dr. to change my protocol and I've tried for 2 days to get someone to call me back to set up an appointment and I never heard back.  They only have 1 day a week set aside for follow up appointments.  So, April 25th it is.  

I'm so not going to be able to get emotionally invested in the next cycle.  I can't because I already know it isn't going to work.  What's the point of getting excited or emotionally involved knowing it is going to be a big fat failure going in?  But I can't NOT do it otherwise I'd be sitting there a year from now wondering whether April 2011 would have been the cycle.  Probably not but I'd wonder anyway.

So now I have to pay the new donor IUI fee at my clinic (how nice it came into effect April 1st?).  That means I'll be throwing $800 dollars plus my time down the toilet.  Again. 

Another Cycle Down the Toilet

Literally.

I had some cramping for a couple of hours before lunch.  I was hoping it was intestinal as it was really wide-spread and quite painful.  No such luck.  I went to the bathroom to discover some spotting, dark pink.  One of the benefits of progesterone supplements is that you have to wear liners so at least my underwear didn't get ruined.  I ran to the bank after popping some cramps meds and when I came back headed back to the bathroom before a meeting just to see how bad it was.  It had turned bright red.  I really didn't want to deal with this so I put a tampon in and changed the liner.  Why be reminded of it every time I go to the bathroom?

I now have to cancel a really easy 1-night business trip in the middle of April all so I can do another IUI.  *sigh*  Now I'm waiting for it to turn into full flow so I can call the nurses tomorrow and tell them I'm on yet another CD1.

I haven't heard back from my Dr.'s secretary so I called and left her a message to let her know what happened.  I doubt I'm going to get in to see her before I run out of time to start taking Cl.omid so I think we're just going to have to go ahead with another unmedicated IUI in April and look at Clomid for May.  I've got 2 more vials from my original donor left. My back up choice's new vials still haven't been released for sale presuming there aren't 100 people ahead of me in line waiting for them.  I still don't like any of the other donors available and I really don't want to pay more money for another 3 months of access to their profiles. 

I am beginning to feel like these cycles are a waste of time, not to mention money.  I don't know how it is statistically possible for every single one of the eggs I ovulated to have been crappy.  Is it my donor?  It can't be progesterone anymore since that has stopped the pre-AF spotting issue.  How did my sister end up with the family's fertility and I don't have any?  Why didn't I fall into the 'increased post-miscarriage fertility' group?  My mom did and I'm proof of pregnancy the cycle after a miscarriage.  I just don't get it.

So, my sister gets to continue buying cute little things for her soon to arrive son watching her belly grow by the day, preparing and getting excited about that and moving into their brand spankin' newly renovated home the month he is to be born.  Me?  I get to be excited because I can sleep in this weekend.  That's just pathetic.

I'm Not Wasting a Test Tomorrow

Change in plans.  I will not be testing until Saturday ... if I even get that far.

I woke up this morning to another temp drop.  My temps are quickly trending downward toward my cover line.  And I woke up with a raging headache, the kind of headache that signals to me that AF is right around the corner.  It is almost always, i.e. 99% accurate.  And nothing helps it and it's made worse by the fact that I can smell EVERYTHING.  I just have to suffer through it and hope it goes away after 24 hours, and if not 48.  I know my body.  This cycle is over.

And of course, today would be the day that stomach cramps show up for the first time in years.  Happened some time in the late afternoon and they were seriously painful until about 15 minutes ago.  It has to be something that I ate but I don't know what caused it.

All I can say is that I'm really disappointed this month.  After a m/c this cycle looked so good, complete with what seemed to be an implantation dip.  Based on 3 cycles of information and physical symptoms I'm absolutely convinced that sperm is meeting egg and I'm even getting implantation but nothing is sticking. I don't know whether I'm the problem, the donor is or we both are.  I've only got 2 more vials of this donor left.  I did another cruise through the donor listings tonight and I still don't see anything I'm interested in.  In fact, the number of Xy.tex listings for Canada just keeps dropping.

I just want to be pregnant.  And I want to be pregnant before June so I, at the very least, have something positive to focus on when my nephew is born.  I do not need yet another reminder from my younger sister about her abundant fertility and my lack of it.  And I'm tired of being used by my sister so she can feel better about herself, to soothe her inferiority complex.  Hey, look at me.  I can have kids, I can have biological kids, I can produce grandchildren.  Who cares what you've done with your life?  As long as I have kids and you don't I feel okay.  Ugh!  When did my sister lose her mind?

If only I could just hide out in the house for the next week.

12dpIUI, 11dpo and a BFN

Yep, nothing but a stark white FRER.  *sigh*  I don't know if this means I'm completely out this month, i.e. that temp drop 8dpo was nothing but a random occurrence, or if there is something going on in there that just doesn't show up on a test yet.  Maybe the progesterone is playing with my mind and body this month. 

I just look at where this is headed and I just don't want to go there:

• I've got 2 more tries with my donor then I need to find someone else.  I don't want anyone else.  I really like this donor.  But maybe he is a dud.  Maybe I have crappy eggs.  I don't know.
• Clomid is looming in the future.  I'm going to have to add it after 2-3 more tries unmedicated.  I've heard awful things about side effects.  I don't want to go there either.
• If this cycle doesn't work, I'll definitely not have a baby before I turn 38.  That makes me sad.  It also means that I'm unlikely to have 2 biological children unless my ovaries perform some miracle and I end up with twins or they behave like a 30-year old's ovaries when I'm 40.

I'm also kind of sad because that former co-worker of mine I ran into at the clinic might just have a BFP this month.  She got a faint line on Saturday on a FRER.  Her IUI was a couple days before mine.  If she got a line Saturday, I should have gotten one today if there was anything going on in there.   If it is her BFP then I'm happy for her and her partner but gee, I'm the one who had a m/c last month.  Why couldn't this one have worked?

I need to distract myself by getting to work.  Had my 1-year home inspection this morning and it was nice not to get out of bed at 6 am but sitting here by myself I can tell I need a distraction.

I'll probably test again in a couple days, then definitely on Saturday at 15dpo.  If I get another negative on Saturday I'll just stop the progesterone instead of waiting for a beta on Monday.  If it is going to be positive it is going to have to show up by Saturday.  But we all know how well a BFP on 15dpo worked for me last month.

My Intuition Was Right

Always trust your intuition.  Mine was right this month.  A short-lived BFP followed by a BFN.  I had what felt like pre-AF cramps Thursday night.  Went in for the blood draw yesterday morning and then go to the bathroom to discover bright red spotting even with the progesterone supplements.  I knew what was going to happen.  Later that morning it turned into full flow with the worst cramps I've had in many, many years.  I had to be doped up on painkillers yesterday (and today) and they didn't help much yesterday. 

Based on when my physical symptoms disappeared I've calculated it as this past Wednesday, about 4w3d.  My temp had dropped that morning and I started freezing through the day (and still am), my uterine cramps had disappeared, and my breasts felt different.  That's also when I started getting extremely faint or negative HPTs. 

I went to work yesterday because I knew if I stayed home all I'd do is stew and I'd feel worse.  I didn't get a whole heck of a lot done but I feel better for having gone to work and given my brain something else to do for a day.  Even when I broke down and told my supervisor what happened (she knows I'm doing IUI) and she told me to go home I knew it would be better to stay. 

I got the call from the clinic not long before lunch.  Of course it was a BFN.  I didn't bother to ask for any numbers since I knew that AF had already started and it would be pointless.  I told the nurse what happened because I wanted them to know and because I needed to find out if I could keep going with the next cycle.  I told her that I'd had 3 positive tests at the beginning of the week and things just went wrong from there.  She said "Aw, you were so close."  Yes, I was.  She saw absolutely no reason not to continue with another IUI in March.  Later yesterday when I was absolutely sure that I had full flow I called in to report CD1.  I haven't heard back from them yet today but I expect a call in the afternoon as that's always when I get the calls.

When I got home from the airport Thursday night I called my mom and told her.  Her response:  "That's too bad.  But at least you know you can get pregnant."  Okay, I get it but I had expected something more from a woman who had 2 miscarriages including one in the 6th month.  She said it because she wants me to be positive.  Okay, I get that too but can you allow me a little time to feel crummy first before shoving the positive in my face?  She also asked if they knew what went wrong.  Um no, why would they that early?  Sometimes I think menopause has made my mom's brain obtuse.

Intellectually I know the following:

• At 37 and with PCOS, not all of my eggs are completely and totally crappy
• My donor's sperm can at least get up to my tubes and fertilize my egg
• I can get to implantation stage (which I do think happened in January if my symptoms were any indication)
• One loss doesn't mean that I'm any more prone to another.  Now, with PCOS that's slightly different because our risk of miscarriage is higher than women without it.  With metformin our risk of miscarriage is only slightly higher than normal.

While I know all these things in my head, I'm still not at the point that I'm feeling them.  I still worry that it was a crappy egg, crappy sperm or a combination of both that did this.  Or that there was something wrong with my body that essentially choked off the embryo after implantation.  And I worry that I'll be one of the weird PCOS patients who, for no reason, just seem to have loss after loss.  I also worry that I'll be the unlucky one for whom this was the only BFP she'll ever see.

I'd just like to fast forward through the next few months.

I Think This Cycle Is Done

I took another FRER to see if there would be any change from yesterday.  There was but it is worse.  At least yesterday there was the faintest of lines.  Today?  Absolutely nothing.  I know I'm not delusional; I saw those 3 positive tests Monday and Tuesday.  That means this was a chemical, plain and simple.  I wish that I'd been able to go for a beta on Tuesday but my travel commitments took me out of town this week.  I'm just worried that nothing will show up tomorrow and make me doubt myself and what I saw.

I'd like to have a little confirmation that I was pregnant, even for just a few days.  I know it won't make me feel any better.  Intellectually I know very well that many pregnancies end in miscarriage.  I get that.  I also know that this is not predictive of my future chances.  I get that too.  But right now I'm not thinking intellectually.  I'm still on progesterone and am very emotional, utterly disappointed and sad.  It is completely irrational to worry that this could be my only BFP ever given my age and what are likely to be crappy PCOS eggs but that is where I am at the moment and I can't change what I'm feeling at the moment. 

I just wish the ovarian cramping would go away because it is really annoying and tricking my brain into thinking there is something still going on.

Not Reassured

I did another FRER shortly before supper after holding for 4 hours ... maybe too much holding.  I'm not reassured.  I thought I'd get a good pink line.  Nope, barely anything.  It is really difficult to see and it looks like it might be pink but I can't be sure.

I'm now leaning towards a chemical pregnancy this month.  Those Monday tests with their obvious double pink lines are sitting there on the counter just staring at me.  I feel very sad.

17 dpo - Still In Test Limbo

I followed up my FRER test on Monday morning with one Monday evening because I just didn't believe it.  I got another double pink line.  Both double pink lines are still there, i.e. they are not evaps or some weird false positive.  I followed up Tuesday morning with another one and there is a faint double pink line.  These 3 FRERs come from 2 different batches.

I took a digital today, because I'm insane, and I got a lovely BFN!  I couldn't believe it.  I'm shocked.  I'm still getting cramping.  I would have assumed that if I were NOT pregnant that my corpus luteum would have shrunk by now and that it would only be the progesterone keeping AF away.  My temps have also leveled out, amazingly actually given my post-O temps looked like the Rocky Mountains even on progesterone supplements.  They're still high for me, but more importantly, they became extremely stable at 14 dpo.  My hormones are also off, i.e. I am getting hungry way too early.  I don't mean 'pregnancy hunger', I'm talking about the effect of pregnancy on my PCOS and insulin levels.  Something is very weird, something that I've never experienced before without it actually occurring during AF.

Either that digital is wrong (maybe not as sensitive) or I was pregant and I am no longer.  I don't know ...

I Gave In ...

... and peed on a stick.  Held 4 hours tonight, 10 dpo.  Used a purple dye test.  No EVIL blue dye tests allowed in my house.  And I got a ........

BFN! 

Oh well.  I told myself that at least I'd know before using the digital tomorrow.  I still plan on following up with the digital in the am and, if that one is negative, another digital about 14 dpo before stopping my progesterone.

My entire day tomorrow won't be ruined by a stupid BFN tomorrow, at least.