CD13 ... and a thank you

A big thanks to all my recent commenters.  I have been feeling so awful lately and even though I couldn't even read some of your comments without crying I can do that now.  And your comments certainly help now that I can focus on them and not my pain.  I've turned a bit of a corner this week and am not so focused on the sad parts.  I'm not sure whether I have felt worse because I decided to go ahead with an IUI in March, post m/c.  But I don't know if I would feel better having skipped March.  I certainly wouldn't feel as bad about that cycle not working and my former co-worker getting her BFP that same month.  Maybe this is all still emotions from the m/c.  I don't know.  But I'm feeling better and that's what matters.

Still not looking forward to Clo.mid but if it can give me a better chance of a BFP then I'm okay with it.  Well, okay not entirely 'okay' with it because I still feel that my body should just do something normal instead of having to rely on drugs.  But that might take a couple years and I just don't have the time for that, especially if I want a couple of children.  So ... back to this cycle.

I was getting a little worried about my body's slow progression but things have started to move a bit.  My ovaries, or should I say the right one, are gearing up for something.  I can feel the right one again this month. Totally dominant.  I was anxious to get the blood work results and they've started to shift too:

• E2 = 874
• LH = 14.3
• P4 = 1.52

While I'm not near surge yet it is moving in the right direction.  I'm just crossing my fingers that I'm not just over 30 tomorrow because I think that would lead to a mistimed IUI.  Last month my surge was 47 the last time it was measured and I didn't O until 48 hours later with the IUI smack dab in between.  My February (read m/c) cycle was perfect.  My LH was 76 and I ovulated the day of my IUI.  Perfect!  I can't control this process but I really hope that my body cooperates just enough that I have a shot at a BFP.  I just don't want this one to fail because of a timing issue.  That would totally suck.  Not to mention it would be a waste of perfectly good sperm and my money.  :-( 

Oh yes, I'm absolutely convinced this cycle is going to be a bust but I can't help but hope that maybe, just maybe, I'll have a good egg, the right sperm will get in there and we'll get a perfect BFP.  I'm allowed to dream just a little, right?  But I do have to say that pretty much giving up on this cycle has made for a less stressful week.  Treating it like it isn't going to work, not planning on temping or testing is really bringing my stress levels down.  So is focusing on my Clo.mid appointment with Dr. V.  I'm just focusing on cycle #5.  Ignore #4 ... ignore it ... it's an attention seeker so just ignore it ...

CD12 ... My Slow Ovaries

Things are starting to drag this cycle.  My levels are not going up much.  Correction: my E2 isn't going up much and my LH is going backwards. 

• E2 = 533
• LH = 8.8

I've spoken to the same nurse all week.  She said at this point an LH of 8, 9, or 10, including one that goes backwards, isn't of any consequence.  But there is no way I'm going to O on CD14 this month.  I really doubt it will be CD15 either.  An IUI on the weekend would be nice so I don't have to use a sick day to deal with the inevitable cramping and my desire to just lounge.  ;-)

I'm slowly coming around to Clo.mid.  I am feeling a bit better about it today.  I just wish we'd been able to add it this cycle.  Perhaps I wouldn't feel the lack of hope this month.  I also gave in last night and paid for 3 months of access to all the donor profiles.  I've narrowed it down and have some interesting stats which I'll share in a future post.  I'm casting a wide net this time and will request a ton of profiles and hopefully I'll find a good back up to my back up, one that I'm happy with and even a 2nd back up that that one. 

And that's about it.  A totally slow day, even for my ovaries.

CD11 & the Waiting Continues

My blood work seems to be a little more on track today:

• E2 = 411
• LH = 10.04

I was a little worried that my LH was a high in comparison to my E2 for CD10 but it appears to be well within normal today.  Good thing.  I'm thinking O on CD15 again this cycle.  A consistent CD15 O every cycle would make me very happy.  Crossing my fingers that my E2 and LH continue to rise appropriately this week.

I had a bit of a craptastic day.  That's my new favourite word, 'craptastic'.  I find myself in a constant state of minor numbness.  So, today started like any other day with that undercurrent of emotional numbness.  But then 2 online friends at FF asked me how I was doing, noticing I was getting close to mid-cycle.  K and S, if you're reading don't worry, you didn't cause this.  I'm feeling it already.  Talking about it just opened the door.  I'm very good at locking away difficult things in my brain, separating them from everything else.  I couldn't do my job if I didn't have that ability.  I do better this way and am mostly able to deal with the ttc'ing and defective body crap now that I'm coming out of my funk.  But when I have to open the door to discussing it I find it just hurts ... and I don't like that at all.  I hadn't cried in a week but I started to today when reading messages to me on FF.  Hey, I couldn't even look at myself in the mirror for a week because I couldn't handle looking at the person whose defective body I inhabit.  Ugh!  I hate this.

Accepting Clo.mid is still a struggle.  I just keep trying to remind myself that REs prescribe it to women who don't even have any identifiable fertility issues to get their BFPs.  It does not mean I and my body are a failure.  I must keep repeating that until I believe it ... but boy, that is going to be hard. I think I feel a bit of a failure in this regard because I've done so well in dealing with the PCOS but obviously not well enough to get a sticky BFP.

I am seriously considering skipping Christmas at home this year, especially without a BFP.  I just don't want to deal with my sister's drama and condescension.  She was perfectly okay with the prospect of me adopting but apparently not with me having a biological child.  I don't get it.  And I really don't want to be reminded of what I don't have right after I turn 38.  I don't know if I can handle that.  Problem is I don't know where to go.  I'm not into sun vacations and Christmas is such a big vacation time around the world that I can't really go anywhere without it shutting down places for at least a couple days.  I don't know ...

I'm procrastinating about reactivating my all access pass with the donor company.  I'm still under the illusion that maybe, just maybe, I'll get a BFP this month and I won't need to shell out more money.  And I'm bothered by the fact that if I have to keep going all year I'll have spent 2 student loans worth of money on sperm ... with no results.  And I'll still have all 3 student loans to pay off.  That really bothers me. 

And every day that goes by the closer I get to the realization that my grandmothers are never going to meet my child.  They're probably not even going to get to know I'm pregnant.  My maternal grandma was just diagnosed with heart failure and is now on a waiting list for a place in a care home.  My paternal grandma (whom I don't like one bit because she's mean) has breast cancer and has chosen the no treatment option.  They are both in their mid-80s.  I'm absolutely convinced they think I'm a man- and child-hater.  I am most definitely not and I'd like to prove them wrong but I don't think I'm going to get the chance before they die.  Oh boy, this post is getting depressing.

Universe?  You owe me big time.  BIG time.

CD10 ... Photo Bonus

Back to another CD10.  Not much going on.  I started monitoring blood work for this cycle this morning:

• E2 = 377
• LH = 9

Definitely no surge yet.  I need that LH >30 for surge.  I'm trying my best to keep my stress levels down this week.  I'm certain that stress during O-week last month delayed my O by a day.  Not a good thing.

I kind of disappeared from my online places over the last week.  I was so tired, angry, and sad that I just couldn't stand looking at pregnancy tic.kers, happy BFP announcements, or condescending "oh, I'm sorry but I know it will happen for you" pronouncements.  I just needed time to grieve another BFN and to come to the realization that adding Clo.mid is probably a good thing and not a sign of defeat.  For years I refused to add met.formin to my fight against PCOS.  Eventually I realized I had done all I could by myself and that the medication could only help me get to that next step.  And now I'm coming to the same conclusion about Clo.mid.  I had so hoped that I could get a sticky BFP without it.  I don't know ... part of me thought that if I could get that BFP Clo.mid free it would feel like I was giving PCOS the big middle finger.  But I can't focus on feeling defeated without a sticky BFP without Clo.mid.  I'm just trying to give myself a better chance at a BFP, possibly more than one good follicle for a better chance at a sticky BFP, and to push up the time table a little bit.  I turn 38 in December and I cannot keep going month after month without stepping up the protocol to get more aggressive.  Adding Clo.mid does NOT mean I am a failure or that my body is a failure. It is just another weapon in my arsenal on the way to getting my sticky BFP.

Not much else to tell here.  We had our first thunderstorm of the season, a major one.  The power went out some time over night and came on again around 4 or 4:15 according to my clock.  The thunder and lightning was very intense and woke me up.  I thought it was about 3 but thought I'd better check what time it was since the clock had been out.  5:30!  Time to take my temp and get up.  Nothing like nature being your alarm clock.  The rain was pretty intense but no damage on our street.  It was way warmer than normal today at 23 degrees C and very humid, a taste of what is to come in summer.  Yuck!

I've noticed this blog is a little short on photos so I thought I'd share a few. 

Kitty hanging out on top of my dresser in the old condo.

This is my kitty, P.  She is officially 'P' but most of the time she gets called kitty.  I've had her for 8 years.  She was estimated to be 8 years old when I got her at the shelter making her about 16 today.  She's mostly well behaved but she has a certain fascination with carpet.  That's why our main floor is wood and tile. 

Me and The Fifi

This is me with my niece, F.  She was exactly 17 months old in this photo.  She'll turn 5 in July.  Her name is unnicknameable but she still ended up with the nickname Fifi.  She couldn't be any more my clone if she were actually mine.  Strange, really.  She has awesome auburn hair with a patch of orange on the side and a patch of blonde in the back.  She also had dark brown eyes, way darker than mine.  And she has the craziest, biggest imagination for a 4-year old I've ever seen.  I love that she's always super excited to see me.  It is 'auntie this' and 'auntie that' the first day she sees me after I've been away a while.  Love that!

Baby gifts ... obviously not for me. :-(

I did some shopping over the last little while.  With 6 new babies around me (5 in 5 months plus one this upcoming June) I've had to spend a lot of time in the baby aisles.  It used to be fun but it isn't really fun any more.  And that makes me sad.  The red one is for The Fifi's little brother, due in June.  The other 2 are for my niece R in Denmark.  I took a look at the tag on the pink one and realized it may be too small already.  R was 22 inches long at birth.  The pink one, my favourite, is supposed to be size 6 months.  But I looked at the tag and it is for kids up to 27 inches long.  And since it has feet it can't work for longer kids.  By the time it gets to R I think it will be too small.  I'll send the snail one instead since she'll still have time to grow into a 12 month sleeper.  And she'll look awesome in blue.  ;-)  I'm going to keep the pink one for now as I'm sure one of my friends or someone at work will have another baby soon.  Then, at least I have something at home and I don't have to brave the baby aisles at the stores again.

Evil Statistics

If it is possible to suffer from dehydration as a result of crying too much then put my name under that medical condition.  I spent the entire day yesterday crying.  Even when I had to leave the house to shop.  Thank goodness for sunglasses.  I felt like a complete zombie.  And I'm sure everyone around me could tell, too because people were certainly looking at me funny.

I'm just so tired and angry right now.  I'm tired of always falling on the wrong side of statistics.  ALWAYS!

• 8-12% of women have PCOS - I'm one of those 8-12%.
• Of those 8-12% of women who have PCOS 1/2 will also have hypothyroidism - gee, I get to be in the lucky 4-6% of women.  I don't feel lucky.
• What other health problem would you like me to list?  I've got a bunch and guaranteed they aren't common.
• 50-60% of first pregnancies end in miscarriage - I'm one of those 50-60%.
• If an IUI doesn't work in the first 3 tries it probably isn't going to work - check this one too.  I'm the only one in my buddy groups on FF who got pregnant and miscarried.  Everyone else who got pregnant is now on to a healthy pregnancy while I get left behind ... again.

I just don't know what is wrong.  Everything indicates that I'm healthy.  Again, I could not possibly have produced 3 crappy eggs in a row.  Not statistically possible with my numbers.  It just isn't.  So what the hell is wrong with me?  And please don't quote me statistics in order to make me feel better.  See the discussion above on stats - I never fall on the right side of stats.

I do have some sneaking suspicions about what is going on and I'm scared that this is going to get a whole lot more complicated.  When I finally get to my WTF appointment I'm going to ask my Dr. when they start testing for other things because I guarantee they're going to find something.  I know it just like I knew something was wrong with me at 15 when all the doctors ignored me or told me it was all in my head.  So, what could possibly be wrong?  Here are my guesses:

• I have an undiagnosed autoimmune issue.  I had juvenile arthritis when younger so the chances of me having a funky autoimmune problem now are pretty high.  Yes, more crappy statistics.
• I have a clotting disorder.  I wouldn't be surprised.  And it would be beyond what already exists with PCOS.  Of course, I can't take ASA because I'm allergic to it.  Yes, more crappy statistics.
• I have an evil fibroid hanging out in my uterus.  I had an ultrasound done a couple years ago and my specialist said they found a fibroid on the back wall of my uterus measuring about a centimetre square.  I refused to believe her because there was also something else weird about the ultrasound results.  I've never had an issue, ever and I believed they mixed up my test results with someone else's.  There was no mention of this in the letter to my fertility Dr. She never discussed it with me.  And they found absolutely nothing on the SIS.  So, either someone is lying to me or someone is lying to me.

But knowing my luck I'll end up with the unholy trifecta of all 3 of these complicating issues.  Did I ever tell you how shitty my luck is?

So, here are my further predictions:

• This next unmedicated IUI is going to be a flop.  I refuse to test and I think I'm going to stop taking my temp post-O because there's no point and it will drive me nuts.  Still debating whether I should even bother taking progesterone.  Probably will since my prescription costs are mostly covered.
• We move on to Clo.mid and those 6 cycles will be a bust.  I'll have to change donors once maybe twice because my luck is just crappy.
• By then we'll be in October and I have until one day before my 38th birthday in December to pony up $12K for a 3 for the price of 2 IVF program with all 3 to be completed within 2 years.  I already know that I'm going to do it if I'm still not pregnant so don't try to talk me out of it.
• I'm going to be particularly bitter around November 6th, my EDD from my first (and probably only) pregnancy.  And of course, Christmas is the next month and I'll have to put up with my uberfertile sister and her new baby while I will have none.
• Somewhere in there my body (or the universe) is going to play another cruel joke on me making me think I've had yet another successful cycle only to miscarry again.  And just my luck it will be further on so I'll have to put ttc'ing on hold for 2-3 months while my body waits to get the message that I should miscarry.
• April 2011 - I'm still going to be going into the clinic, trying to get pregnant and the doctors are going to be completely confounded as to why this is happening to me, my specialist's poster child for how to deal with PCOS.  Doesn't really help to be the poster child if I can't get pregnant and get it to stick for 9 months.
• I'm going to reach a whole new level of bitter and anger by this time next year.  Yippee!  I'll be even more bitter when all the ladies at work who just got back from mat leave go on mat leave again by this time next year.  And my friends from law school have #2 or #3 respectively within this time frame too.
• I'm going to end up having to go back to my adoption plans only I'm going to be about 3 years older and will still have to wait 3 more years to become a parent.  If I went ahead with the adoption plan I would have been a parent by the time I went back to that option.  And I would have had the cash in hand to pay for it in one fell swoop thanks to overtime.  
• Oh, and the best one?  My sister is going to get pregnant with #3 as soon as she can after calculating just how many weeks of work she needs to put in after coming back from mat leave from #2.  All she needs to put in is 16 weeks of work and she gets another full year of mat leave, again.  So, I'm predicting right now that she'll be pregnant with #3 before she's even returned from mat leave and that she'll be off on mat leave again in the fall of 2012.  She'll no doubt claim it is an 'oops' baby when I know very well it is an 'I can't not be the centre of attention' baby.

 FML!!!

FML!!!

You know that former co-worker I told you about a few posts ago, the one I ran into at the clinic on bloodwork day 2 weeks ago?  She had her IUI done a couple days before mine.  We were both on IUI #3.  Well, guess what?  She got her BFP.  And yet again, I did not.

And every time someone who has recently gotten pregnant through IUI or some other ART tells me, 'oh I'm so sorry, I know how you feel/I know how you must feel' I just want to slap them right through my computer.  NO, you do NOT know how I feel.  You have not been dealing with the psychological damage of infertility diagnosis since you were 15 so please, keep your happiness and pity for me to yourself.  You do NOT understand and you NEVER will.

Why is my body so f'ing defective???

FML!!!

ETA: I can't get in to see my Dr. for a 'can we add Clo.mid' appointment until April 25th!  WTF?  The nurse asked me if I wanted to continue doing unmedicated IUI and I said no, I want to meet with my Dr. to change my protocol and I've tried for 2 days to get someone to call me back to set up an appointment and I never heard back.  They only have 1 day a week set aside for follow up appointments.  So, April 25th it is.  

I'm so not going to be able to get emotionally invested in the next cycle.  I can't because I already know it isn't going to work.  What's the point of getting excited or emotionally involved knowing it is going to be a big fat failure going in?  But I can't NOT do it otherwise I'd be sitting there a year from now wondering whether April 2011 would have been the cycle.  Probably not but I'd wonder anyway.

So now I have to pay the new donor IUI fee at my clinic (how nice it came into effect April 1st?).  That means I'll be throwing $800 dollars plus my time down the toilet.  Again. 

Another Cycle Down the Toilet

Literally.

I had some cramping for a couple of hours before lunch.  I was hoping it was intestinal as it was really wide-spread and quite painful.  No such luck.  I went to the bathroom to discover some spotting, dark pink.  One of the benefits of progesterone supplements is that you have to wear liners so at least my underwear didn't get ruined.  I ran to the bank after popping some cramps meds and when I came back headed back to the bathroom before a meeting just to see how bad it was.  It had turned bright red.  I really didn't want to deal with this so I put a tampon in and changed the liner.  Why be reminded of it every time I go to the bathroom?

I now have to cancel a really easy 1-night business trip in the middle of April all so I can do another IUI.  *sigh*  Now I'm waiting for it to turn into full flow so I can call the nurses tomorrow and tell them I'm on yet another CD1.

I haven't heard back from my Dr.'s secretary so I called and left her a message to let her know what happened.  I doubt I'm going to get in to see her before I run out of time to start taking Cl.omid so I think we're just going to have to go ahead with another unmedicated IUI in April and look at Clomid for May.  I've got 2 more vials from my original donor left. My back up choice's new vials still haven't been released for sale presuming there aren't 100 people ahead of me in line waiting for them.  I still don't like any of the other donors available and I really don't want to pay more money for another 3 months of access to their profiles. 

I am beginning to feel like these cycles are a waste of time, not to mention money.  I don't know how it is statistically possible for every single one of the eggs I ovulated to have been crappy.  Is it my donor?  It can't be progesterone anymore since that has stopped the pre-AF spotting issue.  How did my sister end up with the family's fertility and I don't have any?  Why didn't I fall into the 'increased post-miscarriage fertility' group?  My mom did and I'm proof of pregnancy the cycle after a miscarriage.  I just don't get it.

So, my sister gets to continue buying cute little things for her soon to arrive son watching her belly grow by the day, preparing and getting excited about that and moving into their brand spankin' newly renovated home the month he is to be born.  Me?  I get to be excited because I can sleep in this weekend.  That's just pathetic.