Awesome blog

This is one of the funniest blog I have seen in a long time:  http://crappypictures.com/

Especially this posting about changing a toddler's diaper:  http://crappypictures.com/2012/03/toddler-diaper-changesillustrated-with-crappy-pictures.html

The photos totally make this blog!  ;-)

In other news Henry hit 10 weeks on Tuesday.  Here is one of the pics from that day.

I'm 10 weeks old

Thank you

Thanks to my commenters.  I'm still feeling very conflicted over stopping breastfeeding.  Well, it isn't really the stopping part that I'm conflicted about.  Intellectually I know it was the right decision because he wasn't gaining weight. 

I feel more like I'm second guessing myself and all the things I did while breastfeeding and pumping. And it still didn't work out.  I keep thinking that if I'd pumped more or pumped more often whether things would have been different.  At my first appointment with the l/c when Henry was 5 days ago we did a pre-feed and post-feed weigh and he got 4 oz from me.  Why then did my supply not increase or keep up?  I don't get it. 

Intellectually I think, in part, it had to do with PCOS.  I don't know anyone else who took as much domperi.done, fenu.greek and bless.ed this.tle as I did that had supply issues.  And I think Henry played his part as well in being a lazy feeder, tired all the time, falling asleep during feedings regularly even when desperately hungry, jaundiced, and having latch issues (which resolved) and suck issues.  He just never sucked hard enough long enough to get an appropriate amount of nutrition from me. 

Ugh!  I'm just having a moment today and I really hate it.  I think I need to file this under 'hormones' for other reasons.

9 weeks

And we're done breastfeeding.  Long story short?  Too many things went wrong in our case including a low supply due to PCOS and a baby who, despite figuring out how to latch, just never developed a good suck and is incredibly tired all the time.  Too tired to breastfeed, in fact.  I was in tears towards the end.  I saw the end coming about 3-4 weeks ago and really wished that things would turn around.  I consulted a second lactation consultant when mine went on bereavement leave.  (I liked the second one better.)  We used an SNS (supplemental nursing system) and it was quickly obvious that Henry just doesn't have a good suck.  He was still working way too hard to get fed.  He spent twice the time he should have just to get the necessary nutrition his little body needs.  So, after a few days of that and an awful lot of tears I decided that we're done.  I'm not completely finished with pumping, though.  I think I'll wean him off breast milk completely by the end of April when we head out west for a visit.

I am really upset this didn't work.  I am super disappointed.  And to describe our experience would be to say that it was just short of traumatic.  Honestly, it was.  The best part of my days, the part I most looked forward to, was when I was sleeping at night.  And if that doesn't tell you something about our experience I don't know what would. 

As soon as I made the decision to stop on Sunday my mood improved.  On Monday I actually looked forward to feeding this little guy first thing in the morning.  And for me bottle feeding leaves me so much more time to get things done.  I know that isn't typical compared to breastfeeding but, again, our experience was so crappy the fact that bottle feeding leaves me lots more time just goes to show how bad this was for us. 

I don't know if I'll get another shot at this.  I have 7 more vials of sperm with my name on them ... or should I say credit card ... so I will be going ahead to try for #2.  Otherwise I waste a ton of money.  But given I'll be approaching 40 at that point and don't want to do IVF I don't know if I'll get to have another.  And if I go the adoption route for #2 I'll be skipping the newborn stage so no breastfeeding there either.  I would love to get another shot and hope that my hormones are better at that point and that I get a baby who doesn't have Henry's feeding issues.  I can only hope.  I just wish it had worked with him.  I will always carry the regret and the knowledge that stopping wasn't my choice.  It was either continue and see him not gain weight and not be healthy or do what was best for him.  Easy choice.

Two weeks ago his weight was up to 10 lbs 5 ounces.  Today he was up to 11 pounds 7 ounces.  So, he's gaining at the high end of what is expected on a weekly basis. But he's still in the 15th percentile as of today.  Still a skinny baby at the low end.  I know some babies have to be there and he doesn't look unhealthy.  He appears to be bright and alert when he's not sleeping.  And he's very interactive.  He loves to check out his surroundings and smiles and talks a lot.  He hasn't yet figured out how to stick out his tongue to mimic me yet but you can tell his brain is working hard to figure it out when you try it.  He's also starting to develop some rolls on his legs and his cheeks are getting plump again.  I know stopping breastfeeding was the right choice but I wish I hadn't had to make it. 

In addition to all this we're getting a referral to a pediatrician to see if there is anything going on with his fatigue issues.  That is a whole other post in itself.  So far no one has detected a heart issue but that is my fear.  Until that appointment it is steady as she goes.  I'll continue to pump and wean myself off the meds and herbs so I don't have to worry about engorgement and other issues when I'm away for 3 weeks.  That would not be fun. 

And if you've made it this far here is your reward:

Good thing mommy captured this photo for my 9 week birthday because ...

... this is what I usually look like as I try to figure out what she is trying to do with the camera!

Frustration

No lactation consultant appointment today as she had to cancel.  Not necessarily a bad thing since the roads were horrible thanks to blowing snow + salt covered roads = messy dangerous conditions.  But I was curious to see if Henry gained any weight between our midwife appointment Monday and today.  And I wanted to tell the lactation consultant that I HAVE to supplement.  Why?

At our discharge appointment with the midwife on Monday Henry got weighed.  We were able to compare his weight to where he was a week and a half before.  In that time he put on only 3 ounces.  Three measly ounces.  I had cut back on supplementing thinking that he'd work harder for his supper and hopefully build up my supply a little.  I guess not.  I was supplementing only at the last feeding before going to bed and on the odd day I added in another supplement.  This is clearly not enough.  I have no idea how much he is getting from me at a feeding but it is obviously not enough.  My nurse practitioner agreed this is nowhere near enough weight to be gaining.

So, Operation Fatten has begun.  I'm going to offer him supplementation after every feeding and see how much he'll take.  I suspect this little guy has been hungry a lot lately.  :-(  Hopefully, he'll adjust really well and it won't take long for him to get into a regular pattern with the new feeding schedule.  He was a bit wired Tuesday when I added the bottle feedings.  He slept in the morning (yay!) but he was wired at night (not so good).  Hopefully this is just an adjustment thing.

We start our well baby visits with the nurse practitioner and she is happy to have him come in regularly to be weighed.  I'm going to offer him the breast first at every feeding and then a bottle.  And hopefully he'll start putting on some weight. 

In other news, Henry hit 7 weeks on Tuesday so here is an updated photo:

Just hanging out in my future toy basket