Where For Art Thou O?

Yep, my O seems to be missing.  No, not that one.  Or the magazine by the same name.  I'm talking about this month's ovulation.  It seems to be nowhere in sight.  I'm very worried.

According to my blood work I had an LH surge on Friday meaning ovulation soon.  The clinic always does the IUI the day after an LH surge which works out roughly to 24 hours later.  On Saturday, I had my IUI.  Not long after that I noticed that my CM dried up.  That's usually a very reliable clue to me of ovulation.  My pelvic pain also went away.  I had sharp pelvic pain Friday night but it was gone on Saturday.  I got excited because I thought this meant that at least I O'd this month.  I was still worried about timing, though, thinking that my egg might not have made it past 12 hours.

Yesterday I took my temp at the regular time.  It went up 0.1 degrees F and thought that was odd but wasn't worried.  This morning?  My temp actually dropped 0.2 degrees F!  OMG!  I took my temp orally first and it was up 0.8 degrees F but my oral temps are all over the place, hence the switch to vaginal temping.  I redid my vaginal temp ... twice ... and it was 0.1 degrees F down from yesterday's then 0.2 degrees F down. 

I called the nurses and left them a message telling them that I might not have ovulated based on my temps and I'm worried.  I want a progesterone test to confirm ovulation.  Okay, I don't know if I ticked them off or something but I got a message back (of course, they call while I'm in a meeting) and the nurse just doesn't seem to understand what I was saying.  She said I had a surge and it was too early to test.  (Flashback: the last time I requested confirmation of O because of spotting issues the nurse, same one I think, was a bit snotty in saying there was no way I couldn't ovulate with an LH surge.  Honest to god ... they really don't know my file ... I have PCOS and an LH surge means O is NOT guaranteed like in 'normal' women.) 

I thought I was clear.  I said I had a surge on Friday, IUI on Saturday and I haven't yet seen a temp rise 2dpIUI.  This has never happened before.  And I was supposed to start progesterone today which I refused to do because it will give me a false temp rise tomorrow.  I want a blood test to make sure I ovulated especially since I have a follow up with my Dr. on Monday.  If I didn't ovulate my Dr. needs to know this so she can add whatever drugs I need to make my first Clo.mid cycle a success which for me at this point simply means ovulation.  I'm very ticked off at the nurse.  What is so hard to understand about "I don't think I ovulated, I want a progesterone test"?

And today I've been experiencing increased pelvic pain on the right side again.  I swear I need to take an ovulation test at home to see if I'm still pre-O. Why is this so difficult?

On the positive side, I might have found a new donor.  Of the 20 whose profiles I requested, I received 19.  I also wanted to know the vial and count numbers because I'm not attaching myself to a donor only to find out he has 1-2 vials left.  I think the rep is a little annoyed with me.  But hey, if your company provided better information off the bat on your website like Xy.tex does most of my issues wouldn't be issues.  So, of those 19 I excluded 7 who have no reported pregnancies.  My bank's website missed 4 of those, i.e. only 3 were listed as having no reported pregnancies.  Okay, so now I'm down to 12 possibles = 10% of the original 114.  I excluded 4 more because the donor's physical characteristics are so different from my family's any child who looked like the donor wouldn't fit in at all.  Leaving me with a whopping 8 donor profiles to look at = 7%.  Of those 7 there are 2 that stand out including one that I had looked at originally but was overshadowed by my 1st donor choice. 

I'm sending off an e-mail tonight to request #'s on my top 2 of this bunch of donors and hopefully there will be 6+ vials available for both so I can make a good choice.  And this time I won't waste even 24 hours.  If everything is in order I'll be placing an order for a new donor on Wednesday.

IUI #4 Tomorrow

Well, I hit surge today but I'm not particularly pleased with my numbers:

• E2 = 1029
• LH = 44.83

My LH is lower than last month when I hit surge.  And last cycle I ovulated the day AFTER my IUI.  I'm thinking this one is going to be a bust simply from bad timing.  Oh well, since I'm not thinking this would work anyway what's another thing stacked against me?  

IUI #4 at 9:30 tomorrow. 

CD13 ... and a thank you

A big thanks to all my recent commenters.  I have been feeling so awful lately and even though I couldn't even read some of your comments without crying I can do that now.  And your comments certainly help now that I can focus on them and not my pain.  I've turned a bit of a corner this week and am not so focused on the sad parts.  I'm not sure whether I have felt worse because I decided to go ahead with an IUI in March, post m/c.  But I don't know if I would feel better having skipped March.  I certainly wouldn't feel as bad about that cycle not working and my former co-worker getting her BFP that same month.  Maybe this is all still emotions from the m/c.  I don't know.  But I'm feeling better and that's what matters.

Still not looking forward to Clo.mid but if it can give me a better chance of a BFP then I'm okay with it.  Well, okay not entirely 'okay' with it because I still feel that my body should just do something normal instead of having to rely on drugs.  But that might take a couple years and I just don't have the time for that, especially if I want a couple of children.  So ... back to this cycle.

I was getting a little worried about my body's slow progression but things have started to move a bit.  My ovaries, or should I say the right one, are gearing up for something.  I can feel the right one again this month. Totally dominant.  I was anxious to get the blood work results and they've started to shift too:

• E2 = 874
• LH = 14.3
• P4 = 1.52

While I'm not near surge yet it is moving in the right direction.  I'm just crossing my fingers that I'm not just over 30 tomorrow because I think that would lead to a mistimed IUI.  Last month my surge was 47 the last time it was measured and I didn't O until 48 hours later with the IUI smack dab in between.  My February (read m/c) cycle was perfect.  My LH was 76 and I ovulated the day of my IUI.  Perfect!  I can't control this process but I really hope that my body cooperates just enough that I have a shot at a BFP.  I just don't want this one to fail because of a timing issue.  That would totally suck.  Not to mention it would be a waste of perfectly good sperm and my money.  :-( 

Oh yes, I'm absolutely convinced this cycle is going to be a bust but I can't help but hope that maybe, just maybe, I'll have a good egg, the right sperm will get in there and we'll get a perfect BFP.  I'm allowed to dream just a little, right?  But I do have to say that pretty much giving up on this cycle has made for a less stressful week.  Treating it like it isn't going to work, not planning on temping or testing is really bringing my stress levels down.  So is focusing on my Clo.mid appointment with Dr. V.  I'm just focusing on cycle #5.  Ignore #4 ... ignore it ... it's an attention seeker so just ignore it ...

CD12 ... My Slow Ovaries

Things are starting to drag this cycle.  My levels are not going up much.  Correction: my E2 isn't going up much and my LH is going backwards. 

• E2 = 533
• LH = 8.8

I've spoken to the same nurse all week.  She said at this point an LH of 8, 9, or 10, including one that goes backwards, isn't of any consequence.  But there is no way I'm going to O on CD14 this month.  I really doubt it will be CD15 either.  An IUI on the weekend would be nice so I don't have to use a sick day to deal with the inevitable cramping and my desire to just lounge.  ;-)

I'm slowly coming around to Clo.mid.  I am feeling a bit better about it today.  I just wish we'd been able to add it this cycle.  Perhaps I wouldn't feel the lack of hope this month.  I also gave in last night and paid for 3 months of access to all the donor profiles.  I've narrowed it down and have some interesting stats which I'll share in a future post.  I'm casting a wide net this time and will request a ton of profiles and hopefully I'll find a good back up to my back up, one that I'm happy with and even a 2nd back up that that one. 

And that's about it.  A totally slow day, even for my ovaries.

CD11 & the Waiting Continues

My blood work seems to be a little more on track today:

• E2 = 411
• LH = 10.04

I was a little worried that my LH was a high in comparison to my E2 for CD10 but it appears to be well within normal today.  Good thing.  I'm thinking O on CD15 again this cycle.  A consistent CD15 O every cycle would make me very happy.  Crossing my fingers that my E2 and LH continue to rise appropriately this week.

I had a bit of a craptastic day.  That's my new favourite word, 'craptastic'.  I find myself in a constant state of minor numbness.  So, today started like any other day with that undercurrent of emotional numbness.  But then 2 online friends at FF asked me how I was doing, noticing I was getting close to mid-cycle.  K and S, if you're reading don't worry, you didn't cause this.  I'm feeling it already.  Talking about it just opened the door.  I'm very good at locking away difficult things in my brain, separating them from everything else.  I couldn't do my job if I didn't have that ability.  I do better this way and am mostly able to deal with the ttc'ing and defective body crap now that I'm coming out of my funk.  But when I have to open the door to discussing it I find it just hurts ... and I don't like that at all.  I hadn't cried in a week but I started to today when reading messages to me on FF.  Hey, I couldn't even look at myself in the mirror for a week because I couldn't handle looking at the person whose defective body I inhabit.  Ugh!  I hate this.

Accepting Clo.mid is still a struggle.  I just keep trying to remind myself that REs prescribe it to women who don't even have any identifiable fertility issues to get their BFPs.  It does not mean I and my body are a failure.  I must keep repeating that until I believe it ... but boy, that is going to be hard. I think I feel a bit of a failure in this regard because I've done so well in dealing with the PCOS but obviously not well enough to get a sticky BFP.

I am seriously considering skipping Christmas at home this year, especially without a BFP.  I just don't want to deal with my sister's drama and condescension.  She was perfectly okay with the prospect of me adopting but apparently not with me having a biological child.  I don't get it.  And I really don't want to be reminded of what I don't have right after I turn 38.  I don't know if I can handle that.  Problem is I don't know where to go.  I'm not into sun vacations and Christmas is such a big vacation time around the world that I can't really go anywhere without it shutting down places for at least a couple days.  I don't know ...

I'm procrastinating about reactivating my all access pass with the donor company.  I'm still under the illusion that maybe, just maybe, I'll get a BFP this month and I won't need to shell out more money.  And I'm bothered by the fact that if I have to keep going all year I'll have spent 2 student loans worth of money on sperm ... with no results.  And I'll still have all 3 student loans to pay off.  That really bothers me. 

And every day that goes by the closer I get to the realization that my grandmothers are never going to meet my child.  They're probably not even going to get to know I'm pregnant.  My maternal grandma was just diagnosed with heart failure and is now on a waiting list for a place in a care home.  My paternal grandma (whom I don't like one bit because she's mean) has breast cancer and has chosen the no treatment option.  They are both in their mid-80s.  I'm absolutely convinced they think I'm a man- and child-hater.  I am most definitely not and I'd like to prove them wrong but I don't think I'm going to get the chance before they die.  Oh boy, this post is getting depressing.

Universe?  You owe me big time.  BIG time.

IUI #3 Tomorrow!

I finally surged!  My IUI is at 11 am tomorrow, a little later than the other two I've had.  Here are my bloodwork results from today, CD13:

• E2 = 1313
• LH = 47

The lovely graph over at Wi.ki shows the E2 at 1313 is completely normal, high but normal.  But a reference range I have for an old test shows the upper level for E2 mid-cycle at 1303.  Hello!  That must be one big follicle or I've got a straggler contributing to my E2 level.

So lovely readers please wish me luck.  I am going to need it this round as I'm really hoping this will be the one. ;-)

ETA:  My ovaries are so sore.  The left one started up today so that is why I think I might have a second but smaller follicle contributing to the pain and the E2 level.  I kind of wish I would have had an ultrasound this month but I'll never know.  It is all a bit of a mystery, isn't it?  But I'm thinking positive thoughts tonight. ;-)

CD12 and the Estrogen Keeps on Going

My E2 levels are now at 1003!  The highest they got last cycle were 888.  My LH is sitting at 14.69.  Last month I went from an LH of 17.68 to 76.89 in 24 hours.  I'm hoping that I get a nice jump by tomorrow morning for an IUI on Thursday.

I'm very excited but I have to say that there one downside to high E2 levels and going this alone:  the estrogen induced friskiness.  OMG!  I never noticed this when I was on the pill, obviously.  But wow!  And what is with the nipple 'itchiness'?  And how is it that men just look more tasty too?  Okay, not all of them, I still have discriminating taste but I think you get the point.  Oh this is frustrating.  Just like being the kid in the candy shop who isn't allowed to touch anything.  I can just look.  And stay frustrated. ;-(

CD 11 and the Estrogen Pulls Ahead

I got a nice jump in my estrogen level today.  It is now at 782, way higher than the 467 I was at last CD11.  My LH is now at 8.44 compared to my 8.1 on CD11 last month.  I'm expecting to see a big jump in LH levels tomorrow but I'm now thinking that since things seemed to slow down a bit over the weekend that I'll be doing an IUI on CD14. 

My IUI on CD13 was a bust, the one on CD15 resulted in a chemical so why not an IUI on CD14?

My CM is getting heavier and definitely more fertile.  I always know when it has started because it causes me to get itchy.  Yep, itchy.  I run to the washroom at work just to get rid of it so I can sit in my chair and concentrate, it is that bad.  If my estrogen level jumps again tomorrow (last month it only got to 888 before I surged) I'm going to start getting major EWCM. 

Just please, let that follicle contain an egg and let it be a really, really good one this time!

CD9 Blood Work

Got the results back.  I'm almost where I was at CD 11 last time.  Very strange. 

• E2 = 393
• LH = 6
• P4 = 0

I'm happy that the progesterone is at 0.  That means I have no left over cysts or corpus luteum from my disastrous m/c cycle. 

While at the clinic this morning I ran into a former co-worker.  She and her partner, same-sex, were there for morning blood work too.  Weird place to run into them.  She asked how things were with my experience at the clinic.  I answered 'okay' because I didn't want to mention anything about the m/c at a fertility clinic.  There were way too many people around this morning.  The lab worker was alone and had a big rush all at once so there was an unusual number of people in the waiting room.  I didn't want to say anything out loud that would freak out any of the other patients.  We did, however, promise to stalk each other on the book of faces. ;-)

I also told a friend of mine by e-mail what happened with my last cycle.  I'm part of a book club and while many of the women are moms there isn't usually someone pregnant at any given time.  Some of the members are child free by choice, some are parents to older children, and a few are parents to younger kids and could possibly have more.  One of my other friends who is a part of this group had a baby in January, one of those no one told me about.  :-(  I e-mailed my friend telling her that I may or may not come to her place if I am in town (my only night out of town is scheduled for the night of April book club and right in my projected fertile period) because of the m/c.  I didn't want to make a show, feel awkward there or make anyone else, especially the 2 new moms, feel weird because of my issues.

My friend and I had a conversation about kids about 3 years ago while shopping for shoes of all things.  She was wavering as her partner really wasn't interested in kids.  He was satisfied being an uncle.  She, at 37, wasn't sure.  I told her I had no doubts, that I wanted to be a mom even if it meant doing it alone.  She was amazed that I just knew. 

She was surprised that I had gone ahead already.  We are going to meet for lunch soon so I can spill the beans.  When I've told people what I'm doing they are very curious as to what donor IUI involves.  It isn't like I'm being abducted by aliens and implanted with hyrbrid alien-human embryos.  lol 

So at last count the following people 'know': my parents, my sister, my supervisor, a friend at work who I blabbed to during a breakdown last Friday, my friend from book club (and law school) and a former co-worker who is at the clinic for the same reason.  And all of the lovely readers in blog land.  ;-)

CD8 and the Ovaries are Aliiiiive!

I've been experiencing ovarian pain for a few days now.  I thought the pain on the right might have been the shrinking corpus luteum from the chemical last month.  Then my left one started to make its presence known.  It is usually the silent partner.  A woman in one of my buddy groups said that she actually O'd early the cycle after her early m/c so that got me thinking, "could I O early this month?"

I've had way too much pain for this to be normal.  I thought about asking the clinic for an ultrasound next week after I start LH bloodwork on CD10, Sunday.  I thought it might be better to see what was going on in there first before calling with a crazy request on CD8.  So I peed on an OPK.  This is what I got.

Sorry it's so blurry.  The digital is crap for taking pics of pee sticks.

I'm stunned because I've NEVER had a line that dark on CD8.  This is so bizarre!  I've sometimes gotten a really faint line on CD10 or 11 but never anything like that this early.  I'm not taking any chances so I left a message with the clinic tonight to see if I can start the LH monitoring tomorrow bumping it up by a day.  If I don't have a +OPK tomorrow I'm thinking it will be Sunday and that would be too late.  If it takes a couple extra days I don't care.  I'd rather try my best to catch this egg than miss it completely.  We'll see if the nurses think I'm nuts tomorrow.

The donor issue isn't resolved yet.  My back up donor's in stock vials sold out but his new ones are stick in a regulatory snafu which the company expects to be resolved in 6-8 weeks.  Yeesh!  The rep told me that I should think about a back up to my back up.  What is wrong with this picture?  I'm on the waiting list for my back up donor as of now.  *sigh*  So, I might be able to get my back up donor and I might not.  I've asked to be e-mailed asap when the moratorium is lifted so I can get vials of this donor.

And to assist me with that I'm changing my line of credit from unsecured (totally unused because it has a 14.7% interest rate!) to secured (prime + 1% = ~4% right now).  I earn ridiculous overtime at work just by doing one business trip a month.  But I don't have a ton of cash sitting in savings at the moment to pay for sperm.  I blew what I had on 5 vials of my 1st donor.  Now I have confidence that I can put this purchase on my MC (hello Ai.r Mi.les), roll it over into my line of credit at a very favourable interest rate and pay it off with my crazy overtime payments.  I just didn't tell the bank it was for sperm.  Instead I told my rep that it was for home reno stuff, which is actually partially correct since I do need to get my central vac, eavestroughs, fencing, etc. completed this year and next.  It wasn't totally untrue ... I just left out the sperm part. ;-)

I'd prefer it if I didn't need to consider a back up donor at all but I'm not feeling it this month, certainly not like last cycle.  Time will tell.