Thank you

Thanks to my commenters.  I'm still feeling very conflicted over stopping breastfeeding.  Well, it isn't really the stopping part that I'm conflicted about.  Intellectually I know it was the right decision because he wasn't gaining weight. 

I feel more like I'm second guessing myself and all the things I did while breastfeeding and pumping. And it still didn't work out.  I keep thinking that if I'd pumped more or pumped more often whether things would have been different.  At my first appointment with the l/c when Henry was 5 days ago we did a pre-feed and post-feed weigh and he got 4 oz from me.  Why then did my supply not increase or keep up?  I don't get it. 

Intellectually I think, in part, it had to do with PCOS.  I don't know anyone else who took as much domperi.done, fenu.greek and bless.ed this.tle as I did that had supply issues.  And I think Henry played his part as well in being a lazy feeder, tired all the time, falling asleep during feedings regularly even when desperately hungry, jaundiced, and having latch issues (which resolved) and suck issues.  He just never sucked hard enough long enough to get an appropriate amount of nutrition from me. 

Ugh!  I'm just having a moment today and I really hate it.  I think I need to file this under 'hormones' for other reasons.

Just dropping in

Sorry I haven't updated in a month.  Wow!  A whole month! 

Things have been more like a gong show here than a blissful mom and baby experience.  To make a very long (and repetitive *see below*) story short Henry and I were discharged 3 1/2 hours after his birth.  I was so happy to go home quickly and loved being able to stay at home that first night.  My mom stayed in bed with me and baby Henry that first night and we knew something wasn't quite right as he was clearly hungry but didn't want to latch onto the breast.  My midwife and her student came for a home visit the next morning and advised this wasn't good so they left us with some tubes and syringes to use to feed baby.  And to top it off Henry was jaundiced.  Yep, he got his blood type from the donor - A from him and Rh + from me (donor is -ve).  By the end of the day we were back at the hospital and Henry was admitted.  That meant I was stuck there for 2 nights too.  Henry didn't mind the incubator (or his 'hot house' as I called it) as it was toasty warm.

We were discharged after 2 nights in hospital and I was really glad to go home.  I hated every minute being there and isolated from my parents who had to drive 40 minutes each way in crappy winter weather to visit.  Not to mention the one insane night nurse who seemed to think forcing my child to try the breast for 2 HOURS at 1 in the morning was a splendid idea.  Thankfully Henry is too young to remember this otherwise I think he'd have ended up with something akin to PT.SD from that experience.  But I digress ...

As to the repetitive part of the story all I can say is breastfeeding has been a bit of a nightmare.  Apparently my little guy was born with a disorganized suck.  He is slowly getting better but he still struggles to suck not to mention actually latching.  He can't latch onto the nipple so we've been working with a nipple shield and pump since he was 1 1/2 days old.  The routine is tiresome:  breastfeed with shield waiting for the little guy who gets really tired to fall asleep off and on before declaring that he's finished ... which can take anywhere from an hour to two hours.  Oh my ...  Then, if things work out I get to pump for a while.  Sometimes he gets supplemented by bottle and that doesn't go any easier for Henry either.  He still has difficulty 'latching' on to the bottle's nipple.  I have a child who would sleep 6+ hours through the night if he were gaining appropriately.  But no, I have had to wake him up in the middle of the night to feed him and that has always been a disaster since he eats so poorly at night.  I have serious envy of people whose babies are allowed to sleep long at night and whose babies also wake up to demand feed because Henry didn't do that until just this past week either.  *sigh*

Needless to say we've been working with a lactation consultant since Henry was 5 days old.  I am not doing everything according to her wishes, i.e. feeding him formula from time to time and supplementing him more than she recommends, but he was not gaining weight with what I was giving him by breast.  He didn't get back to birth weight until the day after he was 3 weeks old.  It took another 5 days for him to surpass birth weight finally getting past 8 pounds (8 lbs 1 oz).  He hit 8 lbs 11 oz at his weigh in today.  Personally, I'm going with what works and that is breast first then supplement because he's hungry.  I pump when I get a chance and he's not crying. 

I hate to say it but after 1 month I am very much looking forward to breastfeeding being over.  After all this I cannot say that I will ever enjoy the experience.  It is a big let down (no pun intended) as I was looking forward to this, albeit not in a 'we will bond over the breast' kind of way.   At this point I continue to breastfeed as much as I can because I feel it is better for Henry for a variety of reasons, it is certainly less expensive than full out formula feeding, and because I don't want to admit failure (talk to me about supply problems ... you don't want to know how many pills I take a day just to get what I get out of these breasts).  I am really looking forward to moving on to solid food.

I do promise to post another update as well as Henry's birth story when I get a chance.  What I can say is that the birth went really well and I can't really complain about the experience.  I describe it as easy compared to what others go through. 

Heartburn Hell

Yes, that is what I've been dealing with the past 24 hours.  I'm at home today because I got NO sleep last night thanks to the early Christmas gift of heartburn. 

I can't really complain too much since I have only had to deal with intermittent heartburn starting about a month ago.  It usually goes away after 24-36 hours.  I take some Tu.ms, as recommended by the pharmacist, and it usually improves.  Well, I don't know what happened yesterday but WTH?  Baby must have been pushing up on my stomach with his feet all night.

I didn't eat too much for supper or too late, went to be early, had the light off before 11 feeling nothing wrong.  Then at about 2:30 I woke up and felt it.  Oh my!  And then I just couldn't fall asleep again.  When my alarm went off at 6 I decided this was too horrible to deal with ... not the heartburn but the lack of sleep.  And because of medications and such that I need to take either on an empty stomach or nowhere around calcium I couldn't take any Tu.ms.  Lovely.  I feel better now but it still hasn't gone away.  I'm wondering if this doesn't have more to do with baby's position.  I don't feel his feet over on the side of my belly today so I'm thinking he's got them lodged under my stomach.  And what is with feeling heartburn and hungry at the same time???

Anyway, I expect I'll get a break sometime in the next 24 hours.  Hopefully.  I will have another post about my shower at work yesterday sometime soon.  I have one tiny bag of stuff to move home and photos to take of it so I can share here.  ;-)

In which I have an emotional breakdown

Things came to a head Thursday when I spoke to my cat's vet.  Some of her blood work is better than last year but one of the tests is not good but we don't yet know what is wrong with her.  It could be a continuing kidney issue, a new thyroid thing or cancer.  She already has a major constipation problem that is causing her more trouble every year.  Our necessary trip to the vet cost $500 on Saturday and the vet said the tests her partner would like to perform to figure out what is going on would come to $1000.  I don't have that kind of money.  Yes, I have a good job and I get great OT pay when I travel but I had planned on having a certain amount of money in my account when I go on leave.  I've barely put anything away for retirement this year (we get a nifty tax break until we turn 71 and have to pull it out) and I want to make sure I have something set aside for things like putting up the fence and unexpected things while on mat leave not to mention next year's retirement savings.  I have issues with money, well not actual issues, but fears about not having enough money.  Always have and I'm sure I always will so I freak whenever something like this happens.

Kitty is 16 or so we think.  We don't actually know.  I've had her for 8 1/2 years so I'm not sure where she was before I got her from the shelter but for those 8 1/2 years she's had a good life.  I can't justify putting her through crazy treatments if she has cancer.  She's 16!  Maybe if she were young like my sister's cat. I think he was about 4 or 5 when he was diagnosed and treated for stomach cancer.  The vet college used a novel treatment and he went into remission.  He's now 16.  But my cat?  I don't want to torture her.  She gets so stressed out when we go to the vet.  She went to our current vet at Thanksgiving last year because she was very sick and I had to work away for a week.  Turns out she was horribly constipated and the meds the previous vet had ordered weren't really working.  We also discovered some kidney and pancreas issues as well as past hepatitis.  And she had to board there for a week to get medical care while I was away.  So, kitty gets super upset when we go to the vet now.  I cannot put her through what would be sheer torture for her only to appease my desire to keep her alive longer.  If it turns out she has cancer I want to know the prognosis and figure out how to make her as comfortable and happy as possible until it is better that she leave us. But I still can't help but feel that I'm somehow betraying her by not trying to treat whatever it turns out to be, even cancer.

She had follow up tests today, urine and a calcium test that is supposed to be more definitive.  She had to stay with the vets all day and needed another enema because she is still constipated.  She hasn't used the litter yet.  That set me back another $400.  I'm hoping this test shows something because I'd like a diagnosis and treatment plan before the vet wants me to add another $700 to the bill.

I just lost it last night.  My good appointment with the midwife seems to have gone out the window.  I know that she'll work with me to find out what is best for me and what I want to plan for.  I'll still be responsible for all the decisions but at least I'll feel like I've got someone to lean on.  Then I still have my horribly messy house that is still horribly unorganized.  I feel so behind on that.  Every time I walk into the baby's room I cringe at how much I have to get out of there and organize.  I had trouble adding items to my registry last week.  So much was scanning wrong.  No, I did not add pink anything thank you.  And no, I really didn't add the hooded towel with cars.  I chose the one with the ducks on it for pete's sake.  And I didn't get down there until it was my niece's bad time (mid-afternoon) so she was freaking out.  My mom and sister were wandering around somewhere else.  I wanted their help and I was totally overwhelmed.  How am I supposed to know what to add to my registry, especially breastfeeding gear?  My mom didn't BF us and my sister is the only one close enough for me to ask.  I wasn't going to ask the teenager stocking the shelves what she recommends.  I don't know what else to add but I know I'm missing things I should probably get.  And I have no idea how I'm going to pay for everything.  And that doesn't even include choosing the car seat ...

I'm ticked off at the city for their stupid water main failure and repair earlier this year.  Necessary?  Yes.  Badly timed?  Absolutely.  It rained heavily all of April but then went completely dry just in time for a 3 month water ban while they fixed the water main.  My lawn looks awful, it is embarrassing really.  I'm trying to get new seed to grow in what was supposed to be a cool wet week.  Rain?  Not a single drop all week?  Cool?  Not bad until today when it hit 25 and 29 with the humidity.  I feel like stopping my efforts and just ripping the whole stupid thing out next year and sending the bill to the city.  I'm going to have to move up my perennial transformation plan for the front yard to next year and dump a bunch of decent soil in there to counteract the stupid beach I have under my dead grass.  *sigh*  But I think some decorative stone and succulents like sedum and chick and hens should be easy enough to plant and they'll be fine in the searing summer heat. No matter what the grass at the bottom of the front yard is coming out next year.  Period.

I just lost it last night.  I'm feeling so overwhelmed.  I feel like I have no idea what I'm doing.  I need help but have no one to help me and when they are supposed to they don't do it.  Were I living near my parents I would have been on the phone late last night an emotional wreck.  I was even willing to pay to have my mom fly out just to be here to help for a week. 

The good news is that baby is measuring on time.  The MW broke out the measuring tape for the first time and she said I was measuring 23 weeks so right on schedule.  Baby's heartbeat was in the 150s and was easier to find this time.  And my urine test strip was clear of glucose.  So that was positive. As well as the philosophy of the practice.  I want the least amount of intervention possible while still recognizing that things happen and if I need a c-section so be it.  Just don't ask me to stay on my back during labour, thank you very much.  The midwives won't make me do that, thankfully. 

Even so I just lost it last night ... completely.

Okay, I have to add this new blogging format is really ticking me off.  I managed to delete 3 paragraphs of this entry with a single mistype.  WTF?  This new format doesn't seem to save automatically as often as the old one did.

How did this turn out to be more like thought vomit than a coherent post?

A Very Sad Day

No, this isn't about me.  I'm fine and I'm heading to my level 2 u/s tomorrow afternoon so no updates on that yet.

Nope, this is about the absolute, sheer waste and loss that cancer creates.  I've been in tears off and on all day today over the loss of J.ack La.yton, the leader of Canada's opposition.  After years of struggling, working hard every day in the trenches, fighting for everyday people, finally to become leader of the opposition (a huge feat for the N.DP as it was the first time they reached that goal) in May 2011, he was snatched from us by cancer ... at 61. He spent just 3 short months as the leader of the opposition unable to truly enjoy the fruits of his labour. 

He was a man of principle who never backed down from a fight even when it looked like it was a losing battle.  He was always optimistic but also a serious pragmatist.  While he certainly wanted to win over voters he never shied away from a principled position even if it made him deeply unpopular.  He was a great debater but never maligned anyone in his rise to the top.  He talked to everyone and ignored no one.  He inspired people of all ages but most importantly young people who had turned away from voting and the traditional political process.  He truly believed that Canada is great and that we could make it even better, so much so that 2 days before he died he wrote a letter to Canadians which is truly inspiring ... he thought of others right until the end.

Our country is in mourning, a truly deep and heartfelt feeling of loss has gripped this country.  RIP Jack, you made this country a better place for everyone.  You will be greatly missed.  Those of us who remain will continue the fight with renewed vigour.

And my last words on this post, which I think are entirely appropriate ...

"Courage, my friends, 'tis not too late to build a better world."  ~ Tommy Douglas

18w1d ... busy, busy, busy

Sorry I've been away readers.  I've just been really busy.  Here is a non-exhaustive list of what I've been up to:

• Getting over that head cold that lasted 3 weeks.  Not a head cold from hell, no, but problematic, yes.
• A week long business trip over a weekend.  Allowed me time to see my niece and nephew and get started on baby shopping.
• Aborted attempt to fly back from said business trip because it was too hot and the airport was using the short runway because of construction on the other.  They couldn't take ANY checked baggage on the flight to Toronto and since I sort of need to fly with my work bag even if checked I volunteered to get off the flight and take a credit which I have a year to use.  I think they removed between 10 and 15 people from the flight.  Stayed overnight at my parents', unexpectedly, but got to see 2 waves of awesome lightning that night.
• 2 weekends working in the yard which has yet to become a garden of any sort.  ;-)
• 1st weekend I decided to work in the back on a Sunday morning.  Holy hot sun when the temp is only 23 Celcius at most!  I was done at noon and hadn't even gotten everything finished.  Thank you stupid sandy soil packed so hard it was like digging through a brick.  Planting completed the next night when it was much cooler.  Lessons learned:  no gardening in the back yard at any time other than the evening AND getting the yard in planting shape is going to take way more work that I anticipated.  More planning must be done this fall.
• 2nd weekend turned into 2 mornings of working in the front yard which is heavily shaded in the morning.  In fact, my entrance is shaded 24/7.  First morning I dug out the weed patch next to the front porch area (we don't get eavestroughs installed by the builder and until a month ago that area of my lawn was rotting from all the water and the only thing that seemed to grow was a crazy variety of weeds ... which I don't want).  Worked up and added soil so I can plant things easily next year.  Then tackled the weed patch under my city tree.  Watered city tree and covered the ginormous hole (way bigger than anyone else's on the street) the sod guys left with cedar mulch.  Awesome tan started developing.  Second morning I finished up the patch in front of the house and covered with cedar mulch to discourage weed growth.  Raked the sad looking front lawn of dead grass (unusually dry summer + water ban = dead lawn) and cut the parts that are actually okay.  Then that evening watered it to see if I can salvage any of it.  Bought extra soil and organic material for yard stuff next year.  I won't have time to just pop down to the store.  
• August long weekend - took the Saturday to do something fun.  I went to the National Art Gallery to see the Cara.vaggio exhibit.  My other bright idea flopped since the Ec.co store in the mall downtown had closed, unbeknownst to me.  No new shoes and must do that in the U.S. in a couple weeks. Bought the best organic oatmeal I've yet found at the health food store a 1/2 block from where I used to live and popped into a French bakery for a couple of pastries which I still haven't finished.
• Cooking and baking up a storm in the kitchen so I don't have to do lots of this while 9 months pregnant and after baby arrives.  On the long weekend I got a pot of split pea soup made.  Not as tasty without the bone but at least I had some leftover ham in the freezer.  Had to discard the other container of frozen ham since it had gone bad.  So, no double batch of soup.  This weekend I made 3 batches of blueberry muffins.  Would do more but I might run out of blueberries.  Besides, I have to catch a plane today.
• Headaches caused by my home builder.  I took a Wednesday off before the long weekend so they could come in and fix the outstanding items from my 1-year inspection.  The guy who booked the appointment forgot to schedule stuff!  I was livid and sent a terse email telling him how I would now be 1 month behind on setting stuff up for my impending baby.  Not impressed.  But drywalling guy came to 'fix' nail pops.  I will have to redo them in the future since they weren't screwed in further, just covered.  They came Friday to do other things and discovered they can't rip up the floor to fix the creaks because the carpentry guys finished at 1 pm.  Rebooked that and insulation installation for the 24th ... An inordinate amount of time was spent moving things over the past 3-4 weeks from my bedroom to the front 2 bedrooms to allow them to access my attic and the creaking/cracking floor.  I feel like I am living out of a suitcase in my own house.  And baby organization is on hold.
• Aborted attempt to get to book club on August 2nd thanks to a nasty headache that developed during the day and just got worse.
• Purchased diaper bag at BR.U.  Got a brown, hobo style one that I can wear cross body which is great since I don't have great shoulders and purses and bags just fall off. 
• Purchased crib mattress yesterday.  Took 20 minutes to find someone to help me ... discover I have to pay then go over to the extra Ik.ea warehouse I didn't know existed.  Pretty seamless once I discovered the necessary process but annoyed there was no one in the children's area for 20 minutes.  Mattress fits snugly and perfectly in the crib.  Discovered some really cute fabric and curtains that I might be able to consider.
• Watching my summer obsessions on TV:  Tr.ue Bl.ood and Roo.kie Bl.ue.  Combine that with raging 2nd trimester pregnancy hormones and all I can say is that the Viking and Officer Swa.rek can visit me any time.  ;-)  I didn't realize I'd seen AS in things before TB but I'm a big enough girl I can admit I've had a thing for Ben Ba.ss since I first saw him on Fore.ver Kni.ght.  Oh boy, that takes me back quite a ways ...

Then there is just everyday life stuff that happens.  Oh, and discovering someone swiped the back bumper of my car that I've had for just over a year and has just 3800 km on it.  *sigh*  Really?  I have to figure out what to do with this one and whether it is worth claiming it or just paying out of pocket with money that should really go to student loans or my baby but what the hell, I must have lots of cash so why not just hit my car parked far away from all the others in the parking lot.  Grrr ...  Nasty status update on FB ensued.

I've been stocking up on things that have gone on sale just so that I don't have to get them for a while.  I had a decent toilet paper collection started but it has grown by leaps and bounds in the past few weeks.  Stocking up on tissues too ... allergies and baby spit up.  And laundry detergent.  I was always mad that I never seemed to be able to hit the sales on the day they started and by the time I got there the next day or day after that there was nothing left.  Seriously, who doesn't work in an area of new houses such that they can line up at the stores and buy all the laundry detergent on the first day of a sale?  I used to be a cashier ... the strange things people do.  Decent sales at a pharmacy and grocery store lately so I've stocked up nicely.

Oh yes, and I told the team at work.  Some people are surprised especially because I haven't been sick.  Um, not everyone gets sick you know.  And our admin assistant, as sweet as she is, can really stop asking me every single day how I'm feeling.  Really, I was 16 1/2 weeks pregnant before you found out and no one cared how I was doing enough to ask every day so it isn't required to check to see how I'm doing every day now that you know.  Only one person touched my belly and I actually like her so I didn't get highly annoyed.  Just a little. ;-)

Okay, now that I've gotten that out of the way I can say that my belly is trying hard to pop out.  Some days it is very flat and others it is definitely more noticeable.  Here it is at 16 weeks before heading out on errands:

Belly at 16w0d

I can't believe I didn't post a shot between 12w and 16w but such is life.  ;-)  And here is the shot from yesterday at 18w0d.  I'm now in maternity clothes because they're just more comfortable but they definitely allow the belly to protrude further.

Belly at 18w0d

I'm off on another business trip today, albeit a shorter one at just 3 nights away.  My parents are going to join me for a couple nights so they can do some shopping at Lee Val.ley To.ols which they don't have in their city.

Blogger hates me today

I'm having so much trouble adding photos to a post ... this is ridiculous.  I've done the troubleshooting as asked and I'm still having difficulty.  Why can't they design a more user friendly photo uploader and adder?  I never had this difficulty when I used a different blog site.  I was even able to place a photo in the middle of a paragraph, not just at the beginning or the end of one.  Grrrrrr ...

10w2d ... and a name vent

And the night before the ultrasound.  I am so nervous we're going to find a problem or there will be no heartbeat.  I've had nothing happen that makes me think this other than the bleeding on Friday.  My symptoms haven't changed in the least.  I'm continuing to feel stretching pains in my pelvis so things must be expanding as they should. 

I know that a good u/s tomorrow doesn't mean everything will be okay.  I'm still only 25% through this pregnancy.  Yes, crazy ... I'm 25% through this already!  But that still means I've got a long road ahead.  But I really want to get some good results tomorrow.  I feel like if everything is okay this week I'll feel more comfortable spilling the beans at the end of the month. 

In other news my nephew finally has a name.  To make a long story short no one in our family likes his first name and we'll come up with a nickname for him. It rhymes with his last name and he is going to be mercilessly teased.  My BIL vetoed everything my sister suggested and pushed for the name he wanted years ago.  Even though the agreement was that my sister got to pick this time since he got to choose my niece's name.  But of course he lies and tells everyone that since my sister had such a horrible experience with my niece's birth that SHE was the one who got to choose her name ... and this one's name.  The truth eventually comes out, d*ckhead.  When my mom went up to the hospital to see little C with my niece, my mom asked about his name.  My BIL basically said his name is C but mommy just has to come around to the idea.  WTF?

And what the heck is wrong with my sister?  Where did her stubbornness go?  That's a whole other topic.

They had no middle name picked out at that point and we all had to wait.  And what did they do?  Yet again they chose a name that has meaning to ME, nothing to do with them.  But of course, my BIL probably likes it because it is rare in North America.  That seems to be his only criteria for a suitable name.  Must be why he put a star beside the name Ebab in their baby names book.  (serious rolling of eyes here)  They chose one of the names of my host brothers in Denmark.  I would love to use the name of one of them (not this one, though) because I really like it and I think it is very traditionally Scandinavian but translates well in North America.  But I'd never use it because it would be weird, especially because there are 3 brothers.  Why choose one and leave the others out.

I'm also mad because this brother is in the army and he could be sent to Afghanistan soon.  What happens if he dies there?  I can't also name my child after him to honour him because my sister and BIL beat me to it. Yet again.  And my sister knows full well that I've been trying to get pregnant.  So much for keeping my pregnancy a secret from them to be nice.  (Where's a confused smiley face when you need it?)

That's the short story.  I'll leave out all the other garbage about my selfish, childish BIL and sister and the garbage we had to deal with on our big family vacation to Denmark last year.  But needless to say it all plays into this.

I'm just pissed.

Food aversions

Well, I think I experienced my first pregnancy related food aversion today.  Broccoli and cauliflower.

I do my best to eat a full variety of fruits and veggies every day.  I find it easier to get my veggies in at lunch because if I bring it I have to eat it.  I can't simply run to the store to get a different vegetable.  I cooked up a bunch of broccoli and cauliflower yesterday to take along with lunches this week ... along with roast chicken and rice.  I normally like broccoli, even more so than cauliflower.  Except for today. 

I had my normal morning snack and got my 11 am hunger pains so I had a few 'we've been exposed to humidity for too long' pretzels and I was hungry at those points.  When it came to lunch I just didn't feel hungry.  But I need to eat because (1) I'm pregnant, and (2) I manage my PCOS by eating every few hours.  I need to take my medication with my full meals.  I just didn't want to eat my lunch ... at all.  But most importantly it was the broccoli and cauliflower that turned me off.  I was so shocked. 

Now, it may be in part because we've gone from comfortable weather to summer heat and humidity overnight.  And it will be worse tomorrow.  And in the heat and humidity I loose my appetite.  Totally normal for me over summer.  But it is not normal for me to be eating plain steamed vegetables and have to stop and throw the rest out because I'm going to vomit if I don't.  Ugh!

I don't have any other options planned for tomorrow's lunch although I think I might take some fruit with me to eat instead of the veggies.  Fresh sweet fruit doesn't seem to turn me off yet. 

But give me salt, and I'd eat that by the pound right now.  Go figure.

And thanks to Shannon for a yoga DVD recommendation.  If anyone else has any please post them in the comments.  Thanks!

What Didn't You Understand?

I really don't know what is wrong with the reps at my sperm bank.  What is so hard to understand about 'please hit reply all so that I get your reply at work tomorrow'???  Honestly, can this woman not figure out what this means? 

Yesterday, they had 6 washed vials of backup donor #2 available.  The other backup I was looking has no vials currently available but more will be arriving next week.  I've had crappy luck with donors leaving the program, donors selling out within 24 hours, etc. that I thought I'd better jump on this one.  I told the rep last night by email that I wanted those 6 vials but I didn't need them until June and wanted to know about my storage options. 

I kept checking my junk mail folder at work today.  Nothing from her.  But I had a couple messages about the upcoming law society bencher elections in there.  When I got home I checked my email.  Sure enough, she replied before 10 am and requested that I fill out the order form (which isn't even a form!) and she'd hold them until the end of the day!  OMG!  What didn't she understand about my request to copy me at work?  My message was only 2 sentences long so she couldn't have gotten lost in my prose. 

I wrote back saying politely that if she had copied me at work like I had requested I could have ordered everything this morning.  If those vials are no longer available I might just complain.  If their services weren't so desperately needed this company would go out of business ... quickly. 

Don't even get me started on their crappy unsearchable website.

Where For Art Thou O?

Yep, my O seems to be missing.  No, not that one.  Or the magazine by the same name.  I'm talking about this month's ovulation.  It seems to be nowhere in sight.  I'm very worried.

According to my blood work I had an LH surge on Friday meaning ovulation soon.  The clinic always does the IUI the day after an LH surge which works out roughly to 24 hours later.  On Saturday, I had my IUI.  Not long after that I noticed that my CM dried up.  That's usually a very reliable clue to me of ovulation.  My pelvic pain also went away.  I had sharp pelvic pain Friday night but it was gone on Saturday.  I got excited because I thought this meant that at least I O'd this month.  I was still worried about timing, though, thinking that my egg might not have made it past 12 hours.

Yesterday I took my temp at the regular time.  It went up 0.1 degrees F and thought that was odd but wasn't worried.  This morning?  My temp actually dropped 0.2 degrees F!  OMG!  I took my temp orally first and it was up 0.8 degrees F but my oral temps are all over the place, hence the switch to vaginal temping.  I redid my vaginal temp ... twice ... and it was 0.1 degrees F down from yesterday's then 0.2 degrees F down. 

I called the nurses and left them a message telling them that I might not have ovulated based on my temps and I'm worried.  I want a progesterone test to confirm ovulation.  Okay, I don't know if I ticked them off or something but I got a message back (of course, they call while I'm in a meeting) and the nurse just doesn't seem to understand what I was saying.  She said I had a surge and it was too early to test.  (Flashback: the last time I requested confirmation of O because of spotting issues the nurse, same one I think, was a bit snotty in saying there was no way I couldn't ovulate with an LH surge.  Honest to god ... they really don't know my file ... I have PCOS and an LH surge means O is NOT guaranteed like in 'normal' women.) 

I thought I was clear.  I said I had a surge on Friday, IUI on Saturday and I haven't yet seen a temp rise 2dpIUI.  This has never happened before.  And I was supposed to start progesterone today which I refused to do because it will give me a false temp rise tomorrow.  I want a blood test to make sure I ovulated especially since I have a follow up with my Dr. on Monday.  If I didn't ovulate my Dr. needs to know this so she can add whatever drugs I need to make my first Clo.mid cycle a success which for me at this point simply means ovulation.  I'm very ticked off at the nurse.  What is so hard to understand about "I don't think I ovulated, I want a progesterone test"?

And today I've been experiencing increased pelvic pain on the right side again.  I swear I need to take an ovulation test at home to see if I'm still pre-O. Why is this so difficult?

On the positive side, I might have found a new donor.  Of the 20 whose profiles I requested, I received 19.  I also wanted to know the vial and count numbers because I'm not attaching myself to a donor only to find out he has 1-2 vials left.  I think the rep is a little annoyed with me.  But hey, if your company provided better information off the bat on your website like Xy.tex does most of my issues wouldn't be issues.  So, of those 19 I excluded 7 who have no reported pregnancies.  My bank's website missed 4 of those, i.e. only 3 were listed as having no reported pregnancies.  Okay, so now I'm down to 12 possibles = 10% of the original 114.  I excluded 4 more because the donor's physical characteristics are so different from my family's any child who looked like the donor wouldn't fit in at all.  Leaving me with a whopping 8 donor profiles to look at = 7%.  Of those 7 there are 2 that stand out including one that I had looked at originally but was overshadowed by my 1st donor choice. 

I'm sending off an e-mail tonight to request #'s on my top 2 of this bunch of donors and hopefully there will be 6+ vials available for both so I can make a good choice.  And this time I won't waste even 24 hours.  If everything is in order I'll be placing an order for a new donor on Wednesday.

I've Been Spermed v. 4.0

IUI #4 is done.  It went really quickly.  I had the same nurse as last time.  She remembered to use the longer speculum without a reminder.  But she did have to dash out of the room for tissues after she sucked up the sperm into the catheter.  I got to hold the goods while she ran out.  Hard to believe there are millions of tiny little sperm swimming around in such a small amount of liquid and THAT could get a woman pregnant. The sperm # was up a little bit and the motility was up to 50% from 40% the past 3 times.  So, that was good.

The actual IUI was quick and easy.  My cervix was very cooperative but was tipped down a little this time.  The catheter went in easily and I felt it a little bit once it was in.  But nurse H said that there was no immediate spotting (I did spot quite a bit later, though) and reassured me that even if there was that it wouldn't affect my chances of getting pregnant.  We had to settle the issue of the progesterone Rx again as my RE didn't put that in her orders.  No problemo!  Nurse H wrote out the prescription based on the fact that I've used Endom.etrin before and left it for the Dr. to sign.  I got to hang out on my back on the table for over 15 minutes this time while I waited for the Dr. to check in.

Dr. Happy, the one who did my SIS, was on this weekend and I was wondering what was taking so long this time. When he came in he was in full medical garb complete with mask so I'm guessing he was busy with an egg retrieval or a transfer this morning.  He was happy to sign the prescription for me and said that they think there is no harm in taking the progesterone during the 2ww.  I told him I'd had a little extra cramping this time but that by the 15 minute mark it had gone away.  He noted it in my chart but said that wouldn't affect my chances of getting pregnant so I didn't need to worry about it.  The good thing is that I'm feeling less crampy overall than the past 3 IUIs.

After I was done I did a little shopping.  I desperately needed groceries.  With the cost of sperm eating into my spending I literally had $100 to my name until pay day on Wednesday.  Okay, it wasn't that bad because I've got OT sitting in a savings account but I'm saving that money for sperm and household things like my vacuum cleaner.  I can't just spend it on groceries.  I really needed to get fruit and veggies today.  And I've pulled some chicken out of the freezer to make for lunches this week.  I also stopped at a Pad.erno warehouse sale that started earlier this week.  I needed a new frying pan.  The little one I have is old and I really wanted to replace it because it is too small and it has the old kind of non-stick surface.  The new one is much larger and the non-stick surface isn't toxic.

Once that was done, I got home and grabbed some lunch.  Then I snuggled up on the couch to watch TV while my kitty kept my lap warm during a long snooze.  I fell asleep but woke up in time to watch a replay of The Vam.pire Diar.ies.  OMG!  This week's episode was awesome!

The not so hot thing about this weekend?  This:

I used to think that too [that she, the writer, was infertile]..my sister took three years to get pregnant..and went through two invitros that didn’t work...and I was sure that I would have the same trouble...NOPE!! Fertile Mrytle me!!! Got pregnant with B only off the pill ONE MONTH!! And with A.....even less....so glad I wasn’t a slut in high school...could have been really bad!! LOL

I'm part of a group of friends who spend a lot of time communicating online because we live in 3 different countries, most of whom are spread out across the US.  When I checked in this week and told them what was going on and how horrible I've been feeling about this whole process and feeling like this one just isn't going to work I got a lot of support from my friends, including 2 who went through IVF.  The quote above is the response I got from one of the women.  What on earth possessed her to think that this would be (a) appropriate to tell someone with fertility issues who just expressed how hopeless she felt, and (b) comforting to me in any way, shape or form?  I was so angry I just ignored it.  It is NOT my responsibility to educate others about their stupidity.  Really!

Evil Statistics

If it is possible to suffer from dehydration as a result of crying too much then put my name under that medical condition.  I spent the entire day yesterday crying.  Even when I had to leave the house to shop.  Thank goodness for sunglasses.  I felt like a complete zombie.  And I'm sure everyone around me could tell, too because people were certainly looking at me funny.

I'm just so tired and angry right now.  I'm tired of always falling on the wrong side of statistics.  ALWAYS!

• 8-12% of women have PCOS - I'm one of those 8-12%.
• Of those 8-12% of women who have PCOS 1/2 will also have hypothyroidism - gee, I get to be in the lucky 4-6% of women.  I don't feel lucky.
• What other health problem would you like me to list?  I've got a bunch and guaranteed they aren't common.
• 50-60% of first pregnancies end in miscarriage - I'm one of those 50-60%.
• If an IUI doesn't work in the first 3 tries it probably isn't going to work - check this one too.  I'm the only one in my buddy groups on FF who got pregnant and miscarried.  Everyone else who got pregnant is now on to a healthy pregnancy while I get left behind ... again.

I just don't know what is wrong.  Everything indicates that I'm healthy.  Again, I could not possibly have produced 3 crappy eggs in a row.  Not statistically possible with my numbers.  It just isn't.  So what the hell is wrong with me?  And please don't quote me statistics in order to make me feel better.  See the discussion above on stats - I never fall on the right side of stats.

I do have some sneaking suspicions about what is going on and I'm scared that this is going to get a whole lot more complicated.  When I finally get to my WTF appointment I'm going to ask my Dr. when they start testing for other things because I guarantee they're going to find something.  I know it just like I knew something was wrong with me at 15 when all the doctors ignored me or told me it was all in my head.  So, what could possibly be wrong?  Here are my guesses:

• I have an undiagnosed autoimmune issue.  I had juvenile arthritis when younger so the chances of me having a funky autoimmune problem now are pretty high.  Yes, more crappy statistics.
• I have a clotting disorder.  I wouldn't be surprised.  And it would be beyond what already exists with PCOS.  Of course, I can't take ASA because I'm allergic to it.  Yes, more crappy statistics.
• I have an evil fibroid hanging out in my uterus.  I had an ultrasound done a couple years ago and my specialist said they found a fibroid on the back wall of my uterus measuring about a centimetre square.  I refused to believe her because there was also something else weird about the ultrasound results.  I've never had an issue, ever and I believed they mixed up my test results with someone else's.  There was no mention of this in the letter to my fertility Dr. She never discussed it with me.  And they found absolutely nothing on the SIS.  So, either someone is lying to me or someone is lying to me.

But knowing my luck I'll end up with the unholy trifecta of all 3 of these complicating issues.  Did I ever tell you how shitty my luck is?

So, here are my further predictions:

• This next unmedicated IUI is going to be a flop.  I refuse to test and I think I'm going to stop taking my temp post-O because there's no point and it will drive me nuts.  Still debating whether I should even bother taking progesterone.  Probably will since my prescription costs are mostly covered.
• We move on to Clo.mid and those 6 cycles will be a bust.  I'll have to change donors once maybe twice because my luck is just crappy.
• By then we'll be in October and I have until one day before my 38th birthday in December to pony up $12K for a 3 for the price of 2 IVF program with all 3 to be completed within 2 years.  I already know that I'm going to do it if I'm still not pregnant so don't try to talk me out of it.
• I'm going to be particularly bitter around November 6th, my EDD from my first (and probably only) pregnancy.  And of course, Christmas is the next month and I'll have to put up with my uberfertile sister and her new baby while I will have none.
• Somewhere in there my body (or the universe) is going to play another cruel joke on me making me think I've had yet another successful cycle only to miscarry again.  And just my luck it will be further on so I'll have to put ttc'ing on hold for 2-3 months while my body waits to get the message that I should miscarry.
• April 2011 - I'm still going to be going into the clinic, trying to get pregnant and the doctors are going to be completely confounded as to why this is happening to me, my specialist's poster child for how to deal with PCOS.  Doesn't really help to be the poster child if I can't get pregnant and get it to stick for 9 months.
• I'm going to reach a whole new level of bitter and anger by this time next year.  Yippee!  I'll be even more bitter when all the ladies at work who just got back from mat leave go on mat leave again by this time next year.  And my friends from law school have #2 or #3 respectively within this time frame too.
• I'm going to end up having to go back to my adoption plans only I'm going to be about 3 years older and will still have to wait 3 more years to become a parent.  If I went ahead with the adoption plan I would have been a parent by the time I went back to that option.  And I would have had the cash in hand to pay for it in one fell swoop thanks to overtime.  
• Oh, and the best one?  My sister is going to get pregnant with #3 as soon as she can after calculating just how many weeks of work she needs to put in after coming back from mat leave from #2.  All she needs to put in is 16 weeks of work and she gets another full year of mat leave, again.  So, I'm predicting right now that she'll be pregnant with #3 before she's even returned from mat leave and that she'll be off on mat leave again in the fall of 2012.  She'll no doubt claim it is an 'oops' baby when I know very well it is an 'I can't not be the centre of attention' baby.

 FML!!!

FML!!!

You know that former co-worker I told you about a few posts ago, the one I ran into at the clinic on bloodwork day 2 weeks ago?  She had her IUI done a couple days before mine.  We were both on IUI #3.  Well, guess what?  She got her BFP.  And yet again, I did not.

And every time someone who has recently gotten pregnant through IUI or some other ART tells me, 'oh I'm so sorry, I know how you feel/I know how you must feel' I just want to slap them right through my computer.  NO, you do NOT know how I feel.  You have not been dealing with the psychological damage of infertility diagnosis since you were 15 so please, keep your happiness and pity for me to yourself.  You do NOT understand and you NEVER will.

Why is my body so f'ing defective???

FML!!!

ETA: I can't get in to see my Dr. for a 'can we add Clo.mid' appointment until April 25th!  WTF?  The nurse asked me if I wanted to continue doing unmedicated IUI and I said no, I want to meet with my Dr. to change my protocol and I've tried for 2 days to get someone to call me back to set up an appointment and I never heard back.  They only have 1 day a week set aside for follow up appointments.  So, April 25th it is.  

I'm so not going to be able to get emotionally invested in the next cycle.  I can't because I already know it isn't going to work.  What's the point of getting excited or emotionally involved knowing it is going to be a big fat failure going in?  But I can't NOT do it otherwise I'd be sitting there a year from now wondering whether April 2011 would have been the cycle.  Probably not but I'd wonder anyway.

So now I have to pay the new donor IUI fee at my clinic (how nice it came into effect April 1st?).  That means I'll be throwing $800 dollars plus my time down the toilet.  Again. 

I'm Not Wasting a Test Tomorrow

Change in plans.  I will not be testing until Saturday ... if I even get that far.

I woke up this morning to another temp drop.  My temps are quickly trending downward toward my cover line.  And I woke up with a raging headache, the kind of headache that signals to me that AF is right around the corner.  It is almost always, i.e. 99% accurate.  And nothing helps it and it's made worse by the fact that I can smell EVERYTHING.  I just have to suffer through it and hope it goes away after 24 hours, and if not 48.  I know my body.  This cycle is over.

And of course, today would be the day that stomach cramps show up for the first time in years.  Happened some time in the late afternoon and they were seriously painful until about 15 minutes ago.  It has to be something that I ate but I don't know what caused it.

All I can say is that I'm really disappointed this month.  After a m/c this cycle looked so good, complete with what seemed to be an implantation dip.  Based on 3 cycles of information and physical symptoms I'm absolutely convinced that sperm is meeting egg and I'm even getting implantation but nothing is sticking. I don't know whether I'm the problem, the donor is or we both are.  I've only got 2 more vials of this donor left.  I did another cruise through the donor listings tonight and I still don't see anything I'm interested in.  In fact, the number of Xy.tex listings for Canada just keeps dropping.

I just want to be pregnant.  And I want to be pregnant before June so I, at the very least, have something positive to focus on when my nephew is born.  I do not need yet another reminder from my younger sister about her abundant fertility and my lack of it.  And I'm tired of being used by my sister so she can feel better about herself, to soothe her inferiority complex.  Hey, look at me.  I can have kids, I can have biological kids, I can produce grandchildren.  Who cares what you've done with your life?  As long as I have kids and you don't I feel okay.  Ugh!  When did my sister lose her mind?

If only I could just hide out in the house for the next week.

2dpIUI and Finally a Temp Rise!

Yes, finally got my temp rise this morning.  I was really worried something was wrong so I armed myself with 2, yes 2, thermometers.  They are the same model but my 1st one reads lower than the 2nd so I dumped it in favour of thermometer #2.  I cleaned up both and pulled out the old one for an oral temp today.  That one came in at a whopping 97.8 this am, which is WAY higher than any cover line I've ever had.  Good stuff!  I temped vaginally with the 2nd one, as I have been doing this cycle, and got a 1/2 degree temp jump, up from 97.7 to 98.2.  I've only had this big a temp jump once since I started charting and it was in my craaaazy December cycle which I choose to ignore. 

With the temp rise this morning I was confident in starting my progesterone supplements.  I got the lovely effervescent Endometrin horse pills with applicator again.  I got the Rx phoned in to my pharmacy instead of getting them at the clinic because my insurance plan covers most of the cost right up front.  I hate paying and submitting receipts.  I think I bumped my cervix with the applicator this morning, though, because there was a bit of pink spotting on the applicator when I pulled it out.  It must be irritated from the IUI, still.

I did errands this morning.  The line of credit is now in place.  I'll never use all of it, ever!  But it is ready for a big sperm purchase should that be necessary.  We initially requested the credit for home renovations.  But today we checked off the box saying it was just to have extra credit handy when necessary.  I had a momentary desire to write "to purchase donor sperm" in the space for 'other' but I thought the bankers in TO might think I was nuts.

I popped over to the old health food store which was 1/2 a block from my old condo when I lived downtown.  For some reason my new neighbourhood doesn't have one and we've got 100,000 people living here and in 5-7 years it will be 200,000.  Serious gap in the market.  But I digress.  I finally got to see the expanded store.  It took over the other side of the building it is in and the space that used to be a bar.  Picked up my favourite organic oatmeal there.  I've tried other stuff since moving and it just doesn't work as well for my insulin control as this stuff, even the slow cooking organic stuff.  I bought 4 bags of it. ;-) And I picked up some local honey.  I've been reading how locally produced honey can help you if you're having allergy issues.  Hopefully this will work because my allergies have been driving me nuts lately.

Then I stopped off at a great French bakery on the way back to the car.  I was thinking of picking up one thing but walked out with a dozen really good, fresh hot cross buns instead.  Really tasty.  I think I might run down there on a work day and pick up some more for the freezer.  I then popped in to the mall, which I haven't been to in about a year.  I stopped in at the G.ap to use a 20% off survey coupon.  Everything in the store was 30% off today.  Great deal, if you could actually find something tolerable and that fit.  I was expecting to find things like khakis and walking shorts like they've had in past seasons.  Nope.  Honestly, their stuff just keeps getting crappier and crappier every year.  Even the kids side was horrible.  I was trying to find something to use the coupon on and there was nothing!  I have a new niece and a new nephew to buy something for and I couldn't even find a decent sleeper or body stocking for them.  Ridiculous.  I ended up picking up a couple okay casual shirts that were already on sale and got the extra 30% off.  They'll be good for running errands during our super humid summers. 

I notice that the G.ap now doesn't just have shirts with massive arm holes but they make them even bigger and put a piece of fabric in there to try and cover that up with really bad results.  Why can't they just make something that fits?  I know I've got super skinny arms and a huge chest but really, should you be able to see half my bra under my arms?  What happened to the use of the dart in women's clothing?  That point was brought home when I went to Ban.ana Rep.ublic.  I have a bunch of work stuff from there.  Their pants are very reliable for me and I've purchase one or two pairs a year that now carry me through the cooler months.  But even those were horrible today. I know for a fact that I haven't gained 20 pounds in the past few months otherwise nothing I own would fit.  Why is the size 14 at BR, which always fits, so tiny now?  They were squishing my non-existent butt and I could barely get them closed!  Not to mention any of the shirts or dresses.  They are cut for a cardboard figure.  Really!  Like many women, I have a chest.  Maybe mine is larger than others but what is with fashion focused on cardboard cutouts?  I put this stuff on and I can barely get it over my chest and when I do it squishes it so hard it flattens it and that's saying a lot since I'm a 36H.  Not to mention the weird arm hole thing, oddly placed straps, super tiny hip areas (and I have super tiny hips for my height and size), and crappy fabric.  I picked up 3 knit things because, at least with that, it fits over my chest, I don't have to worry about gaping arm holes, or things not fitting my tiny hips.  I got two thinner long sleeved v-neck sweaters and a cardigan in fresh spring colours all 30% off.  I'm so upset.  I love BR stuff and would LOVE to have more of it in my closet, specifically new tops for work.  But every time I go back the stuff just gets worse and worse.

The only purchase I was happy about today, other than the delicious hot cross buns, was my new runners.  When I lived downtown I walked everywhere.  It was great because exercise was part of my day.  Since moving out to the burbs I've definitely cut back and I need to get back into it.  I got a new pair of Ree.boks with some weird new technology that is supposed to help shape your calves and butt.  They may help my calves which are great but I doubt they'll help my non-existent northern German butt.  They'll take a bit of getting used to since they feel very different from a regular runner with flat soles.  And of course the pair that fits my narrow thin feet best is a new style that wasn't on sale.  Oh well, they'll be good for my feet and I have no 'shoe' excuse to use not to go walking.  Now, to wait just one more week for the snow to finish melting and the weather to improve just a little more and I can get out there.

I'm Emotionally Drained ...

Warning:  big vent ahead.

I know I should be very happy that I started LH bloodwork for this cycle today ... but I was thrown for a loop yesterday and went into a total funk.  And I spent a 1/2 hour last night crying.  I still posted on my other new blog but I had a really hard time thinking positively today. 

Why am I all upset?  I found out that I am the very last person in my group of friends and family to be a parent.  I'm now officially the crazy cat lady.  And I'm very, very sad.  A friend of mine told me yesterday, by e-mail, that one of my 3 good friends from law school had her baby ... and I wasn't even told anything about it.  I knew NOTHING.  And to top that, the other 2 friends from law school had babies in the past 2 months.  Plus ... look at this crazy timeline of fertility over the past few months:

• October - brother and wife have baby #3 (an oops)
• November - friend #1 from law school has baby and find out that sister is having #2 (See the sordid tale here.) 
• December - friend #2 from law school has baby #2 (her oldest, 22 months) 
• January - friend #3 from law school has baby (No one bothered to tell me.  Not sure if this or my sister is worse.) 
• February - other brother and wife expecting #1
  

In that time I've been at OFC trying to figure out a plan of action and get things in place.  And the bigger kicker?  I'm the oldest one.  

Anyone watch Sex & the City?  I feel like Carrie in one of the later episodes. I don't know if you remember the one where she ran into a friend she hadn't seen in a long time.  Turns out she'd just had kid #3 and after their run-in Carrie got an invite to a party, might have been a New York baby shower thing.  Anyway, when Carrie goes to leave her shoes had disappeared.  No one knew where they were.  I think a lot of people thought they'd been stolen since they were Blahniks.  I suspect one of the monster darling children took them.  Carrie wanted her friend to replace them or at least pay her for them.  Her friend refused.  Carrie's point is that she'd spent so much of her time and money celebrating other people's life events that it was time someone reciprocate for her.  Except she'd had no wedding nor children so what was she supposed to do? 

I feel like that except I have the added crap of feeling like I'm constantly waiting:  finishing school, professional licensing, finding a stable job with decent pay and benefits.  Not to mention the lack of a partner.  I got to watch as everyone went on to get married.  I went to the weddings, bought the gifts, toasted the couples.  And trust me, I didn't give up.  I tried a number of different things.  It didn't work.  Singlehood isn't the path I chose.  For some reason it chose me.  (Universe?  I don't understand what you're trying to tell me.)

Carrie's solution to her problem was to invite her friend to a special event and create a gift registry.  The funniest bit?  Her friend was the only invitee and the only item on the gift registry was the pair of shoes that went missing.

I don't have a nifty solution like that.  All I can tell you is that I'm honestly just plain tired of waiting.  And today I'm downright angry.

If I have to hear about another pregnancy (I'm just waiting for yet ANOTHER announcement at work) I think I'll puke. Literally.