In which I have an emotional breakdown

Things came to a head Thursday when I spoke to my cat's vet.  Some of her blood work is better than last year but one of the tests is not good but we don't yet know what is wrong with her.  It could be a continuing kidney issue, a new thyroid thing or cancer.  She already has a major constipation problem that is causing her more trouble every year.  Our necessary trip to the vet cost $500 on Saturday and the vet said the tests her partner would like to perform to figure out what is going on would come to $1000.  I don't have that kind of money.  Yes, I have a good job and I get great OT pay when I travel but I had planned on having a certain amount of money in my account when I go on leave.  I've barely put anything away for retirement this year (we get a nifty tax break until we turn 71 and have to pull it out) and I want to make sure I have something set aside for things like putting up the fence and unexpected things while on mat leave not to mention next year's retirement savings.  I have issues with money, well not actual issues, but fears about not having enough money.  Always have and I'm sure I always will so I freak whenever something like this happens.

Kitty is 16 or so we think.  We don't actually know.  I've had her for 8 1/2 years so I'm not sure where she was before I got her from the shelter but for those 8 1/2 years she's had a good life.  I can't justify putting her through crazy treatments if she has cancer.  She's 16!  Maybe if she were young like my sister's cat. I think he was about 4 or 5 when he was diagnosed and treated for stomach cancer.  The vet college used a novel treatment and he went into remission.  He's now 16.  But my cat?  I don't want to torture her.  She gets so stressed out when we go to the vet.  She went to our current vet at Thanksgiving last year because she was very sick and I had to work away for a week.  Turns out she was horribly constipated and the meds the previous vet had ordered weren't really working.  We also discovered some kidney and pancreas issues as well as past hepatitis.  And she had to board there for a week to get medical care while I was away.  So, kitty gets super upset when we go to the vet now.  I cannot put her through what would be sheer torture for her only to appease my desire to keep her alive longer.  If it turns out she has cancer I want to know the prognosis and figure out how to make her as comfortable and happy as possible until it is better that she leave us. But I still can't help but feel that I'm somehow betraying her by not trying to treat whatever it turns out to be, even cancer.

She had follow up tests today, urine and a calcium test that is supposed to be more definitive.  She had to stay with the vets all day and needed another enema because she is still constipated.  She hasn't used the litter yet.  That set me back another $400.  I'm hoping this test shows something because I'd like a diagnosis and treatment plan before the vet wants me to add another $700 to the bill.

I just lost it last night.  My good appointment with the midwife seems to have gone out the window.  I know that she'll work with me to find out what is best for me and what I want to plan for.  I'll still be responsible for all the decisions but at least I'll feel like I've got someone to lean on.  Then I still have my horribly messy house that is still horribly unorganized.  I feel so behind on that.  Every time I walk into the baby's room I cringe at how much I have to get out of there and organize.  I had trouble adding items to my registry last week.  So much was scanning wrong.  No, I did not add pink anything thank you.  And no, I really didn't add the hooded towel with cars.  I chose the one with the ducks on it for pete's sake.  And I didn't get down there until it was my niece's bad time (mid-afternoon) so she was freaking out.  My mom and sister were wandering around somewhere else.  I wanted their help and I was totally overwhelmed.  How am I supposed to know what to add to my registry, especially breastfeeding gear?  My mom didn't BF us and my sister is the only one close enough for me to ask.  I wasn't going to ask the teenager stocking the shelves what she recommends.  I don't know what else to add but I know I'm missing things I should probably get.  And I have no idea how I'm going to pay for everything.  And that doesn't even include choosing the car seat ...

I'm ticked off at the city for their stupid water main failure and repair earlier this year.  Necessary?  Yes.  Badly timed?  Absolutely.  It rained heavily all of April but then went completely dry just in time for a 3 month water ban while they fixed the water main.  My lawn looks awful, it is embarrassing really.  I'm trying to get new seed to grow in what was supposed to be a cool wet week.  Rain?  Not a single drop all week?  Cool?  Not bad until today when it hit 25 and 29 with the humidity.  I feel like stopping my efforts and just ripping the whole stupid thing out next year and sending the bill to the city.  I'm going to have to move up my perennial transformation plan for the front yard to next year and dump a bunch of decent soil in there to counteract the stupid beach I have under my dead grass.  *sigh*  But I think some decorative stone and succulents like sedum and chick and hens should be easy enough to plant and they'll be fine in the searing summer heat. No matter what the grass at the bottom of the front yard is coming out next year.  Period.

I just lost it last night.  I'm feeling so overwhelmed.  I feel like I have no idea what I'm doing.  I need help but have no one to help me and when they are supposed to they don't do it.  Were I living near my parents I would have been on the phone late last night an emotional wreck.  I was even willing to pay to have my mom fly out just to be here to help for a week. 

The good news is that baby is measuring on time.  The MW broke out the measuring tape for the first time and she said I was measuring 23 weeks so right on schedule.  Baby's heartbeat was in the 150s and was easier to find this time.  And my urine test strip was clear of glucose.  So that was positive. As well as the philosophy of the practice.  I want the least amount of intervention possible while still recognizing that things happen and if I need a c-section so be it.  Just don't ask me to stay on my back during labour, thank you very much.  The midwives won't make me do that, thankfully. 

Even so I just lost it last night ... completely.

Okay, I have to add this new blogging format is really ticking me off.  I managed to delete 3 paragraphs of this entry with a single mistype.  WTF?  This new format doesn't seem to save automatically as often as the old one did.

How did this turn out to be more like thought vomit than a coherent post?