I'm Emotionally Drained ...

Warning:  big vent ahead.

I know I should be very happy that I started LH bloodwork for this cycle today ... but I was thrown for a loop yesterday and went into a total funk.  And I spent a 1/2 hour last night crying.  I still posted on my other new blog but I had a really hard time thinking positively today. 

Why am I all upset?  I found out that I am the very last person in my group of friends and family to be a parent.  I'm now officially the crazy cat lady.  And I'm very, very sad.  A friend of mine told me yesterday, by e-mail, that one of my 3 good friends from law school had her baby ... and I wasn't even told anything about it.  I knew NOTHING.  And to top that, the other 2 friends from law school had babies in the past 2 months.  Plus ... look at this crazy timeline of fertility over the past few months:

• October - brother and wife have baby #3 (an oops)
• November - friend #1 from law school has baby and find out that sister is having #2 (See the sordid tale here.) 
• December - friend #2 from law school has baby #2 (her oldest, 22 months) 
• January - friend #3 from law school has baby (No one bothered to tell me.  Not sure if this or my sister is worse.) 
• February - other brother and wife expecting #1
  

In that time I've been at OFC trying to figure out a plan of action and get things in place.  And the bigger kicker?  I'm the oldest one.  

Anyone watch Sex & the City?  I feel like Carrie in one of the later episodes. I don't know if you remember the one where she ran into a friend she hadn't seen in a long time.  Turns out she'd just had kid #3 and after their run-in Carrie got an invite to a party, might have been a New York baby shower thing.  Anyway, when Carrie goes to leave her shoes had disappeared.  No one knew where they were.  I think a lot of people thought they'd been stolen since they were Blahniks.  I suspect one of the monster darling children took them.  Carrie wanted her friend to replace them or at least pay her for them.  Her friend refused.  Carrie's point is that she'd spent so much of her time and money celebrating other people's life events that it was time someone reciprocate for her.  Except she'd had no wedding nor children so what was she supposed to do? 

I feel like that except I have the added crap of feeling like I'm constantly waiting:  finishing school, professional licensing, finding a stable job with decent pay and benefits.  Not to mention the lack of a partner.  I got to watch as everyone went on to get married.  I went to the weddings, bought the gifts, toasted the couples.  And trust me, I didn't give up.  I tried a number of different things.  It didn't work.  Singlehood isn't the path I chose.  For some reason it chose me.  (Universe?  I don't understand what you're trying to tell me.)

Carrie's solution to her problem was to invite her friend to a special event and create a gift registry.  The funniest bit?  Her friend was the only invitee and the only item on the gift registry was the pair of shoes that went missing.

I don't have a nifty solution like that.  All I can tell you is that I'm honestly just plain tired of waiting.  And today I'm downright angry.

If I have to hear about another pregnancy (I'm just waiting for yet ANOTHER announcement at work) I think I'll puke. Literally.

CD8 - IUI #2 A Go This Month

Good news from me.  The Dr. has given me the go ahead for another IUI.  I start LH monitoring bloodwork this Tuesday.  Nothing much to report from me on that front.  It is a waiting game.  Finally heard back from my Dr.'s secretary.  She wants to see my new cycle info so I'll be sending that letter I drafted and copies of my crazy Dec and Jan cycles.

In other news ... I've been busy.  I finally bought a dining set today.  I knew what I was looking for and just couldn't find it.  I realized that I can't just wait forever.  It is okay to just get something that will work for 10 years.  I'll eventually be getting a beautiful antique dining table at some point (1 of 2 my parents have) so really, did I want to spend $3000 on a dining set?  No.  I have no room for anything like that right now anyway.  I saw something in a flyer a couple weeks ago but missed the sale.  So I kept my eye open and saw the same company had a huge sale this weekend.  I took the plunge.  I bought a 7-piece set, dark brown wood, shaker style so it works with older and more modern decor.  It isn't expandable, but I don't have room for that now.  I am really looking forward to being able to eat breakfast and read the paper on the weekends.  ;-)  Delivery Friday.

In other, other news ... my sister is having a boy.  My niece is sorely disappointed.  She doesn't want a brother.  Am I the only one who as a little girl wanted a brother?  Can't be possible.  My sister thought it was a boy and a friend of mine did too.  The fight over names continues.  My sister and BIL cannot agree.  This is one thing I am very glad I don't have to deal with.  The great thing for me is that if I get pg and have a girl I can get a ton of second hand stuff.

My mom spilled the beans to my sister.  Not exactly what I wanted but I didn't really get much of a chance to say anything to her at Christmas.  I didn't think it was appropriate to drop a bombshell like "hey, I'm busy buying sperm for IUI" when she came over to pick up my niece from our parents' place.  That would be weird ... and awkward.  My mom didn't know if she should say anything but when my sister said that she was trying to figure out what to do with all the girl clothing she had and who to give it to my mom told her not to get rid of it.  My sister was a little surprised but apparently not weird about it.  Although, she did say something really stupid along the lines of "I don't know why people like that don't just adopt."  *sigh*  I've suddenly become 'those kind of people'.  lol  My mom is great because she said to me "what's the difference ... why don't we expect people like her (i.e. my sister, the super fertile) to adopt first before having biological children?"  Exactly.  Just because I'm single, and I have PCOS doesn't mean that I MUST get rid of my desire to have one biological child.  Oh, how easy it is for the super fertile to take this all for granted. 

I've been a bit MIA from the blog and other things because I've been busy working on a new project.  As much as I didn't want it to happen to me I got sucked into the craziness of the 2ww.  Even the most logical and practical of us succumb.  I came up with the brilliant idea of creating a positive thinking project:  Reasons Why I Love My Life.  Over the next 365 days, I will be posting a minimum of one thing or reason why I really like my life or what makes my life great.  On a really good day I might post more than one.  ;-)  I'm hoping this will help me to focus on the positive even on those days when nothing seems to be going right and, more importantly, if I continue to have to go through further IUIs.  I got everything up and running on Bl.ogger and Tw.itter yesterday and have begun to post.  And I have to say that I have been in a fantastic mood since I decided to do this.  I am under no illusions; this is going to be a big challenge, especially on difficult days.  But like I said, I need to focus on something positive.

I don't believe my blog comes up in searches ... yet.  My Tw.itter account should be searchable now but I've noticed that Tw.itter does some really weird things sometimes, i.e. dropping information you know you've updated.  So who knows if I'll be searchable today.

If you are interested in following along please let me know and I can send the info to you.  For the moment I'm keeping this blog separate from my project.  But who knows, at some point I may link the two.

CD 1

I'm back to CD1.  I woke up at 3:30 am to severe cramps.  I haven't had those in years.  Why now?  I got up, took some Pa.mprin and waited for them to go away.  It took about an hour before they subsided completely but it allowed me sleep until I had to take my temp at 5:50 (96.8 F) and to sleep in after that.  I ran out of my beloved Pa.mprin and was unable to get to the store ... was waiting for the clinic to call before I hop on a plane.

Called the clinic around noon to report CD1.  Just got a call back from the nurse who has to check with Dr. V tomorrow for new orders.  I hope I don't have to wait a month.  I'm doing this unmedicated to start and the only monitoring I do is LH bloodwork pre-ovulation.  I can't imagine a reason why I'd be delayed a month. 

I've written most of my letter to Dr. V but feel I am missing something.  I'm going to let it sit a day or so and then e-mail it to her secretary.  That shouldn't set me back a month as the only thing I think I really need at this point is day 21 progesterone testing.  I am, however, going to raise the issue of falling progesterone levels from 8 days post-ovulation to 10/11 days post-ovulation.  I've heard some women have great progesterone levels on 7 days post-ovulation but then have massive drops, so much so that their doctors couldn't believe it. 

And while I'm happy to get on with another cycle, because it means another chance, I'm still disappointed that the January cycle didn't work.  Even though I knew intellectually it had only a 20% chance of working I really did hope that I'd be in that 20%.  It doesn't help that I sometimes get a PMS depression for 1-2 days pre-AF and it definitely hit this month.  And it didn't help that I cried like a baby while watching the latest episode of my latest TV addiction, The Va.mpire Dia.ries.  Yes, I'm a girl and apparently a hormonal one at that.  ;-)

Gotta run to catch my flight!  Doped up on extra-strength Ty.lenol.

12 dpiui ... and I'm Out

Well, I was actually out yesterday but I just didn't feel like posting.  Sorry.  I was just filled with so much anger about what my body is not doing and anger at the clinic staff for not listening to me when I told them I needed a 7 dpo progesterone test.

My temps have been strangely consistent over the past 4-6 days so I thought that maybe my progesterone levels had evened out.  I decided to test yesterday even though I had a feeling this cycle would be a wash.  I used a digital to avoid the evil blue dye tests (or perhaps the satan of the home pregnancy test collection ... sorry, couldn't resist) and I got a big fat negative.  I thought, ok, it isn't over until AF shows. 

Get to work and go to the washroom, cause that commute is always a killer after a nice cup of tea with breakfast.  ;-)  I was spotting.  Bright red.  I don't understand, not because I expected this cycle to work, but because this is WAY too early for me.  That means I might, with the operative word being 'might', have had a decent 10 day luteal phase before my body decided it was time to throw out the bath water ... so to speak. 

It did get worse in the afternoon but nothing more than heavy spotting.  I decided to wait until today to see what happened.  More spotting.  Still not at CD1.  Based on past cycles since coming of bcps last summer I can expect a total of 2 or 3 days of spotting before AF shows its ugly face.  Unless you consider my previous cycle in which I spotted red for a full 6 days before AF showed.  But I'd rather ignore that one.

I still think I have a luteal phase problem, probably a progesterone issue linked to the PCOS and crappy ovulation.  I've asked my Dr.'s secretary if I can send updated cycle info by e-mail (and voice my concerns about the nursing staff) or come in to speak with her (and do the same thing in person).  I believe a little more investigation is warranted and a 7dpo progesterone test should be routine for me.  I'm even willing to pay for it myself if it becomes an issue. 

I just want to get the info to the Dr. and have this week end.  I  might feel just a teensy bit better if I can get to CD1.

Still waiting ... 5dpo

So after the crazy temp drop two days ago my temp shot up to 97.5.  I was pretty pleased.  Then this morning it dropped to 97.05.  *sigh*  Sadly, I think this is just the PCOS playing around.  I still think I have a progesterone issue post-o but since the clinic won't test my levels as 7 dpo I can't prove it to them. 

I also think my ovaries are full of little follicles giving me trouble.  This is a common thing for me, every cycle, but usually of differing depths of pain and duration.  This time feels different, i.e. not as severe and seems to be centred more towards my uterus.  But since I know that pain radiates in the pelvic region (thanks AF for giving me cramps I feel into my toes) and it is way, way, way too early for it to be anything else I just have to use my x-ray vision to stare at my ovaries and tell them to behave. 

Thankfully tomorrow is Friday.  Work hasn't been busy for me since I cut out a bunch of travel but I'm still exhausted.  I'm looking forward to sleeping in on Saturday.  Kitty approves.  ;-)

Temp Drop

So instead of my temp going up today, it dropped.  From a 97.3 to a 96.9.  WTH?  Really?  I'm telling myself that one temperature drop doesn't mean anything but with PCOS I'm a little a.nal about the temp issues. 

I called the clinic to rearrange my pregnancy test.  No problem moving it back a day.  I also asked if I could do a 7 dpo progesterone test to confirm ovulation.  The Dr. wanted one done in December but I couldn't go due to being out of province for 3 weeks.  It was a no go.  I was told that because my LH bloodwork showed a surge that there was no possible way I couldn't have ovulated this cycle.  Maybe the ovulation would be weak this month, but I would have o'd.  Really?  I didn't know that.  (Insert sarcasm here.)  I'm not sure how they can tell beforehand especially with rocky temperatures that are caused, no doubt, by PCOS hormone issues in my post-o phase. I'm not very happy with that.

But, on the good news front I have a new GP.  Well, more like a whole clinic.  My doctor, who is downtown, has been saying she wants to retire for some time now.  I think she's trying to get a young doctor to take over her sole practice but I decided to be proactive and find a new one now that I'm out in the suburbs.  I found a community clinic where the doctors are salaried (I'm a huge believer in that), there are nurse practitioners and other health professionals on staff, and other community services are provided right in the same clinic. 

I went for my meet and greet and met the nurse practitioner who I love!  I'm so excited.  I'll be seeing her for most things as the meds I have to take are all things she can prescribe.  I asked her about an antihistamine I can take in the 2ww and after and she ran to grab the 'pregnancy and meds' bible they use.  And absolutely no judgment about attempting to become a single mom either ... which I love!  So far the clinic seems really quiet but that might change once more people know it exists.  But, so far so good.  And I will no longer be stuck needing a prescription refill while my doc is on 5 weeks of previously unannounced vacation out of the country. 

So in the end my day turned out okay.  Crossing my fingers for my temp to go up again tomorrow, even by just a little.

Bad Blogger ... in the 2ww

Yes, I've been a very bad blogger.  Perhaps there's an award out there for someone like me.  lol  But seriously, I really hadn't had much to report.  But now I do.

I'm currently in the 2ww after an IUI on January 15th.  I opted to go in for LH monitoring bloodwork starting on CD 10, which was last Wednesday, thanks to 2 very wonky cycles in which I wasn't sure I actually ovulated.  I am absolutely certain based on my charts, temps and abdominal pain that I had a cyst (or 2) in November and December.  I had a quick follow up with the RE in early December and she said my charts still looked biphasic but that I could do a 7 dpo progesterone test.  Which I couldn't do because I was out of the province for 3 weeks over the holidays.

So, I just went with that cycle anticipating my call with the clinic nurse to tell me the protocol for a January IUI.  And my December cycle was bizarre.  But I did get my call on December 21st prepping me for January.  The process for an unmedicated IUI at my clinic is to call in on CD 1 and leave a message.  The nurses will call you back the next day.  My protocol is to start either OPKs or LH bloodwork on CD 10 since I've ovulated as early as CD 12.  Because of my 2 wonky cycles I opted for daily bloodwork to be on the safe side. 

I had a super nervous stomach leading up to the start of bloodwork.  Wow!  That was something I wasn't expecting at all.  But as soon as I went in for the first draw it settled.  On Friday, I got the call that I was surging, i.e. LH >30, and that I would come in Saturday at 9 am for my IUI.  Yeah!  Considering it looks like I ovulated on CD 17 in December I was relieved.  Friday was a great day until I got to my park & ride and saw the lovely ticket from the city.  Why have a park & ride if people can't park there?  Stupid.

Saturday, I was up early to get to the clinic with a 1/2 hour to spare.  They say to be there 15 minutes early but that is when they call you into the treatment room and considering snow was in the forecast I wanted to leave early.  I had time to break out a book before they called my name.

I met the nurse who wasn't sure if this was my 1st or 2nd IUI.  Definitely the first.  Apparently there were a few of newbies on Saturday.  We double checked the paperwork and the vial to make sure the donor number was correct.  I got a look at the report:
Volume = 5 mL
Total sperm count = 80 million
# sperm/mL = 16 million
Motility = 40% (this one is a little on the low side of normal and has me slightly concerned so I might follow up)

And then we got down to business.

The nurse couldn't find my cervix opening.  *sigh*  Apparently my cervix was tipped to the left.  No one has told me that before so I don't know if this is the usual thing or if it was playing jokes on us.  She used a speculum that was too short ... and caused way too much pain.  My toes were curling up.  She got a longer one and was finally able to find the cervix.  I felt the catheter go in and even though it wasn't anything I'd like to experience every day it was definitely bearable.

And then, it was done.  Short and sweet.  I was to lie there for 15 minutes and wait for the doctor to check on me before I could leave.  I have to say it was really, really weird sitting there on my back staring at the ceiling and the clock thinking about all the little swimmers making their way around my uterus.  I've never so much as had unprotected sex my entire life so it made it all the more surreal.  Dr. J. came in, not the doc I was expecting, and made sure everything was okay.  No problem.  And I was given my card for my pregnancy test on February 1st.  I'm out of town that day so I'll have to call back and schedule it for the 2nd.  Although, given my luteal phase length (13 or 14 days) if this IUI didn't work I'll definitely know before the 1st ... or the 2nd.

Out of curiosity I took OPKs on Saturday after the IUI and I got a positive in the morning and afternoon both Fir.st Res.ponse and Cle.ar Blue Di.gital.  Based on the OPKs and the abdominal pain I felt I am certain I ovulated on the weekend.  And I've seen 2 days of temp rises as well.  I'm now waiting to see if I get another temp rise tomorrow before ovulation can be confirmed.

I took Saturday fairly easy spending the morning on the couch with my cat on my lap and dealing with the low level abdominal and cervical pain and the spotting from the IUI.  By Sunday I was feeling much better, no pain left at all.

I'm really happy I chose to go with bloodwork because if I relied on OPKs alone I might have missed my surge althogether.  If there is a follow up IUI, and I'm sure there will be just based on statistics, I'll definitely go in for bloodwork again.  And now I get to move on to pregnancy tests in a couple weeks and guaranteed I'll become a POAS (pee on a stick) aholic.  ;-)