Tuesday, February 8, 2011

I'm Emotionally Drained ...

Warning:  big vent ahead.

I know I should be very happy that I started LH bloodwork for this cycle today ... but I was thrown for a loop yesterday and went into a total funk.  And I spent a 1/2 hour last night crying.  I still posted on my other new blog but I had a really hard time thinking positively today. 

Why am I all upset?  I found out that I am the very last person in my group of friends and family to be a parent.  I'm now officially the crazy cat lady.  And I'm very, very sad.  A friend of mine told me yesterday, by e-mail, that one of my 3 good friends from law school had her baby ... and I wasn't even told anything about it.  I knew NOTHING.  And to top that, the other 2 friends from law school had babies in the past 2 months.  Plus ... look at this crazy timeline of fertility over the past few months:
  • October - brother and wife have baby #3 (an oops)
  • November - friend #1 from law school has baby and find out that sister is having #2 (See the sordid tale here.) 
  • December - friend #2 from law school has baby #2 (her oldest, 22 months) 
  • January - friend #3 from law school has baby (No one bothered to tell me.  Not sure if this or my sister is worse.) 
  • February - other brother and wife expecting #1
In that time I've been at OFC trying to figure out a plan of action and get things in place.  And the bigger kicker?  I'm the oldest one.  

Anyone watch Sex & the City?  I feel like Carrie in one of the later episodes. I don't know if you remember the one where she ran into a friend she hadn't seen in a long time.  Turns out she'd just had kid #3 and after their run-in Carrie got an invite to a party, might have been a New York baby shower thing.  Anyway, when Carrie goes to leave her shoes had disappeared.  No one knew where they were.  I think a lot of people thought they'd been stolen since they were Blahniks.  I suspect one of the monster darling children took them.  Carrie wanted her friend to replace them or at least pay her for them.  Her friend refused.  Carrie's point is that she'd spent so much of her time and money celebrating other people's life events that it was time someone reciprocate for her.  Except she'd had no wedding nor children so what was she supposed to do? 

I feel like that except I have the added crap of feeling like I'm constantly waiting:  finishing school, professional licensing, finding a stable job with decent pay and benefits.  Not to mention the lack of a partner.  I got to watch as everyone went on to get married.  I went to the weddings, bought the gifts, toasted the couples.  And trust me, I didn't give up.  I tried a number of different things.  It didn't work.  Singlehood isn't the path I chose.  For some reason it chose me.  (Universe?  I don't understand what you're trying to tell me.)

Carrie's solution to her problem was to invite her friend to a special event and create a gift registry.  The funniest bit?  Her friend was the only invitee and the only item on the gift registry was the pair of shoes that went missing.

I don't have a nifty solution like that.  All I can tell you is that I'm honestly just plain tired of waiting.  And today I'm downright angry.

If I have to hear about another pregnancy (I'm just waiting for yet ANOTHER announcement at work) I think I'll puke. Literally.


  1. It's such a hard place to be in...having to watch everyone else get what you want...so many people are so insensitive about your feelings too...they don't understand why you might be sad in light of their happy happy news...well you can be happy for them & still feel sad for yourself. I hope there's a hiatus on happy news in your circle...you deserve a break. I really hope you get to be the one making a happy announcement soon.

  2. Thank you.

    I'm feeling much better today but it never goes away. It has always been there in one way or another for 22 years so it isn't a surprise that it rears its ugly head from time to time.

    The fact that my sister doesn't understand why I might want a biological child really irks me. Ugh!

    At least my mom who has never been in my shoes tries to understand. She gets that what I'm doing is far more stressful than my sister because I am not oblivious, I know exactly when I go in for LH bloodwork, when the IUI is, what dpo I'm on, when I am supposed to test, etc. And of course, the infamous dildocam. She's never had to come near one of those. My mom understands it isn't an obsession, we just aren't blissfully ignorant and that in itself causes stress.

    I just wish I could skip the whole gift giving thing but I know I can't. Dreading going back to book club in April now because I know friend #3 will definitely have her baby there so she can show him off. *sigh*