What the Heck is This? 15 dpo

This is from 7:20 this morning.  Taken just to make sure I could stop my progesterone.



There are definitely 2 pink lines on this test.



What the heck?  Here is a close up of the test window.



Can you see the 2nd line on this one?



I'm stunned.

13 dpo and Another BFN

Yep, 4 tests now confirm it.  Both digital and non.  I am definitely not pregnant.  Again.  I think I've mostly moved out of the anger phase into the grief phase for this month.  *sigh*  I feel like the tests are just mocking me now.

That looks like a double negative to me.

I know that my RE said to finish my progesterone prescription but that would take me to 16 dpo and knowing that AF will still take time to show up after that I really don't want to delay things any longer.  I think the best plan of action is for me to take the progesterone tomorrow (14 dpo), confirm BFN with one more test in the AM and then stop.  Wait for AF to show.  My treatment schedule has very little flexibility in it thanks to my travel requirements (1x/month) and I can't expect work to continue to change the travel schedule to accommodate me.

On the good side of things (if there is such a thing this month) I was able to get a progesterone Rx extension to carry me through the next week to my beta test rescheduled to Friday, March 4th to accommodate my travel.  The nurse I spoke with, H, initially misunderstood the prescription. She thought I had gotten endometrin from the clinic pharmacy.  But since my RE appointment was after the pharmacy closed we had to go with a regular Rx for progesterone.  The endometrin is also given out for 21 days vs. 14 for the progesterone.  And once you get to your beta they stop you.  Once we got all of that settled the prescription was phoned in to my pharmacy.  I expected a tiny bottle with 6 pills in it.  Nope.  The guy pulled out this massive bag with a box.  I thought he'd grabbed the wrong prescription but it was my name and address.  Somehow they'd given me a Rx for a full 21-day supply of endometrin. 

Is it really effervescent or is that an advertising ploy?

I can't wait to try the effervescent nature of this product first hand.  lol  Thankfully my insurance plan covered 80% of the cost of this box because without it I'd be out by just over $100.  Yikes!  All I know is that I've got a full month's supply of endometrin to carry me forward if I ever do see that BFP (which I'm seriously doubting at this point) so that I can make the case to my RE or NP that I need to be on the supplement through the entire first trimester.  I took the supplements for LP support and miracle of miracles I have had no spotting even on 13 dpo.  That proves my theory that my progesterone levels were just too low.  At this point, though, I don't have to worry about this ... obviously ... so I'm going to let it sit.

The other good thing is nurse H.  She was the nurse I dealt with when she gave me instructions ahead of my first IUI cycle.  I like her the best out of all the nurses I've dealt with so far followed quite closely by nurse A who did my 2nd IUI.  When I spoke to nurse H about the prescription extension on Friday I told her that all of this was likely going to be moot anyway.  I wasn't going to need the beta either.  She became very concerned, you could tell by the way she said "why do you think that?".  I didn't tell her it was because at 12 dpo I'd already seen 3 very negative tests, not even a faint line on the non-digis.  All I told her was that I just felt it wouldn't be needed.  You could feel the compassion in her voice when she replied, "Ah, you just have a feeling."  More than a feeling, but yes, this cycle is a bust.  I like nurse H.

And you want to know the best part about this week?  I now have another niece to add to the list of the ever expanding family.  And I found out she was born on the day I got my slew of BFNs.  Of course!  I will never be able to look at little Rebekka, a picture of her, think about her, or go shopping for a birthday present for her without thinking about my BFFN, my big fat f'in negative this month.  How nice is that?

Can we just get on with March, please?  And AF?  You'd better well cooperate!

I Gave In ...

... and peed on a stick.  Held 4 hours tonight, 10 dpo.  Used a purple dye test.  No EVIL blue dye tests allowed in my house.  And I got a ........

BFN! 

Oh well.  I told myself that at least I'd know before using the digital tomorrow.  I still plan on following up with the digital in the am and, if that one is negative, another digital about 14 dpo before stopping my progesterone.

My entire day tomorrow won't be ruined by a stupid BFN tomorrow, at least.

No News From Me ... 7dpo

Nothing new to report here.  Except that progesterone is currently kicking my ass.  I've now fallen into the "use caution if driving and avoid alcohol" category as described on the medication information sheet I got with my prescription.  So, that makes it:

• 2 days of feeling off to the point I munched on a lot of pretzels
• 2 days of no level of patience whatsoever
• 4 days and counting of fatigue, tiredness, exhaustion, etc.  

The good news is that my hormones definitely seem to be more stable this month.  I'm not getting weird pelvic pain like last cycle so I highly doubt I have a cyst this month.  This has been a concern, at least to me, in a few past cycles.  I think I can feel my corpus luteum acting up a little from time to time but haven't felt that for a couple days.  Oh, and FF did actually adjust my O date after entering my 4th high temp post-O.  I knew I was right.  ;-)

I gave up on temping after getting a really nice jump on Friday morning.  I did it out of curiosity this morning because I woke up at roughly the same time I would during the week even without the alarm.  I had a huge drop in temp but I'm not worrying about it at all since I'm on the supplements, I usually get weird temp drops and spikes post-O and because it is 7dpo ... I'm hoping this drop is actually a good sign. 

Now, to make it until the end of the week before I can test.  I'll be 12 dpo on Friday and would really like to test then because I'm off on another business trip in a week and I'll be gone Sunday afternoon through Thursday evening.  If I have to go in for betas I'm not going to be able to get proper doubling times so I'd like to be able to start out here on Friday with a follow up on Sunday.  But all of this is moot if AF shows so I'm not going to think about it beyond that.

You Want Me To Stick That Where?

Got ya' with that catchy title, did I?

I had my follow up with Dr. V. yesterday.  She recognized my concerns about early spotting in the luteal phase and said there was no harm in taking progesterone.  The timing was perfect as today I am one day post-IUI and they prescribe progestrone to be started 2 days post-IUI.  The clinic pharmacy was closed by the time I had my appointment so I couldn't get endometrin so I ended up with prometrium instead.  When I asked Dr. V. about the difference she said that patients find the endometrin less messy. 

But since prometrium is available at any pharmacy I am now armed with a Rx for 2 100 mg suppositories/day ... hence the entry title.  I took my first one today.  Or should I say 'inserted it'.  Went well this morning but it took me a while to figure out a strategy to get that sucker in there without it popping out of my fingers and rolling around on the floor.  I locked my cat out of the bathroom lest I drop it and she think it was a toy or a tasty treat.  Imagine trying to explain THAT disaster to my vet.  "Sorry, I know something is wrong with her but she ate my progesterone suppository."  I was also paranoid I would drop it and, with a cat, it would have been absolutely impossible for me to pick that up and use it.  Gagh!  The one tonight gave me a little trouble.  Got stuck at the start but I did get it in there. 

I use FF to chart and it and my CM were definitely at odds this month.  FF has placed ovulation Saturday while I still had full on EWCM on Sunday during my IUI.  The nurse even commented on it.  So, I think I'm actually only 2 days post-O, not 3.  If so, then FF's pregnancy predictor can take a hike.

Unfortunately for me I started feeling off today.  I am not feeling completely nauseous but definitely off.  I bought some pretzels and sugar-free gingerale to take to work to help as I've noticed nibbling helps to stave off the awful feeling.  And now tonight, my breasts are definitely sore.  If I do get sore breasts post-O they definitely don't hurt this early.  Ever.  So lucky me I get breast pain the first day I'm on progesterone.  Only 13 more days to go. 

You know who I did feel sorry for?  The guy at the pharmacy last night who seemed hell bent on getting his wife's prescription (I assume it was his wife since I don't think the woman's name was his) he tried to butt in line ahead of me.  I got my Rx first but he got stuck standing next to me as the pharmacist explained to "insert the progesterone into my vagina 2 times a day".  You don't want to hear that stuff then don't be so pushy.  Wait next time otherwise I might just get the pharmacist to say "vagina" over and over again just to embarrass you.  ;-)

I've Been Spermed

I got the call yesterday that I was surging and had my IUI shortly after 10 am this morning.  Beautiful drive over to the clinic today.  It was a quiet, calm morning with huge fluffy snowflakes that just floated down to the ground. 

They seemed to be running a bit behind today or at least maybe this one was on time and the 1st one was just running really early.  Who knows?  But things went so much better and faster this time.  Different nurse.  Told her that I needed a longer speculum so she pulled that out right away.  Huge difference!  No pun intended.  ;-)  The whole thing was done in 2 minutes.  Quick and easy.  In fact, the nurse said that I was the easiest patient she'd ever had.  We both broke out into laughter over that one.  We know full well she meant 'insertion of catheter through the cervical opening' but it just sounded totally ridiculous in the situation.  Sure ... okay, I guess I'm easy.  Don't tell anyone I went to high school with.  ROFL! 

I had absolutely no pain this time.  Didn't even feel the catheter at all.  And I've had no spotting whatsoever either.  The nurse commented on my great CM which I've continued with today.  That gives me some reassurance that the pain I felt last night was NOT O-pain, just some weird non-related lower abdominal pain. 

Dr. V. was on call this weekend so she popped in before I left.  I see her tomorrow for a follow up visit.  Yeah!  We'll see what she says tomorrow.  But today she left me with 2 pieces of good news:

• The sperm sample was very good.  Same numbers as last time.  That reassures me.
• The nurse did not make a mistake yesterday when she told me that my LH was at 76.89.  Yes, 76.89!  From 17.68 to 76.89 in 24 hours.  Dr. V. said they rarely see an LH level that high and hoped that meant good things for this cycle.  Me too.

I found a nifty little chart of LH levels over at the site we know as Wi.ki and my levels are literally almost off the charts.  I'm really crossing my fingers this means a good ovulation and a really good egg this time round.

Now?  To survive the 2ww.

CD 13 ... and the wait continues

Just got a call from the nurse.  Here are my levels today:

• E2 - 888 (slowly rising now)
• LH - 17.68 (keep going!  We need to hit 30.)
• P4 - 2

So, it looks like we're now aiming for a Sunday IUI.  The nurse I spoke to said it looks good and that I'll likely hit surge tomorrow.  I hope so because I don't want to also take Monday off work.

Oh, doorbell.  My furniture is here!

CD 12

Good news!  My E2 and LH levels keep rising.

• E2 - now close to 800
• LH - 11

The nurse thought I'd probably hit surge tomorrow.  I think so too if my CM is any indication.  ;-)

CD11 Bloodwork

First off, I'm feeling better today.  I felt better right off the bat in the morning.  But it still hasn't gone away.  At least I'm not feeling like I'm either going to burst into tears or tear someone's head off.  So that's an improvement.  But in my head I'm doing the whole psychological preparation to head off nastiness when I see my friends and their babies.  I don't even want to think about the arrival of my nephew in June.  Maybe I'll see what I can do to avoid traveling there for work while my sister is still pregnant so I don't have to see that on a regular basis.  I can do Winnipeg instead.

More LH bloodwork today and the nurse who called me with the update actually gave me my numbers:

• E2 - 467
• LH - 8.1 (must be >30 for surge)

The numbers are rising so I'm guessing I'll hit surge on Friday and have IUI #2 on Saturday.  My CM is starting to change but nowhere near where it should be for an IUI on Friday.  But overall not bad because I won't have to miss work.  I was crossing my fingers for Friday so that I could take a full sick day (thank you stupid cramps) and be home for my furniture delivery.  And I could stay home and watch The Vampire Diaries all day if I wanted to.  Yeah, I could do that on Saturday too but it doesn't have the same effect.  Somehow it just feels better to do that on a real day off, not a weekend day when you should be doing housework.  ;-)

I'm Emotionally Drained ...

Warning:  big vent ahead.

I know I should be very happy that I started LH bloodwork for this cycle today ... but I was thrown for a loop yesterday and went into a total funk.  And I spent a 1/2 hour last night crying.  I still posted on my other new blog but I had a really hard time thinking positively today. 

Why am I all upset?  I found out that I am the very last person in my group of friends and family to be a parent.  I'm now officially the crazy cat lady.  And I'm very, very sad.  A friend of mine told me yesterday, by e-mail, that one of my 3 good friends from law school had her baby ... and I wasn't even told anything about it.  I knew NOTHING.  And to top that, the other 2 friends from law school had babies in the past 2 months.  Plus ... look at this crazy timeline of fertility over the past few months:

• October - brother and wife have baby #3 (an oops)
• November - friend #1 from law school has baby and find out that sister is having #2 (See the sordid tale here.) 
• December - friend #2 from law school has baby #2 (her oldest, 22 months) 
• January - friend #3 from law school has baby (No one bothered to tell me.  Not sure if this or my sister is worse.) 
• February - other brother and wife expecting #1
  

In that time I've been at OFC trying to figure out a plan of action and get things in place.  And the bigger kicker?  I'm the oldest one.  

Anyone watch Sex & the City?  I feel like Carrie in one of the later episodes. I don't know if you remember the one where she ran into a friend she hadn't seen in a long time.  Turns out she'd just had kid #3 and after their run-in Carrie got an invite to a party, might have been a New York baby shower thing.  Anyway, when Carrie goes to leave her shoes had disappeared.  No one knew where they were.  I think a lot of people thought they'd been stolen since they were Blahniks.  I suspect one of the monster darling children took them.  Carrie wanted her friend to replace them or at least pay her for them.  Her friend refused.  Carrie's point is that she'd spent so much of her time and money celebrating other people's life events that it was time someone reciprocate for her.  Except she'd had no wedding nor children so what was she supposed to do? 

I feel like that except I have the added crap of feeling like I'm constantly waiting:  finishing school, professional licensing, finding a stable job with decent pay and benefits.  Not to mention the lack of a partner.  I got to watch as everyone went on to get married.  I went to the weddings, bought the gifts, toasted the couples.  And trust me, I didn't give up.  I tried a number of different things.  It didn't work.  Singlehood isn't the path I chose.  For some reason it chose me.  (Universe?  I don't understand what you're trying to tell me.)

Carrie's solution to her problem was to invite her friend to a special event and create a gift registry.  The funniest bit?  Her friend was the only invitee and the only item on the gift registry was the pair of shoes that went missing.

I don't have a nifty solution like that.  All I can tell you is that I'm honestly just plain tired of waiting.  And today I'm downright angry.

If I have to hear about another pregnancy (I'm just waiting for yet ANOTHER announcement at work) I think I'll puke. Literally.

CD8 - IUI #2 A Go This Month

Good news from me.  The Dr. has given me the go ahead for another IUI.  I start LH monitoring bloodwork this Tuesday.  Nothing much to report from me on that front.  It is a waiting game.  Finally heard back from my Dr.'s secretary.  She wants to see my new cycle info so I'll be sending that letter I drafted and copies of my crazy Dec and Jan cycles.

In other news ... I've been busy.  I finally bought a dining set today.  I knew what I was looking for and just couldn't find it.  I realized that I can't just wait forever.  It is okay to just get something that will work for 10 years.  I'll eventually be getting a beautiful antique dining table at some point (1 of 2 my parents have) so really, did I want to spend $3000 on a dining set?  No.  I have no room for anything like that right now anyway.  I saw something in a flyer a couple weeks ago but missed the sale.  So I kept my eye open and saw the same company had a huge sale this weekend.  I took the plunge.  I bought a 7-piece set, dark brown wood, shaker style so it works with older and more modern decor.  It isn't expandable, but I don't have room for that now.  I am really looking forward to being able to eat breakfast and read the paper on the weekends.  ;-)  Delivery Friday.

In other, other news ... my sister is having a boy.  My niece is sorely disappointed.  She doesn't want a brother.  Am I the only one who as a little girl wanted a brother?  Can't be possible.  My sister thought it was a boy and a friend of mine did too.  The fight over names continues.  My sister and BIL cannot agree.  This is one thing I am very glad I don't have to deal with.  The great thing for me is that if I get pg and have a girl I can get a ton of second hand stuff.

My mom spilled the beans to my sister.  Not exactly what I wanted but I didn't really get much of a chance to say anything to her at Christmas.  I didn't think it was appropriate to drop a bombshell like "hey, I'm busy buying sperm for IUI" when she came over to pick up my niece from our parents' place.  That would be weird ... and awkward.  My mom didn't know if she should say anything but when my sister said that she was trying to figure out what to do with all the girl clothing she had and who to give it to my mom told her not to get rid of it.  My sister was a little surprised but apparently not weird about it.  Although, she did say something really stupid along the lines of "I don't know why people like that don't just adopt."  *sigh*  I've suddenly become 'those kind of people'.  lol  My mom is great because she said to me "what's the difference ... why don't we expect people like her (i.e. my sister, the super fertile) to adopt first before having biological children?"  Exactly.  Just because I'm single, and I have PCOS doesn't mean that I MUST get rid of my desire to have one biological child.  Oh, how easy it is for the super fertile to take this all for granted. 

I've been a bit MIA from the blog and other things because I've been busy working on a new project.  As much as I didn't want it to happen to me I got sucked into the craziness of the 2ww.  Even the most logical and practical of us succumb.  I came up with the brilliant idea of creating a positive thinking project:  Reasons Why I Love My Life.  Over the next 365 days, I will be posting a minimum of one thing or reason why I really like my life or what makes my life great.  On a really good day I might post more than one.  ;-)  I'm hoping this will help me to focus on the positive even on those days when nothing seems to be going right and, more importantly, if I continue to have to go through further IUIs.  I got everything up and running on Bl.ogger and Tw.itter yesterday and have begun to post.  And I have to say that I have been in a fantastic mood since I decided to do this.  I am under no illusions; this is going to be a big challenge, especially on difficult days.  But like I said, I need to focus on something positive.

I don't believe my blog comes up in searches ... yet.  My Tw.itter account should be searchable now but I've noticed that Tw.itter does some really weird things sometimes, i.e. dropping information you know you've updated.  So who knows if I'll be searchable today.

If you are interested in following along please let me know and I can send the info to you.  For the moment I'm keeping this blog separate from my project.  But who knows, at some point I may link the two.