CD11 & the Waiting Continues

My blood work seems to be a little more on track today:

• E2 = 411
• LH = 10.04

I was a little worried that my LH was a high in comparison to my E2 for CD10 but it appears to be well within normal today.  Good thing.  I'm thinking O on CD15 again this cycle.  A consistent CD15 O every cycle would make me very happy.  Crossing my fingers that my E2 and LH continue to rise appropriately this week.

I had a bit of a craptastic day.  That's my new favourite word, 'craptastic'.  I find myself in a constant state of minor numbness.  So, today started like any other day with that undercurrent of emotional numbness.  But then 2 online friends at FF asked me how I was doing, noticing I was getting close to mid-cycle.  K and S, if you're reading don't worry, you didn't cause this.  I'm feeling it already.  Talking about it just opened the door.  I'm very good at locking away difficult things in my brain, separating them from everything else.  I couldn't do my job if I didn't have that ability.  I do better this way and am mostly able to deal with the ttc'ing and defective body crap now that I'm coming out of my funk.  But when I have to open the door to discussing it I find it just hurts ... and I don't like that at all.  I hadn't cried in a week but I started to today when reading messages to me on FF.  Hey, I couldn't even look at myself in the mirror for a week because I couldn't handle looking at the person whose defective body I inhabit.  Ugh!  I hate this.

Accepting Clo.mid is still a struggle.  I just keep trying to remind myself that REs prescribe it to women who don't even have any identifiable fertility issues to get their BFPs.  It does not mean I and my body are a failure.  I must keep repeating that until I believe it ... but boy, that is going to be hard. I think I feel a bit of a failure in this regard because I've done so well in dealing with the PCOS but obviously not well enough to get a sticky BFP.

I am seriously considering skipping Christmas at home this year, especially without a BFP.  I just don't want to deal with my sister's drama and condescension.  She was perfectly okay with the prospect of me adopting but apparently not with me having a biological child.  I don't get it.  And I really don't want to be reminded of what I don't have right after I turn 38.  I don't know if I can handle that.  Problem is I don't know where to go.  I'm not into sun vacations and Christmas is such a big vacation time around the world that I can't really go anywhere without it shutting down places for at least a couple days.  I don't know ...

I'm procrastinating about reactivating my all access pass with the donor company.  I'm still under the illusion that maybe, just maybe, I'll get a BFP this month and I won't need to shell out more money.  And I'm bothered by the fact that if I have to keep going all year I'll have spent 2 student loans worth of money on sperm ... with no results.  And I'll still have all 3 student loans to pay off.  That really bothers me. 

And every day that goes by the closer I get to the realization that my grandmothers are never going to meet my child.  They're probably not even going to get to know I'm pregnant.  My maternal grandma was just diagnosed with heart failure and is now on a waiting list for a place in a care home.  My paternal grandma (whom I don't like one bit because she's mean) has breast cancer and has chosen the no treatment option.  They are both in their mid-80s.  I'm absolutely convinced they think I'm a man- and child-hater.  I am most definitely not and I'd like to prove them wrong but I don't think I'm going to get the chance before they die.  Oh boy, this post is getting depressing.

Universe?  You owe me big time.  BIG time.