Thursday, April 14, 2011

CD13 ... and a thank you

A big thanks to all my recent commenters.  I have been feeling so awful lately and even though I couldn't even read some of your comments without crying I can do that now.  And your comments certainly help now that I can focus on them and not my pain.  I've turned a bit of a corner this week and am not so focused on the sad parts.  I'm not sure whether I have felt worse because I decided to go ahead with an IUI in March, post m/c.  But I don't know if I would feel better having skipped March.  I certainly wouldn't feel as bad about that cycle not working and my former co-worker getting her BFP that same month.  Maybe this is all still emotions from the m/c.  I don't know.  But I'm feeling better and that's what matters.

Still not looking forward to Clo.mid but if it can give me a better chance of a BFP then I'm okay with it.  Well, okay not entirely 'okay' with it because I still feel that my body should just do something normal instead of having to rely on drugs.  But that might take a couple years and I just don't have the time for that, especially if I want a couple of children.  So ... back to this cycle.

I was getting a little worried about my body's slow progression but things have started to move a bit.  My ovaries, or should I say the right one, are gearing up for something.  I can feel the right one again this month. Totally dominant.  I was anxious to get the blood work results and they've started to shift too:
  • E2 = 874
  • LH = 14.3
  • P4 = 1.52
While I'm not near surge yet it is moving in the right direction.  I'm just crossing my fingers that I'm not just over 30 tomorrow because I think that would lead to a mistimed IUI.  Last month my surge was 47 the last time it was measured and I didn't O until 48 hours later with the IUI smack dab in between.  My February (read m/c) cycle was perfect.  My LH was 76 and I ovulated the day of my IUI.  Perfect!  I can't control this process but I really hope that my body cooperates just enough that I have a shot at a BFP.  I just don't want this one to fail because of a timing issue.  That would totally suck.  Not to mention it would be a waste of perfectly good sperm and my money.  :-( 

Oh yes, I'm absolutely convinced this cycle is going to be a bust but I can't help but hope that maybe, just maybe, I'll have a good egg, the right sperm will get in there and we'll get a perfect BFP.  I'm allowed to dream just a little, right?  But I do have to say that pretty much giving up on this cycle has made for a less stressful week.  Treating it like it isn't going to work, not planning on temping or testing is really bringing my stress levels down.  So is focusing on my Clo.mid appointment with Dr. V.  I'm just focusing on cycle #5.  Ignore #4 ... ignore it ... it's an attention seeker so just ignore it ...

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