The plan moving forward

I met with my RE today.  We now have a plan for future cycles.  I'll be starting 50mg of Clo.mid on CD3 and will take it until CD7.  I will go into the clinic for blood work and ultrasounds starting on CD 10.  And I will use a trigger shot, Ovi.drel to be exact, to trigger ovulation.  My clinic likes to see 2-4 good follicles per cycle but they will do an IUI with just one. 

Dr. V said that it really isn't unreasonable to do more unmedicated IUIs as it just takes time to get pregnant.  Well, lucky me I didn't fall into the get pregnant in x months like everyone else in my buddy group did.  Oh yes, and the one woman from that buddy group who just did IVF this month apparently has her BFP.  *sigh* Sure, it can take up to 12-18 months to get pregnant but why am I the outlier?  That makes no sense.

Anyway, my Dr. has no problem in moving to Clo.mid.  The chance of pregnancy for me at 37 and already ovulating when adding Clo.mid and a trigger shot is 25% per cycle.  Same for using injectibles.  My chance of multiples with Clo.mid is 10%.  With my good ovarian reserve and age my chances with IVF right now would be 40-45%.  Those are great numbers but I'm not willing to push my body that far, yet.  Talk to me next year if I'm still in this place.

This post makes it seem like I'm unhappy, but I'm not.  I'm feeling more optimistic now that I have this plan in place and because it ups my odds, even if it is only 5 percentage points per cycle.  I'm eager to get on with cycle #5 even though I'm only 9dpIUI today.  Oh, and I want to shoot myself in the belly.  Now THAT will be exciting.  ;-)

Hoppy Easter! 8dpIUI

Nothing to report here.  I'm feeling absolutely nothing but bloating from the progesterone.  I'm 100% certain that this isn't going to be the month.  But I already knew that.  I feel nothing like I did in February when I did get pregnant so I think it is safe to say this cycle is a bust. 

I'm keeping busy this weekend with stuff around the house.  Not much to do in a province where everything, and I mean everything, is closed on Friday and Easter Sunday.  The weather decided to smarten up on Saturday and the sun makes me feel like I want to do things ... and that's a good thing.  ;-)  I got lasagna made, including homemade sauce, and some extra plain sauce without meat for other pasta which will go into the freezer.  Same with the leftover lasagna.  I'm catching up on extra things around the house too.  But I don't think I'm going to get around to the outside this weekend. 

My appointment with Dr. V. is tomorrow afternoon so I'll have more to report tomorrow and hopefully it will be good news including a good plan. 

I've been nominated by 2 fellow bloggers for the Versatile Blogger Award.  Thank you!  I'll have to get around to answering the questions and finding new blogs out there in the blogosphere.  That will be hard since I think I've found almost all of them out there thanks to my go.ogle skills.  ;-)

Awesome!

That's all I can say about the latest episode of The Vam.pire Dia.ries.

And I'm super, super excited about the federal election.  My party has come out of nowhere and is flying up in the polls.  I've been waiting for a major breakthrough on the national scene since I was a child.  And you know what?  This might just be the year.  I'm almost giddy with excitement!!!  I might just go vote tomorrow in the 1st advance poll since I can't do anything else outside the house. ;-)

Back to your regularly scheduled programming ...

We have sperm!!!

I got the 6 vials of sperm I wanted reserved.  If you order 6 you get 20% off and free storage at the bank for a year.  I won't need any until my June cycle but that is an added bonus in case ... craziest of crazies ... I get a BFP this or next cycle.  If not, it is good to know that it is stored safely and that if anything goes wrong it is the bank's fault and they have to deal with it, not me.  Plus I'm relieved that I'm stocked up on sperm until and including my November cycle.  So nice not to have to deal with them for a while.  ;-)

In other news, nothing much going on this cycle.  It is possible I ovulated but I don't actually know.  I've been taking my temps orally as well and I've been continuing that.  It seems like I did have a temp shift but who knows.  And with progesterone suppositories I can't judge anything based on CM.  I've got leakage all the time but especially at the worst of times like getting up from the table after a farewell lunch for a colleague.  Nothing like feeling the progesterone ooze right then. 

I am super happy it is the Easter long weekend, or as I'm calling it this year the Canadian Federal Election Advance Polling Long Weekend.  lol  I don't have much that I have to get done this weekend except for my taxes and some cooking so I think I might just cast my vote this weekend just to break the monotony.  Oh, and I get to start it off with a new episode of Vam.pire Dia.ries and by picking up a Synt.hroid prescription.  But I am annoyed the stores are closed tomorrow.  Why can't I buy groceries tomorrow?  Why???

What Didn't You Understand?

I really don't know what is wrong with the reps at my sperm bank.  What is so hard to understand about 'please hit reply all so that I get your reply at work tomorrow'???  Honestly, can this woman not figure out what this means? 

Yesterday, they had 6 washed vials of backup donor #2 available.  The other backup I was looking has no vials currently available but more will be arriving next week.  I've had crappy luck with donors leaving the program, donors selling out within 24 hours, etc. that I thought I'd better jump on this one.  I told the rep last night by email that I wanted those 6 vials but I didn't need them until June and wanted to know about my storage options. 

I kept checking my junk mail folder at work today.  Nothing from her.  But I had a couple messages about the upcoming law society bencher elections in there.  When I got home I checked my email.  Sure enough, she replied before 10 am and requested that I fill out the order form (which isn't even a form!) and she'd hold them until the end of the day!  OMG!  What didn't she understand about my request to copy me at work?  My message was only 2 sentences long so she couldn't have gotten lost in my prose. 

I wrote back saying politely that if she had copied me at work like I had requested I could have ordered everything this morning.  If those vials are no longer available I might just complain.  If their services weren't so desperately needed this company would go out of business ... quickly. 

Don't even get me started on their crappy unsearchable website.

Where For Art Thou O?

Yep, my O seems to be missing.  No, not that one.  Or the magazine by the same name.  I'm talking about this month's ovulation.  It seems to be nowhere in sight.  I'm very worried.

According to my blood work I had an LH surge on Friday meaning ovulation soon.  The clinic always does the IUI the day after an LH surge which works out roughly to 24 hours later.  On Saturday, I had my IUI.  Not long after that I noticed that my CM dried up.  That's usually a very reliable clue to me of ovulation.  My pelvic pain also went away.  I had sharp pelvic pain Friday night but it was gone on Saturday.  I got excited because I thought this meant that at least I O'd this month.  I was still worried about timing, though, thinking that my egg might not have made it past 12 hours.

Yesterday I took my temp at the regular time.  It went up 0.1 degrees F and thought that was odd but wasn't worried.  This morning?  My temp actually dropped 0.2 degrees F!  OMG!  I took my temp orally first and it was up 0.8 degrees F but my oral temps are all over the place, hence the switch to vaginal temping.  I redid my vaginal temp ... twice ... and it was 0.1 degrees F down from yesterday's then 0.2 degrees F down. 

I called the nurses and left them a message telling them that I might not have ovulated based on my temps and I'm worried.  I want a progesterone test to confirm ovulation.  Okay, I don't know if I ticked them off or something but I got a message back (of course, they call while I'm in a meeting) and the nurse just doesn't seem to understand what I was saying.  She said I had a surge and it was too early to test.  (Flashback: the last time I requested confirmation of O because of spotting issues the nurse, same one I think, was a bit snotty in saying there was no way I couldn't ovulate with an LH surge.  Honest to god ... they really don't know my file ... I have PCOS and an LH surge means O is NOT guaranteed like in 'normal' women.) 

I thought I was clear.  I said I had a surge on Friday, IUI on Saturday and I haven't yet seen a temp rise 2dpIUI.  This has never happened before.  And I was supposed to start progesterone today which I refused to do because it will give me a false temp rise tomorrow.  I want a blood test to make sure I ovulated especially since I have a follow up with my Dr. on Monday.  If I didn't ovulate my Dr. needs to know this so she can add whatever drugs I need to make my first Clo.mid cycle a success which for me at this point simply means ovulation.  I'm very ticked off at the nurse.  What is so hard to understand about "I don't think I ovulated, I want a progesterone test"?

And today I've been experiencing increased pelvic pain on the right side again.  I swear I need to take an ovulation test at home to see if I'm still pre-O. Why is this so difficult?

On the positive side, I might have found a new donor.  Of the 20 whose profiles I requested, I received 19.  I also wanted to know the vial and count numbers because I'm not attaching myself to a donor only to find out he has 1-2 vials left.  I think the rep is a little annoyed with me.  But hey, if your company provided better information off the bat on your website like Xy.tex does most of my issues wouldn't be issues.  So, of those 19 I excluded 7 who have no reported pregnancies.  My bank's website missed 4 of those, i.e. only 3 were listed as having no reported pregnancies.  Okay, so now I'm down to 12 possibles = 10% of the original 114.  I excluded 4 more because the donor's physical characteristics are so different from my family's any child who looked like the donor wouldn't fit in at all.  Leaving me with a whopping 8 donor profiles to look at = 7%.  Of those 7 there are 2 that stand out including one that I had looked at originally but was overshadowed by my 1st donor choice. 

I'm sending off an e-mail tonight to request #'s on my top 2 of this bunch of donors and hopefully there will be 6+ vials available for both so I can make a good choice.  And this time I won't waste even 24 hours.  If everything is in order I'll be placing an order for a new donor on Wednesday.

Donor Stats

So, I gave in and ordered full access to donor profiles for three months.  I just sent off an e-mail and requested 20 profiles.  I'm really hoping someone in there will be a good option because if there isn't I don't know what I'm going to do past May. 

About a week and a half ago I decided to download the list, which is not searchable for important things like CMV status or Open ID.  There is just a long list that I had to print out.  Not helpful.  But I digress.  At the time there were 114 Xy.tex donors listed.  I decided to figure out who was 'available' to me based on things like CMV status, Open ID, and basic physical characteristics such as eye, hair, skin colour and height.  Here is what I got.

• Of the 114 donors listed, 47 have medium dark, dark blonde, blonde or red hair and a mix of eye colours (green, blue or brown) that would work with me and my family.  That is 41% of donors listed.
• Of those 47, 40 are Open ID.  That is 35% of the donors listed.
• Of those 47, 23 are CMV-.  That is 20% of the donors listed.
• There are 22 donors who are both CMV- and Open ID.  So just under 20%.
• However, of the 22 donors who are both CMV- and Open ID only 16 are also 5'11" and taller.  And I come from a tall family so that is why a tall donor is required.

That leaves me with 14% of the donors to choose from. 16 bloody donors. 

I decided to drop my height requirements to 5'10" just for the purposes of ordering profiles.  But that didn't help much because that only opened it up to 4 extra donors leaving me with 20 to consider.

And since I'm now left wondering WTF about my own donor's abilities to create a successful pregnancy I'm only going to choose a donor who has proven pregnancies either as a donor or with his own children.  Of the 20 profiles, 17 have children of their own, successful pregnancies as a donor or both.  I'm back down to 14%.

I requested all 20 profiles just to make sure I didn't cut anyone out that might be a better fit overall but I don't want to choose another unproven donor.  And from those 20 I have to weed out medical and other things I'm not interested in.  I refuse to introduce things like Alzhe.imer's or uterine, breast or ovarian cancer since there is zero history of that in my family.  And I don't want a donor whose family includes diabetes or other related endocrine disorders thanks to my PCOS.  I don't want to give my child more than the already existing 50% chance of inheriting PCOS.

Just looking at these numbers I get annoyed.  Then add to that a short but annoying phone call I had with my mom today I'm just ... annoyed.  She asked me if I'd have news by this upcoming weekend.  At 7dpo?  Really?  Oh, she's heard about those '6 days earlier tests'.  Yes, I have a bunch of them upstairs and I refuse to use them.  6+7=13 not 14 anyway, and my LP is almost always 14 days.  Besides the '6 days earlier' refers to 6 days before your expected period.  So that pushes it out to 15 dpo.  Count back from that and the earliest I should start testing is 9dpo.  I told my mom that the average implantation happens at 7dpo and that it takes at least 2 days for the hormone to show up in your body at a detectable level.  So no, I won't know anything this weekend.  Sorry to spoil Easter for you. 

Sheesh!  You'd think that as a woman with 4 pregnancies and being a lab technologist she'd have the slightest clue.

I've Been Spermed v. 4.0

IUI #4 is done.  It went really quickly.  I had the same nurse as last time.  She remembered to use the longer speculum without a reminder.  But she did have to dash out of the room for tissues after she sucked up the sperm into the catheter.  I got to hold the goods while she ran out.  Hard to believe there are millions of tiny little sperm swimming around in such a small amount of liquid and THAT could get a woman pregnant. The sperm # was up a little bit and the motility was up to 50% from 40% the past 3 times.  So, that was good.

The actual IUI was quick and easy.  My cervix was very cooperative but was tipped down a little this time.  The catheter went in easily and I felt it a little bit once it was in.  But nurse H said that there was no immediate spotting (I did spot quite a bit later, though) and reassured me that even if there was that it wouldn't affect my chances of getting pregnant.  We had to settle the issue of the progesterone Rx again as my RE didn't put that in her orders.  No problemo!  Nurse H wrote out the prescription based on the fact that I've used Endom.etrin before and left it for the Dr. to sign.  I got to hang out on my back on the table for over 15 minutes this time while I waited for the Dr. to check in.

Dr. Happy, the one who did my SIS, was on this weekend and I was wondering what was taking so long this time. When he came in he was in full medical garb complete with mask so I'm guessing he was busy with an egg retrieval or a transfer this morning.  He was happy to sign the prescription for me and said that they think there is no harm in taking the progesterone during the 2ww.  I told him I'd had a little extra cramping this time but that by the 15 minute mark it had gone away.  He noted it in my chart but said that wouldn't affect my chances of getting pregnant so I didn't need to worry about it.  The good thing is that I'm feeling less crampy overall than the past 3 IUIs.

After I was done I did a little shopping.  I desperately needed groceries.  With the cost of sperm eating into my spending I literally had $100 to my name until pay day on Wednesday.  Okay, it wasn't that bad because I've got OT sitting in a savings account but I'm saving that money for sperm and household things like my vacuum cleaner.  I can't just spend it on groceries.  I really needed to get fruit and veggies today.  And I've pulled some chicken out of the freezer to make for lunches this week.  I also stopped at a Pad.erno warehouse sale that started earlier this week.  I needed a new frying pan.  The little one I have is old and I really wanted to replace it because it is too small and it has the old kind of non-stick surface.  The new one is much larger and the non-stick surface isn't toxic.

Once that was done, I got home and grabbed some lunch.  Then I snuggled up on the couch to watch TV while my kitty kept my lap warm during a long snooze.  I fell asleep but woke up in time to watch a replay of The Vam.pire Diar.ies.  OMG!  This week's episode was awesome!

The not so hot thing about this weekend?  This:

I used to think that too [that she, the writer, was infertile]..my sister took three years to get pregnant..and went through two invitros that didn’t work...and I was sure that I would have the same trouble...NOPE!! Fertile Mrytle me!!! Got pregnant with B only off the pill ONE MONTH!! And with A.....even less....so glad I wasn’t a slut in high school...could have been really bad!! LOL

I'm part of a group of friends who spend a lot of time communicating online because we live in 3 different countries, most of whom are spread out across the US.  When I checked in this week and told them what was going on and how horrible I've been feeling about this whole process and feeling like this one just isn't going to work I got a lot of support from my friends, including 2 who went through IVF.  The quote above is the response I got from one of the women.  What on earth possessed her to think that this would be (a) appropriate to tell someone with fertility issues who just expressed how hopeless she felt, and (b) comforting to me in any way, shape or form?  I was so angry I just ignored it.  It is NOT my responsibility to educate others about their stupidity.  Really!

IUI #4 Tomorrow

Well, I hit surge today but I'm not particularly pleased with my numbers:

• E2 = 1029
• LH = 44.83

My LH is lower than last month when I hit surge.  And last cycle I ovulated the day AFTER my IUI.  I'm thinking this one is going to be a bust simply from bad timing.  Oh well, since I'm not thinking this would work anyway what's another thing stacked against me?  

IUI #4 at 9:30 tomorrow. 

CD13 ... and a thank you

A big thanks to all my recent commenters.  I have been feeling so awful lately and even though I couldn't even read some of your comments without crying I can do that now.  And your comments certainly help now that I can focus on them and not my pain.  I've turned a bit of a corner this week and am not so focused on the sad parts.  I'm not sure whether I have felt worse because I decided to go ahead with an IUI in March, post m/c.  But I don't know if I would feel better having skipped March.  I certainly wouldn't feel as bad about that cycle not working and my former co-worker getting her BFP that same month.  Maybe this is all still emotions from the m/c.  I don't know.  But I'm feeling better and that's what matters.

Still not looking forward to Clo.mid but if it can give me a better chance of a BFP then I'm okay with it.  Well, okay not entirely 'okay' with it because I still feel that my body should just do something normal instead of having to rely on drugs.  But that might take a couple years and I just don't have the time for that, especially if I want a couple of children.  So ... back to this cycle.

I was getting a little worried about my body's slow progression but things have started to move a bit.  My ovaries, or should I say the right one, are gearing up for something.  I can feel the right one again this month. Totally dominant.  I was anxious to get the blood work results and they've started to shift too:

• E2 = 874
• LH = 14.3
• P4 = 1.52

While I'm not near surge yet it is moving in the right direction.  I'm just crossing my fingers that I'm not just over 30 tomorrow because I think that would lead to a mistimed IUI.  Last month my surge was 47 the last time it was measured and I didn't O until 48 hours later with the IUI smack dab in between.  My February (read m/c) cycle was perfect.  My LH was 76 and I ovulated the day of my IUI.  Perfect!  I can't control this process but I really hope that my body cooperates just enough that I have a shot at a BFP.  I just don't want this one to fail because of a timing issue.  That would totally suck.  Not to mention it would be a waste of perfectly good sperm and my money.  :-( 

Oh yes, I'm absolutely convinced this cycle is going to be a bust but I can't help but hope that maybe, just maybe, I'll have a good egg, the right sperm will get in there and we'll get a perfect BFP.  I'm allowed to dream just a little, right?  But I do have to say that pretty much giving up on this cycle has made for a less stressful week.  Treating it like it isn't going to work, not planning on temping or testing is really bringing my stress levels down.  So is focusing on my Clo.mid appointment with Dr. V.  I'm just focusing on cycle #5.  Ignore #4 ... ignore it ... it's an attention seeker so just ignore it ...

CD12 ... My Slow Ovaries

Things are starting to drag this cycle.  My levels are not going up much.  Correction: my E2 isn't going up much and my LH is going backwards. 

• E2 = 533
• LH = 8.8

I've spoken to the same nurse all week.  She said at this point an LH of 8, 9, or 10, including one that goes backwards, isn't of any consequence.  But there is no way I'm going to O on CD14 this month.  I really doubt it will be CD15 either.  An IUI on the weekend would be nice so I don't have to use a sick day to deal with the inevitable cramping and my desire to just lounge.  ;-)

I'm slowly coming around to Clo.mid.  I am feeling a bit better about it today.  I just wish we'd been able to add it this cycle.  Perhaps I wouldn't feel the lack of hope this month.  I also gave in last night and paid for 3 months of access to all the donor profiles.  I've narrowed it down and have some interesting stats which I'll share in a future post.  I'm casting a wide net this time and will request a ton of profiles and hopefully I'll find a good back up to my back up, one that I'm happy with and even a 2nd back up that that one. 

And that's about it.  A totally slow day, even for my ovaries.

CD11 & the Waiting Continues

My blood work seems to be a little more on track today:

• E2 = 411
• LH = 10.04

I was a little worried that my LH was a high in comparison to my E2 for CD10 but it appears to be well within normal today.  Good thing.  I'm thinking O on CD15 again this cycle.  A consistent CD15 O every cycle would make me very happy.  Crossing my fingers that my E2 and LH continue to rise appropriately this week.

I had a bit of a craptastic day.  That's my new favourite word, 'craptastic'.  I find myself in a constant state of minor numbness.  So, today started like any other day with that undercurrent of emotional numbness.  But then 2 online friends at FF asked me how I was doing, noticing I was getting close to mid-cycle.  K and S, if you're reading don't worry, you didn't cause this.  I'm feeling it already.  Talking about it just opened the door.  I'm very good at locking away difficult things in my brain, separating them from everything else.  I couldn't do my job if I didn't have that ability.  I do better this way and am mostly able to deal with the ttc'ing and defective body crap now that I'm coming out of my funk.  But when I have to open the door to discussing it I find it just hurts ... and I don't like that at all.  I hadn't cried in a week but I started to today when reading messages to me on FF.  Hey, I couldn't even look at myself in the mirror for a week because I couldn't handle looking at the person whose defective body I inhabit.  Ugh!  I hate this.

Accepting Clo.mid is still a struggle.  I just keep trying to remind myself that REs prescribe it to women who don't even have any identifiable fertility issues to get their BFPs.  It does not mean I and my body are a failure.  I must keep repeating that until I believe it ... but boy, that is going to be hard. I think I feel a bit of a failure in this regard because I've done so well in dealing with the PCOS but obviously not well enough to get a sticky BFP.

I am seriously considering skipping Christmas at home this year, especially without a BFP.  I just don't want to deal with my sister's drama and condescension.  She was perfectly okay with the prospect of me adopting but apparently not with me having a biological child.  I don't get it.  And I really don't want to be reminded of what I don't have right after I turn 38.  I don't know if I can handle that.  Problem is I don't know where to go.  I'm not into sun vacations and Christmas is such a big vacation time around the world that I can't really go anywhere without it shutting down places for at least a couple days.  I don't know ...

I'm procrastinating about reactivating my all access pass with the donor company.  I'm still under the illusion that maybe, just maybe, I'll get a BFP this month and I won't need to shell out more money.  And I'm bothered by the fact that if I have to keep going all year I'll have spent 2 student loans worth of money on sperm ... with no results.  And I'll still have all 3 student loans to pay off.  That really bothers me. 

And every day that goes by the closer I get to the realization that my grandmothers are never going to meet my child.  They're probably not even going to get to know I'm pregnant.  My maternal grandma was just diagnosed with heart failure and is now on a waiting list for a place in a care home.  My paternal grandma (whom I don't like one bit because she's mean) has breast cancer and has chosen the no treatment option.  They are both in their mid-80s.  I'm absolutely convinced they think I'm a man- and child-hater.  I am most definitely not and I'd like to prove them wrong but I don't think I'm going to get the chance before they die.  Oh boy, this post is getting depressing.

Universe?  You owe me big time.  BIG time.

CD10 ... Photo Bonus

Back to another CD10.  Not much going on.  I started monitoring blood work for this cycle this morning:

• E2 = 377
• LH = 9

Definitely no surge yet.  I need that LH >30 for surge.  I'm trying my best to keep my stress levels down this week.  I'm certain that stress during O-week last month delayed my O by a day.  Not a good thing.

I kind of disappeared from my online places over the last week.  I was so tired, angry, and sad that I just couldn't stand looking at pregnancy tic.kers, happy BFP announcements, or condescending "oh, I'm sorry but I know it will happen for you" pronouncements.  I just needed time to grieve another BFN and to come to the realization that adding Clo.mid is probably a good thing and not a sign of defeat.  For years I refused to add met.formin to my fight against PCOS.  Eventually I realized I had done all I could by myself and that the medication could only help me get to that next step.  And now I'm coming to the same conclusion about Clo.mid.  I had so hoped that I could get a sticky BFP without it.  I don't know ... part of me thought that if I could get that BFP Clo.mid free it would feel like I was giving PCOS the big middle finger.  But I can't focus on feeling defeated without a sticky BFP without Clo.mid.  I'm just trying to give myself a better chance at a BFP, possibly more than one good follicle for a better chance at a sticky BFP, and to push up the time table a little bit.  I turn 38 in December and I cannot keep going month after month without stepping up the protocol to get more aggressive.  Adding Clo.mid does NOT mean I am a failure or that my body is a failure. It is just another weapon in my arsenal on the way to getting my sticky BFP.

Not much else to tell here.  We had our first thunderstorm of the season, a major one.  The power went out some time over night and came on again around 4 or 4:15 according to my clock.  The thunder and lightning was very intense and woke me up.  I thought it was about 3 but thought I'd better check what time it was since the clock had been out.  5:30!  Time to take my temp and get up.  Nothing like nature being your alarm clock.  The rain was pretty intense but no damage on our street.  It was way warmer than normal today at 23 degrees C and very humid, a taste of what is to come in summer.  Yuck!

I've noticed this blog is a little short on photos so I thought I'd share a few. 

Kitty hanging out on top of my dresser in the old condo.

This is my kitty, P.  She is officially 'P' but most of the time she gets called kitty.  I've had her for 8 years.  She was estimated to be 8 years old when I got her at the shelter making her about 16 today.  She's mostly well behaved but she has a certain fascination with carpet.  That's why our main floor is wood and tile. 

Me and The Fifi

This is me with my niece, F.  She was exactly 17 months old in this photo.  She'll turn 5 in July.  Her name is unnicknameable but she still ended up with the nickname Fifi.  She couldn't be any more my clone if she were actually mine.  Strange, really.  She has awesome auburn hair with a patch of orange on the side and a patch of blonde in the back.  She also had dark brown eyes, way darker than mine.  And she has the craziest, biggest imagination for a 4-year old I've ever seen.  I love that she's always super excited to see me.  It is 'auntie this' and 'auntie that' the first day she sees me after I've been away a while.  Love that!

Baby gifts ... obviously not for me. :-(

I did some shopping over the last little while.  With 6 new babies around me (5 in 5 months plus one this upcoming June) I've had to spend a lot of time in the baby aisles.  It used to be fun but it isn't really fun any more.  And that makes me sad.  The red one is for The Fifi's little brother, due in June.  The other 2 are for my niece R in Denmark.  I took a look at the tag on the pink one and realized it may be too small already.  R was 22 inches long at birth.  The pink one, my favourite, is supposed to be size 6 months.  But I looked at the tag and it is for kids up to 27 inches long.  And since it has feet it can't work for longer kids.  By the time it gets to R I think it will be too small.  I'll send the snail one instead since she'll still have time to grow into a 12 month sleeper.  And she'll look awesome in blue.  ;-)  I'm going to keep the pink one for now as I'm sure one of my friends or someone at work will have another baby soon.  Then, at least I have something at home and I don't have to brave the baby aisles at the stores again.

Evil Statistics

If it is possible to suffer from dehydration as a result of crying too much then put my name under that medical condition.  I spent the entire day yesterday crying.  Even when I had to leave the house to shop.  Thank goodness for sunglasses.  I felt like a complete zombie.  And I'm sure everyone around me could tell, too because people were certainly looking at me funny.

I'm just so tired and angry right now.  I'm tired of always falling on the wrong side of statistics.  ALWAYS!

• 8-12% of women have PCOS - I'm one of those 8-12%.
• Of those 8-12% of women who have PCOS 1/2 will also have hypothyroidism - gee, I get to be in the lucky 4-6% of women.  I don't feel lucky.
• What other health problem would you like me to list?  I've got a bunch and guaranteed they aren't common.
• 50-60% of first pregnancies end in miscarriage - I'm one of those 50-60%.
• If an IUI doesn't work in the first 3 tries it probably isn't going to work - check this one too.  I'm the only one in my buddy groups on FF who got pregnant and miscarried.  Everyone else who got pregnant is now on to a healthy pregnancy while I get left behind ... again.

I just don't know what is wrong.  Everything indicates that I'm healthy.  Again, I could not possibly have produced 3 crappy eggs in a row.  Not statistically possible with my numbers.  It just isn't.  So what the hell is wrong with me?  And please don't quote me statistics in order to make me feel better.  See the discussion above on stats - I never fall on the right side of stats.

I do have some sneaking suspicions about what is going on and I'm scared that this is going to get a whole lot more complicated.  When I finally get to my WTF appointment I'm going to ask my Dr. when they start testing for other things because I guarantee they're going to find something.  I know it just like I knew something was wrong with me at 15 when all the doctors ignored me or told me it was all in my head.  So, what could possibly be wrong?  Here are my guesses:

• I have an undiagnosed autoimmune issue.  I had juvenile arthritis when younger so the chances of me having a funky autoimmune problem now are pretty high.  Yes, more crappy statistics.
• I have a clotting disorder.  I wouldn't be surprised.  And it would be beyond what already exists with PCOS.  Of course, I can't take ASA because I'm allergic to it.  Yes, more crappy statistics.
• I have an evil fibroid hanging out in my uterus.  I had an ultrasound done a couple years ago and my specialist said they found a fibroid on the back wall of my uterus measuring about a centimetre square.  I refused to believe her because there was also something else weird about the ultrasound results.  I've never had an issue, ever and I believed they mixed up my test results with someone else's.  There was no mention of this in the letter to my fertility Dr. She never discussed it with me.  And they found absolutely nothing on the SIS.  So, either someone is lying to me or someone is lying to me.

But knowing my luck I'll end up with the unholy trifecta of all 3 of these complicating issues.  Did I ever tell you how shitty my luck is?

So, here are my further predictions:

• This next unmedicated IUI is going to be a flop.  I refuse to test and I think I'm going to stop taking my temp post-O because there's no point and it will drive me nuts.  Still debating whether I should even bother taking progesterone.  Probably will since my prescription costs are mostly covered.
• We move on to Clo.mid and those 6 cycles will be a bust.  I'll have to change donors once maybe twice because my luck is just crappy.
• By then we'll be in October and I have until one day before my 38th birthday in December to pony up $12K for a 3 for the price of 2 IVF program with all 3 to be completed within 2 years.  I already know that I'm going to do it if I'm still not pregnant so don't try to talk me out of it.
• I'm going to be particularly bitter around November 6th, my EDD from my first (and probably only) pregnancy.  And of course, Christmas is the next month and I'll have to put up with my uberfertile sister and her new baby while I will have none.
• Somewhere in there my body (or the universe) is going to play another cruel joke on me making me think I've had yet another successful cycle only to miscarry again.  And just my luck it will be further on so I'll have to put ttc'ing on hold for 2-3 months while my body waits to get the message that I should miscarry.
• April 2011 - I'm still going to be going into the clinic, trying to get pregnant and the doctors are going to be completely confounded as to why this is happening to me, my specialist's poster child for how to deal with PCOS.  Doesn't really help to be the poster child if I can't get pregnant and get it to stick for 9 months.
• I'm going to reach a whole new level of bitter and anger by this time next year.  Yippee!  I'll be even more bitter when all the ladies at work who just got back from mat leave go on mat leave again by this time next year.  And my friends from law school have #2 or #3 respectively within this time frame too.
• I'm going to end up having to go back to my adoption plans only I'm going to be about 3 years older and will still have to wait 3 more years to become a parent.  If I went ahead with the adoption plan I would have been a parent by the time I went back to that option.  And I would have had the cash in hand to pay for it in one fell swoop thanks to overtime.  
• Oh, and the best one?  My sister is going to get pregnant with #3 as soon as she can after calculating just how many weeks of work she needs to put in after coming back from mat leave from #2.  All she needs to put in is 16 weeks of work and she gets another full year of mat leave, again.  So, I'm predicting right now that she'll be pregnant with #3 before she's even returned from mat leave and that she'll be off on mat leave again in the fall of 2012.  She'll no doubt claim it is an 'oops' baby when I know very well it is an 'I can't not be the centre of attention' baby.

 FML!!!

FML!!!

You know that former co-worker I told you about a few posts ago, the one I ran into at the clinic on bloodwork day 2 weeks ago?  She had her IUI done a couple days before mine.  We were both on IUI #3.  Well, guess what?  She got her BFP.  And yet again, I did not.

And every time someone who has recently gotten pregnant through IUI or some other ART tells me, 'oh I'm so sorry, I know how you feel/I know how you must feel' I just want to slap them right through my computer.  NO, you do NOT know how I feel.  You have not been dealing with the psychological damage of infertility diagnosis since you were 15 so please, keep your happiness and pity for me to yourself.  You do NOT understand and you NEVER will.

Why is my body so f'ing defective???

FML!!!

ETA: I can't get in to see my Dr. for a 'can we add Clo.mid' appointment until April 25th!  WTF?  The nurse asked me if I wanted to continue doing unmedicated IUI and I said no, I want to meet with my Dr. to change my protocol and I've tried for 2 days to get someone to call me back to set up an appointment and I never heard back.  They only have 1 day a week set aside for follow up appointments.  So, April 25th it is.  

I'm so not going to be able to get emotionally invested in the next cycle.  I can't because I already know it isn't going to work.  What's the point of getting excited or emotionally involved knowing it is going to be a big fat failure going in?  But I can't NOT do it otherwise I'd be sitting there a year from now wondering whether April 2011 would have been the cycle.  Probably not but I'd wonder anyway.

So now I have to pay the new donor IUI fee at my clinic (how nice it came into effect April 1st?).  That means I'll be throwing $800 dollars plus my time down the toilet.  Again. 

Another Cycle Down the Toilet

Literally.

I had some cramping for a couple of hours before lunch.  I was hoping it was intestinal as it was really wide-spread and quite painful.  No such luck.  I went to the bathroom to discover some spotting, dark pink.  One of the benefits of progesterone supplements is that you have to wear liners so at least my underwear didn't get ruined.  I ran to the bank after popping some cramps meds and when I came back headed back to the bathroom before a meeting just to see how bad it was.  It had turned bright red.  I really didn't want to deal with this so I put a tampon in and changed the liner.  Why be reminded of it every time I go to the bathroom?

I now have to cancel a really easy 1-night business trip in the middle of April all so I can do another IUI.  *sigh*  Now I'm waiting for it to turn into full flow so I can call the nurses tomorrow and tell them I'm on yet another CD1.

I haven't heard back from my Dr.'s secretary so I called and left her a message to let her know what happened.  I doubt I'm going to get in to see her before I run out of time to start taking Cl.omid so I think we're just going to have to go ahead with another unmedicated IUI in April and look at Clomid for May.  I've got 2 more vials from my original donor left. My back up choice's new vials still haven't been released for sale presuming there aren't 100 people ahead of me in line waiting for them.  I still don't like any of the other donors available and I really don't want to pay more money for another 3 months of access to their profiles. 

I am beginning to feel like these cycles are a waste of time, not to mention money.  I don't know how it is statistically possible for every single one of the eggs I ovulated to have been crappy.  Is it my donor?  It can't be progesterone anymore since that has stopped the pre-AF spotting issue.  How did my sister end up with the family's fertility and I don't have any?  Why didn't I fall into the 'increased post-miscarriage fertility' group?  My mom did and I'm proof of pregnancy the cycle after a miscarriage.  I just don't get it.

So, my sister gets to continue buying cute little things for her soon to arrive son watching her belly grow by the day, preparing and getting excited about that and moving into their brand spankin' newly renovated home the month he is to be born.  Me?  I get to be excited because I can sleep in this weekend.  That's just pathetic.