Sunday, April 3, 2011

Evil Statistics

If it is possible to suffer from dehydration as a result of crying too much then put my name under that medical condition.  I spent the entire day yesterday crying.  Even when I had to leave the house to shop.  Thank goodness for sunglasses.  I felt like a complete zombie.  And I'm sure everyone around me could tell, too because people were certainly looking at me funny.

I'm just so tired and angry right now.  I'm tired of always falling on the wrong side of statistics.  ALWAYS!
  • 8-12% of women have PCOS - I'm one of those 8-12%.
  • Of those 8-12% of women who have PCOS 1/2 will also have hypothyroidism - gee, I get to be in the lucky 4-6% of women.  I don't feel lucky.
  • What other health problem would you like me to list?  I've got a bunch and guaranteed they aren't common.
  • 50-60% of first pregnancies end in miscarriage - I'm one of those 50-60%.
  • If an IUI doesn't work in the first 3 tries it probably isn't going to work - check this one too.  I'm the only one in my buddy groups on FF who got pregnant and miscarried.  Everyone else who got pregnant is now on to a healthy pregnancy while I get left behind ... again.
I just don't know what is wrong.  Everything indicates that I'm healthy.  Again, I could not possibly have produced 3 crappy eggs in a row.  Not statistically possible with my numbers.  It just isn't.  So what the hell is wrong with me?  And please don't quote me statistics in order to make me feel better.  See the discussion above on stats - I never fall on the right side of stats.

I do have some sneaking suspicions about what is going on and I'm scared that this is going to get a whole lot more complicated.  When I finally get to my WTF appointment I'm going to ask my Dr. when they start testing for other things because I guarantee they're going to find something.  I know it just like I knew something was wrong with me at 15 when all the doctors ignored me or told me it was all in my head.  So, what could possibly be wrong?  Here are my guesses:
  • I have an undiagnosed autoimmune issue.  I had juvenile arthritis when younger so the chances of me having a funky autoimmune problem now are pretty high.  Yes, more crappy statistics.
  • I have a clotting disorder.  I wouldn't be surprised.  And it would be beyond what already exists with PCOS.  Of course, I can't take ASA because I'm allergic to it.  Yes, more crappy statistics.
  • I have an evil fibroid hanging out in my uterus.  I had an ultrasound done a couple years ago and my specialist said they found a fibroid on the back wall of my uterus measuring about a centimetre square.  I refused to believe her because there was also something else weird about the ultrasound results.  I've never had an issue, ever and I believed they mixed up my test results with someone else's.  There was no mention of this in the letter to my fertility Dr. She never discussed it with me.  And they found absolutely nothing on the SIS.  So, either someone is lying to me or someone is lying to me.
But knowing my luck I'll end up with the unholy trifecta of all 3 of these complicating issues.  Did I ever tell you how shitty my luck is?

So, here are my further predictions:
  • This next unmedicated IUI is going to be a flop.  I refuse to test and I think I'm going to stop taking my temp post-O because there's no point and it will drive me nuts.  Still debating whether I should even bother taking progesterone.  Probably will since my prescription costs are mostly covered.
  • We move on to Clo.mid and those 6 cycles will be a bust.  I'll have to change donors once maybe twice because my luck is just crappy.
  • By then we'll be in October and I have until one day before my 38th birthday in December to pony up $12K for a 3 for the price of 2 IVF program with all 3 to be completed within 2 years.  I already know that I'm going to do it if I'm still not pregnant so don't try to talk me out of it.
  • I'm going to be particularly bitter around November 6th, my EDD from my first (and probably only) pregnancy.  And of course, Christmas is the next month and I'll have to put up with my uberfertile sister and her new baby while I will have none.
  • Somewhere in there my body (or the universe) is going to play another cruel joke on me making me think I've had yet another successful cycle only to miscarry again.  And just my luck it will be further on so I'll have to put ttc'ing on hold for 2-3 months while my body waits to get the message that I should miscarry.
  • April 2011 - I'm still going to be going into the clinic, trying to get pregnant and the doctors are going to be completely confounded as to why this is happening to me, my specialist's poster child for how to deal with PCOS.  Doesn't really help to be the poster child if I can't get pregnant and get it to stick for 9 months.
  • I'm going to reach a whole new level of bitter and anger by this time next year.  Yippee!  I'll be even more bitter when all the ladies at work who just got back from mat leave go on mat leave again by this time next year.  And my friends from law school have #2 or #3 respectively within this time frame too.
  • I'm going to end up having to go back to my adoption plans only I'm going to be about 3 years older and will still have to wait 3 more years to become a parent.  If I went ahead with the adoption plan I would have been a parent by the time I went back to that option.  And I would have had the cash in hand to pay for it in one fell swoop thanks to overtime.  
  • Oh, and the best one?  My sister is going to get pregnant with #3 as soon as she can after calculating just how many weeks of work she needs to put in after coming back from mat leave from #2.  All she needs to put in is 16 weeks of work and she gets another full year of mat leave, again.  So, I'm predicting right now that she'll be pregnant with #3 before she's even returned from mat leave and that she'll be off on mat leave again in the fall of 2012.  She'll no doubt claim it is an 'oops' baby when I know very well it is an 'I can't not be the centre of attention' baby.


  1. It seems to me as though life has definitely not been fair to you. Hopefully the fact that you have been able to make these predictions will enable to universe to allow something different and better to evolve for you. You are certainly due your share of good luck. Thinking of you.

  2. Sorry things seem to be stacked against you.


  3. You're right, this totally sucks!

    Is there any way you can convince your doctor to not waste your time with 6 clomid cycles? Maybe just 1-2 and then re-evaluate? I know statistics are always against you, so I hope you can get your RE to work with you to at least speed up the timetable above, and investigate the possible problems you listed. You sound like you really know what you're talking about, and you're being completely reasonable given your past history, so it just makes sense to investigate those different possibilities. If you and your RE can find the problem (or problems) and treat it, and be more aggressive in the TTC efforts, you might finally fall on the right side of statistics. Even someone with the worst luck ever has to catch a break every once in a while.

  4. Sweet lady, you aren't alone. I had 3 IUIs in 2009 and didn't even get preggers. We've waited a year now and I just scheduled IVF on Friday. I'm surprised they didn't have you on Clomid with the IUI's. Anyway, I know it sucks. Take a deep breath. Go have a huge glass of wine. And know that you aren't alone in your battles.

  5. Ugh, nothing is worse than being preemptively sad, angry and disappointed. I agree with bunintheovenplease!...maybe now that you've laid out the worst that could happen the universe will toss back something much better. I hope that for all of us in this struggle. Hang in there.