Wednesday, March 30, 2011

I'm Not Wasting a Test Tomorrow

Change in plans.  I will not be testing until Saturday ... if I even get that far.

I woke up this morning to another temp drop.  My temps are quickly trending downward toward my cover line.  And I woke up with a raging headache, the kind of headache that signals to me that AF is right around the corner.  It is almost always, i.e. 99% accurate.  And nothing helps it and it's made worse by the fact that I can smell EVERYTHING.  I just have to suffer through it and hope it goes away after 24 hours, and if not 48.  I know my body.  This cycle is over.

And of course, today would be the day that stomach cramps show up for the first time in years.  Happened some time in the late afternoon and they were seriously painful until about 15 minutes ago.  It has to be something that I ate but I don't know what caused it.

All I can say is that I'm really disappointed this month.  After a m/c this cycle looked so good, complete with what seemed to be an implantation dip.  Based on 3 cycles of information and physical symptoms I'm absolutely convinced that sperm is meeting egg and I'm even getting implantation but nothing is sticking. I don't know whether I'm the problem, the donor is or we both are.  I've only got 2 more vials of this donor left.  I did another cruise through the donor listings tonight and I still don't see anything I'm interested in.  In fact, the number of Xy.tex listings for Canada just keeps dropping.

I just want to be pregnant.  And I want to be pregnant before June so I, at the very least, have something positive to focus on when my nephew is born.  I do not need yet another reminder from my younger sister about her abundant fertility and my lack of it.  And I'm tired of being used by my sister so she can feel better about herself, to soothe her inferiority complex.  Hey, look at me.  I can have kids, I can have biological kids, I can produce grandchildren.  Who cares what you've done with your life?  As long as I have kids and you don't I feel okay.  Ugh!  When did my sister lose her mind?

If only I could just hide out in the house for the next week.


  1. Your sister sounds as though she would upset me quite a bit - if she were mine!

  2. Sorry this cycle doesn't appear to be turning out the way you had hope. Hoping that the next cycle is better for you.

  3. Sorry Andrea and I can totally empathize. Been avoiding blogging about my totally pissed off recent experiences but just getting ready to fire it off now.

  4. I get you Andrea. We did 3 IUIs in 2010 and sad to say none of them took. We're now moving on to IVF this year. I wish you all the luck and will continue to follow your journey!

    Sorry about the troublesome sister. I'm an only child and my hubby's sister just got divorced, so we are the only HOPE for grandkids. No pressure! :) At least both sets of parents understand our situation and try their best not to push! But it's still there.