14dpIUI, 13dpo

Nothing much going on here.  I think I figured out the mystery of the stomach cramps ... iron supplements.  I didn't take my pill yesterday or today because I couldn't be bothered to get up early (6 am is early enough).  I had a bit of stomach cramping at lunch today too and that's when I clued in.  I'm going to avoid them for a few days as recommended and then try a different type, a slow release or a liquid form.

My temp didn't drop like I had expected but it didn't really go up like I'd hoped, either.  It went up a 10th of a degree, so it basically flatlined.  I guess that is better than a plummeting temp but it would have been a better sign had it jumped again.  I don't understand how I can be on progesterone and still have such crazy temps.  That makes no sense to me.  I've also been having crazy cramping below my belly button today.  I'm pretty sure that it isn't related to implantation or pregnancy, though.  More likely intestinal like gas or something I'm sure. :-(  My breasts are no longer sore and they definitely don't feel full, nothing like last month so I'm taking that as a sign this cycle will be over shortly.

I can't believe the clinic didn't give me a weekend date for a beta.  I get that they want to cut the work load for the weekend workers but I think it is silly to make someone wait until 17dpo for a beta especially when you are on progesterone. 

I still plan on testing on Saturday as that is 15dpo and AF should normally show up that day.  My decision to not test this morning was actually a good one.  I saved a test (those things are ridiculously expensive) and I didn't have pre-test anxiety.  I didn't obsess about it last night, didn't have any difficulty sleeping and I didn't have any negative test results to deal with today.  So I call that one a WIN.  ;-)

On a happier non-ttcing note my central vac system is in and I just need to arrange for an install.  Then I can get busy and super vacuum my carpets.

I'm Not Wasting a Test Tomorrow

Change in plans.  I will not be testing until Saturday ... if I even get that far.

I woke up this morning to another temp drop.  My temps are quickly trending downward toward my cover line.  And I woke up with a raging headache, the kind of headache that signals to me that AF is right around the corner.  It is almost always, i.e. 99% accurate.  And nothing helps it and it's made worse by the fact that I can smell EVERYTHING.  I just have to suffer through it and hope it goes away after 24 hours, and if not 48.  I know my body.  This cycle is over.

And of course, today would be the day that stomach cramps show up for the first time in years.  Happened some time in the late afternoon and they were seriously painful until about 15 minutes ago.  It has to be something that I ate but I don't know what caused it.

All I can say is that I'm really disappointed this month.  After a m/c this cycle looked so good, complete with what seemed to be an implantation dip.  Based on 3 cycles of information and physical symptoms I'm absolutely convinced that sperm is meeting egg and I'm even getting implantation but nothing is sticking. I don't know whether I'm the problem, the donor is or we both are.  I've only got 2 more vials of this donor left.  I did another cruise through the donor listings tonight and I still don't see anything I'm interested in.  In fact, the number of Xy.tex listings for Canada just keeps dropping.

I just want to be pregnant.  And I want to be pregnant before June so I, at the very least, have something positive to focus on when my nephew is born.  I do not need yet another reminder from my younger sister about her abundant fertility and my lack of it.  And I'm tired of being used by my sister so she can feel better about herself, to soothe her inferiority complex.  Hey, look at me.  I can have kids, I can have biological kids, I can produce grandchildren.  Who cares what you've done with your life?  As long as I have kids and you don't I feel okay.  Ugh!  When did my sister lose her mind?

If only I could just hide out in the house for the next week.

To Make Matters More Confusing ...

I got home late tonight, around 7 pm.  I had to stop at the grocery store and decided to get the car washed as it appeared a flock of Canada geese dropped a load on it while flying overhead.  I was picking up my mail. 

While at the car wash I felt a really sharp pain in my lower abdomen.  Thought nothing of it today since what I've been feeling is very pre-AF crampy, not successful IUI crampy.  I get home, go to the bathroom and what do I find?  Spotting.  What?  Why now?  I haven't had any since but I'm very crampy. 

This is just way too confusing.

12dpIUI, 11dpo and a BFN

Yep, nothing but a stark white FRER.  *sigh*  I don't know if this means I'm completely out this month, i.e. that temp drop 8dpo was nothing but a random occurrence, or if there is something going on in there that just doesn't show up on a test yet.  Maybe the progesterone is playing with my mind and body this month. 

I just look at where this is headed and I just don't want to go there:

• I've got 2 more tries with my donor then I need to find someone else.  I don't want anyone else.  I really like this donor.  But maybe he is a dud.  Maybe I have crappy eggs.  I don't know.
• Clomid is looming in the future.  I'm going to have to add it after 2-3 more tries unmedicated.  I've heard awful things about side effects.  I don't want to go there either.
• If this cycle doesn't work, I'll definitely not have a baby before I turn 38.  That makes me sad.  It also means that I'm unlikely to have 2 biological children unless my ovaries perform some miracle and I end up with twins or they behave like a 30-year old's ovaries when I'm 40.

I'm also kind of sad because that former co-worker of mine I ran into at the clinic might just have a BFP this month.  She got a faint line on Saturday on a FRER.  Her IUI was a couple days before mine.  If she got a line Saturday, I should have gotten one today if there was anything going on in there.   If it is her BFP then I'm happy for her and her partner but gee, I'm the one who had a m/c last month.  Why couldn't this one have worked?

I need to distract myself by getting to work.  Had my 1-year home inspection this morning and it was nice not to get out of bed at 6 am but sitting here by myself I can tell I need a distraction.

I'll probably test again in a couple days, then definitely on Saturday at 15dpo.  If I get another negative on Saturday I'll just stop the progesterone instead of waiting for a beta on Monday.  If it is going to be positive it is going to have to show up by Saturday.  But we all know how well a BFP on 15dpo worked for me last month.

11dpIUI, 10dpo and I'm Getting Nervous

Why am I so nervous?  Take a look at my March 2011 Chart, the one at the top of the page.  See that lovely temp drop on 8dpo and the temp jump this morning, at 10dpo?  That looks suspiciously like an implantation dip to me, including the requisite temp drop below the cover line.  I've also had the corresponding intermittent uterine cramping through the day.  And today?  My nipples started tingling/itching like they did last month during my m/c cycle.  I even put lotion on them this morning to make sure they didn't itch from being dry.

I know I'm not going to make it through tomorrow morning without testing.  If that is a real implantation dip a HPT should show something tomorrow, 3 days later.  I'm really, really nervous.  If I don't test I can live with the fantasy of being pregnant even if I'm not.  If I test and I get a BFN it isn't over yet but it won't be looking good with a chart like that.  And if I test and get a BFP?  That would be the best result of all.

10dpIUI, 9dpo

Nothing new to report on the IUI front except that I had a really nice temp drop below cover line yesterday morning.  Crossing my fingers this is an implantation dip.  I had a corresponding drop both orally and vaginally.  Today I had a temp rise although the vaginal temp didn't rise as much as the oral one did.

• Cover line this month (vaginal temps) = 98
• Temp yesterday: vaginal = 97.9, oral = 97
• Temp today: vaginal = 98.2, oral = 97.6

My temp is definitely above cover line, as high as it was the first 2 days after ovulation so that isn't bad.  I had just hoped that it would have jumped higher today.  Maybe I'll see it tomorrow.

The other thing I've noticed is odd abdominal pains between my belly button and my pubic bone.  It doesn't feel like ovarian or O-pain and it doesn't feel like what I was sure was implantation cramping last month.  It feels a little different than the pain I had last month but is still sharp and short-lived when I do feel it. And it just doesn't feel deep enough to be uterine, either. Very weird.  Could be anything but I'm sure it isn't muscle strain.  I haven't done anything to strain my stomach muscles!  LOL

My appointment with the specialist went well on Friday.  I met a nice resident Dr. D. who didn't treat me like an idiot.  Well, not all of my specialists have done that.  I had a very nice one a few years ago who was retraining in Canada and said he couldn't understand why Canadian doctors seemed so reluctant to prescribe metformin for PCOS patients when it was fairly standard where he was from.  Dr. D. was the one who suggested that they prescribe me 2000 mg of metformin from now on instead of 1500 mg.  I told her that since going off Cyclen to ttc that I had been feeling hungry a lot faster, nothing intolerable but definitely annoying when you are used to not feeling hungry.  I thought for sure that my specialist was going to say no way.  Boy, was I surprised when she agreed!  My 2 hour insulin levels aren't sky high like they used to be but they think this will help with insulin control and might give my body the extra help it needs ttc-wise as well.  They told me to take 1000 mg at breakfast and 1000 mg at supper but I know that isn't going to work for me.  I need to take it with meals.  So, I'm splitting the extra 500 mg pill and will take half at breakfast and half at supper.

The clinic has gone electronic so I didn't get a paper copy of my test results.  Boo!  But Dr. D. said that everything looks really good, unlike many patients she sees.  My BP was 118/70.  The 118 is a little high for me but not bad.  Dr. D. said my good cholesterol is higher than normal so she isn't worried about my slightly higher than normal bad cholesterol levels.  She said they aim to have their patient's bad cholesterol under 2 and mine is 1.98.  My weight is up 13 pounds from 1 year ago but I'm sure that 3 pounds of that can be attributed to the progesterone bloat, air travel and lack of sleep last week pre-appointment, and some salty sunflower seeds I ate the 2 days before my appointment.  The other 10 I can definitely work on getting rid of once this blasted Arctic air and bitter north wind leaves.

They're not concerned about my test results at all.  I'm essentially my specialist's poster child for living with PCOS.  Haha!  They do want to run a few tests on the hormones that aren't being monitored every month while ttcing:  DHEA, SHBG, testosterone and TSH.  But in the confusion over the end of the appointment and the fact they started discussing another patient while Dr. D. was writing my prescription they forgot to give me a requisition form for blood work.  I couldn't find anyone after the appointment on Friday as they were either all with patients or leaving as it was towards the end of the day.

I told them I had an early loss last month and Dr. J., my specialist, told me that is probably a good thing because it indicates I can get pregnant.  I told her I'm trying to think of it that way and that we just need to find the right month.  Of course, she used this as a teaching moment and she asked me all kinds of questions about what happened and explained the likely scenario to Dr. D.  Ugh!  But good news is that Dr. J. thinks Dr. V., my RE, is great.  She did a tour through her clinic and also did fellowships so I feel confident that she knows what she is doing and isn't just the new doctor in the clinic all the seemingly uncomplicated patients get sent to first.

On the iron front, I started supplements Saturday morning.  Temp at 5:50, go to the bathroom, head downstairs to take the supplement with a little orange juice then head back upstairs to finish the glass before jumping back to bed.  I'm not sure if it is coincidental but I feel better today.  And no stomach trouble yet.  Crossing my fingers things will continue to go this way tomorrow when I have to eat about an hour after taking the iron.  And hopefully this is just related to the m/c at the beginning of March and things will go back to normal soon and I can get off these things.

7dpIUI

Nothing new to report today except more crampiness and breast pain.  My temp jumped up again today to 98.5 and I'm pleased with that.  I kept the window closed last night so maybe that helped.  I went to bed earlier last night but still struggled to get out of bed today and felt more tired this morning than yesterday.  Lack of adrenaline today, I guess.

I did get a call from my nurse practitioner about my blood work.  How cool that she calls me and I don't have to go in to enable a doctor to charge for my visit?  Okay, at my new clinic the doctors are on salary so they don't get paid per visit but my old GP in the city was a per visit doc.  Annoyed me to no end that she required me to come in far too often for prescription refills.  Anyway, test results are normal except for my iron!  My result was 21 and they want to see a minimum of 30.  So, now I get to hunt for iron supplements tomorrow.  She told me to take them on an empty stomach, not with food, but I should take them with a glass of orange juice because the vitamin C helps with iron absorption.  I never drink juice but this will allow me to rack up some Air Mi.les since they seem to offer bonus miles fairly frequently on orange juice.  Ha!  Always looking for the positive in some crazy new medical diagnosis.  I didn't think this would be a problem for me.  Sure, I've cut back on my red meat consumption and eat a heck of a lot more chicken and turkey but I didn't think my levels would be too low.  I was worried about my vitamin D!

My TSH is within normal levels (1.69) and my free T4 is 13.4 which she also said was normal.  I am a little concerned about the TSH, though, as there has been a steady upward trend since September.  I've gone from 0.66 in September, to 0.93 in December to 1.69 at the beginning of March.  Combine that with my fatigue (possibly iron related too), increasing joint pain, and my constant feeling of cold in the past few months I think that I'm going to need to increase my Synt.hroid dosage soon.  I told my NP that it is highly unusual for my levels to change like that when she said that levels fluctuate depending on the time of the day blood is drawn.  She said to come in for further blood work about 2 weeks before my prescription runs out.  I'm going to push for a bump in my meds because I feel far better when my TSH is below 1.0.

I am taking the day off tomorrow.  I have my annual appointment with my specialist (PCOS) in the afternoon.  I had planned on going to work in the morning but I discovered a plumbing issue this morning and the builder is going to come by to see what the problem is.  I'm still within the 1 year warranty period so they have to deal with it.  I switched showers on the weekend after finally getting the grout in the ensuite sealed.  I used it 3 times with no problem.  In fact, it had better water pressure than the shower in the main bath.  This morning I turned on the shower and hardly any water came out!  I had to switch everything back to the main bath quickly so I could get ready in a normal amount of time.  Totally did that!  Checked the walls and ceiling on the main floor and basement for water leaks before going to work.  None discovered.  But since this is a plumbing issue and I have no idea where the problem is I want this dealt with ASAP.  Still no water flow when I got home from work.  :-(  But the builder rep will be over in the am and we'll take it from there.  So, I'm at home tomorrow morning too.  I've got to tidy up a little bit, mostly vacuuming lest the builder rep think that I live in a kitty hair infested house.

And I'm not even going to discuss my wasted afternoon at work thanks to ridiculous counsel who just doesn't get it.  Either that or she's playing stupid on purpose.  I have better things to do with my afternoon than running around trying to get research on a point that is self-obvious to everyone but her.  Ugh!  Off to bed soon.

6dpIUI ... I'm Exhausted

But not from the progesterone.  Nope, from my short business trip and late flights both directions.  Got to my parents' place at 2:30 am on Sunday night and got home last night at 2 am.  Kitty is happy I am home but I'm drained.

I think I'm tolerating the progesterone better this cycle.  I'm not having the insane hunger or anger issues this time.  I am really crampy, though.  Not sure if this is the progesterone, the corpus luteum (on the right) or maybe a combo of both.  And my breasts started hurting last night.  It really doesn't feel good when the bus goes over rough patches of pavement on the way home.

My temperature dropped the past two mornings but I'm confident it has nothing to do with my progesterone levels thanks to the end.ometrin.  I think it might have to do with the fact that I left the window open overnight two nights in a row.  Monday night it was storming outside but my parents' house was so hot that I had to leave the window open a crack.  I was super comfortable in my long-sleeved cotton top and flannel pants buried under mounds of blankets.  The room was so cold that my sheets were freezing under all those blankets when I woke up.  Besides, my sleep pattern was seriously disturbed over the past 3 nights because of travel over a couple of time zones so that is probably part of it.  Hopefully my temps will pop back up again.

I'll probably be testing around April 1st this cycle.  I'm not sure whether I want to test that day or not.  Do I do it or should I avoid the April Fool's joke by doing it the day before?  My beta isn't scheduled until April 4th, 18dpo which I find a bit long.  I think I'll probably do what I did this last cycle, test up to and including 15dpo and it if it is a BFN I'll just stop the progesterone so we can start a new cycle. 

3dpIUI, Nightmares, and Twiddling My Thumbs

Not much going on here, just sitting here waiting to get through the 2ww.  I do have to run to the grocery store quickly to get something to make for left over lunches this week.  I'm off to the airport today for a couple nights away and need to have something ready to go when I get back to the office Wednesday.

I had the most awful dreams last night!  Absolutely awful!  This is so bizarre for me.  Since I started the metformin years ago I very rarely ever remember dreaming.  I must because it is a function of human sleep patterns, I just don't remember them.  So why did I have to wake up with these or remember them instead of getting something good?  I remember two of them specifically (1) someone coming into my house and attacking me ... not so good when you're alone sleeping at night, and (2) airport/flight problems and some complicating issue that I can't remember ... not so good when you're heading to the airport later in the day.  That first one scared me and I had a hard time getting back to sleep.  I know I've got an alarm system, but still that was awful.  And the second one isn't so scary, just a rehashing of my experiences traveling a lot.  Crossing my fingers that things don't get thrown off today as I'm already arriving at my destination really late, after midnight my time and I have to be up early to drive to my meeting destination.

But the bonus with this trip is that I get to stay at chez parents so I can sleep in a familiar bed and raid the fridge when I want.  And I get to see my niece at some point over the next 2 days.

2dpIUI and Finally a Temp Rise!

Yes, finally got my temp rise this morning.  I was really worried something was wrong so I armed myself with 2, yes 2, thermometers.  They are the same model but my 1st one reads lower than the 2nd so I dumped it in favour of thermometer #2.  I cleaned up both and pulled out the old one for an oral temp today.  That one came in at a whopping 97.8 this am, which is WAY higher than any cover line I've ever had.  Good stuff!  I temped vaginally with the 2nd one, as I have been doing this cycle, and got a 1/2 degree temp jump, up from 97.7 to 98.2.  I've only had this big a temp jump once since I started charting and it was in my craaaazy December cycle which I choose to ignore. 

With the temp rise this morning I was confident in starting my progesterone supplements.  I got the lovely effervescent Endometrin horse pills with applicator again.  I got the Rx phoned in to my pharmacy instead of getting them at the clinic because my insurance plan covers most of the cost right up front.  I hate paying and submitting receipts.  I think I bumped my cervix with the applicator this morning, though, because there was a bit of pink spotting on the applicator when I pulled it out.  It must be irritated from the IUI, still.

I did errands this morning.  The line of credit is now in place.  I'll never use all of it, ever!  But it is ready for a big sperm purchase should that be necessary.  We initially requested the credit for home renovations.  But today we checked off the box saying it was just to have extra credit handy when necessary.  I had a momentary desire to write "to purchase donor sperm" in the space for 'other' but I thought the bankers in TO might think I was nuts.

I popped over to the old health food store which was 1/2 a block from my old condo when I lived downtown.  For some reason my new neighbourhood doesn't have one and we've got 100,000 people living here and in 5-7 years it will be 200,000.  Serious gap in the market.  But I digress.  I finally got to see the expanded store.  It took over the other side of the building it is in and the space that used to be a bar.  Picked up my favourite organic oatmeal there.  I've tried other stuff since moving and it just doesn't work as well for my insulin control as this stuff, even the slow cooking organic stuff.  I bought 4 bags of it. ;-) And I picked up some local honey.  I've been reading how locally produced honey can help you if you're having allergy issues.  Hopefully this will work because my allergies have been driving me nuts lately.

Then I stopped off at a great French bakery on the way back to the car.  I was thinking of picking up one thing but walked out with a dozen really good, fresh hot cross buns instead.  Really tasty.  I think I might run down there on a work day and pick up some more for the freezer.  I then popped in to the mall, which I haven't been to in about a year.  I stopped in at the G.ap to use a 20% off survey coupon.  Everything in the store was 30% off today.  Great deal, if you could actually find something tolerable and that fit.  I was expecting to find things like khakis and walking shorts like they've had in past seasons.  Nope.  Honestly, their stuff just keeps getting crappier and crappier every year.  Even the kids side was horrible.  I was trying to find something to use the coupon on and there was nothing!  I have a new niece and a new nephew to buy something for and I couldn't even find a decent sleeper or body stocking for them.  Ridiculous.  I ended up picking up a couple okay casual shirts that were already on sale and got the extra 30% off.  They'll be good for running errands during our super humid summers. 

I notice that the G.ap now doesn't just have shirts with massive arm holes but they make them even bigger and put a piece of fabric in there to try and cover that up with really bad results.  Why can't they just make something that fits?  I know I've got super skinny arms and a huge chest but really, should you be able to see half my bra under my arms?  What happened to the use of the dart in women's clothing?  That point was brought home when I went to Ban.ana Rep.ublic.  I have a bunch of work stuff from there.  Their pants are very reliable for me and I've purchase one or two pairs a year that now carry me through the cooler months.  But even those were horrible today. I know for a fact that I haven't gained 20 pounds in the past few months otherwise nothing I own would fit.  Why is the size 14 at BR, which always fits, so tiny now?  They were squishing my non-existent butt and I could barely get them closed!  Not to mention any of the shirts or dresses.  They are cut for a cardboard figure.  Really!  Like many women, I have a chest.  Maybe mine is larger than others but what is with fashion focused on cardboard cutouts?  I put this stuff on and I can barely get it over my chest and when I do it squishes it so hard it flattens it and that's saying a lot since I'm a 36H.  Not to mention the weird arm hole thing, oddly placed straps, super tiny hip areas (and I have super tiny hips for my height and size), and crappy fabric.  I picked up 3 knit things because, at least with that, it fits over my chest, I don't have to worry about gaping arm holes, or things not fitting my tiny hips.  I got two thinner long sleeved v-neck sweaters and a cardigan in fresh spring colours all 30% off.  I'm so upset.  I love BR stuff and would LOVE to have more of it in my closet, specifically new tops for work.  But every time I go back the stuff just gets worse and worse.

The only purchase I was happy about today, other than the delicious hot cross buns, was my new runners.  When I lived downtown I walked everywhere.  It was great because exercise was part of my day.  Since moving out to the burbs I've definitely cut back and I need to get back into it.  I got a new pair of Ree.boks with some weird new technology that is supposed to help shape your calves and butt.  They may help my calves which are great but I doubt they'll help my non-existent northern German butt.  They'll take a bit of getting used to since they feel very different from a regular runner with flat soles.  And of course the pair that fits my narrow thin feet best is a new style that wasn't on sale.  Oh well, they'll be good for my feet and I have no 'shoe' excuse to use not to go walking.  Now, to wait just one more week for the snow to finish melting and the weather to improve just a little more and I can get out there.

IUI #3 Done and in the Record Books

Sorry I didn't post last night.  I was exhausted after getting up at 5:30 am a number of days in a row.  Then add a super stressful couple of hours after I got to work because someone else screwed up and it made my life a nightmare for a while.  OMG!  I didn't need that.  But I did post on my charting site and here is what I wrote, edited to add a little more info here:

The sh*t hit the fan at work after I got in but the good news is that I got out of my hearing tomorrow (today). There was a screw up on the location of our end of the video conference and I told my supervisor I couldn't handle the stress right now so they are getting someone else to do it. I know that hour of super stress doesn't affect this whatsoever but I can't help but think it does.

I got to meet my favourite nurse, Nurse H, finally! She doesn't look how I imagined her. lol Because it was a regular business day the clinic was busy and we started in a little room and went over all the paperwork before going into the exam room. I'm used to an early weekend appointment where I get whisked into the treatment room right away and we quickly double check that the vial is the right one and the paperwork corresponds.  This time Nurse H went through everything including my allergies and I got to see the sheet they write down all my blood work results on. 

Everything went well. I took extra strength Ty.lenol an hour before. The speculum hurt a little but my cervix popped right out into her line of sight really easily. Lots of clear CM again this month which is good.  Nurse H even commented on it. But I had some spotting this time. Nothing horrible but it must have been from a slightly irritated cervix on the outside.  Nurse H said that the catheter didn't cause any bleeding but that it came from the cervix itself. I felt the catheter go in this time but my bladder was full so it wasn't because I'd just gone to the bathroom. I can update you and tell you that I didn't spot much at all.  I was a bit crampy for the rest of the day but it was tolerable.  Totally different experience from IUI #1, thankfully.  Because I was already spotting before getting off the table I opted to use the pad they clinic provided.  And it reminded me of why I hate using them.  I don't care how thin and absorbent they've gotten over the years, they still irritate my skin and cause chaffing.
 
Nurse H checked on my endometrin Rx because my Dr. forgot to check something off on the form. So she had to ask Dr. C, the head of the clinic and the on call doc yesterday. He didn't want to give it to me because I'm not on a medicated cycle!  But he agreed to sign off because I'd been on it last month and because my Dr. agreed to it. My nurse said he was sometimes a little funny (not the haha funny kind, obviously) and reminded me that he doesn't know anything about my history. I told the nurse that I have a history of spotting way too early in the luteal phase, as early as 6 days before AF is due and that is why she ordered it.

I also get the strong feeling that the nurses don't know my full file either since the nurse told me hopefully this will be the last they see of me for a couple years. I know I look like I'm barely in my 30s but really?  ROFL!  I doubt my body is going to cooperate enough to give me a baby before I'm 38 and coming back for a 2nd would put me at 40 at least.  Not that I don't want a 2nd one but I doubt my body will get with the plan.  She also said something about being young and healthy. ROFL again! I'm 37, I have PCOS and I'm hypothyroid. What is young and healthy about that? OMG! Even more reason to get the endometrin Rx. I also don't think she would have made the comments about assuming I'm fertile as compared to other people coming to the clinic after they realize they have a problem.  Hello?  I've known about this since I was 15 and I have the psychological damage that comes with knowing you have a fertility problem for over 20 years!  But I didn't tell her that.  If I see her again and she mentions it, I'll tell her it isn't exactly that simple for me.  I wish!

My ovaries still felt full yesterday but I wasn't getting any of the follicle growth pain. I was a little worried yesterday morning thinking something was wrong but I think it was because they'd slowed in growth and whatever is in there was getting ready to pop. I've realized I rarely feel actual ovarian pain. Instead I feel follicle growth for 5-7 days. Very strange sensation when you realize what that is. 

To add to this, today I woke up without a temp shift and had horrible lower right abdominal pain from the moment I woke up until about an hour after I got to work.  When I got to work and went to the bathroom ('cause I have a nice cup of tea before hopping on the bus to work) I had lovely stringy EWCM!  Imagine the horror on my face.  NO!!!  That was just wrong!  I had my IUI yesterday and my body didn't get the memo.  I've spent the entire day thinking this was totally mistimed.  Now, to my body's credit my CM has changed rapidly through the day.  Yesterday I was getting oodles of clear, fertile CM all day.  Today, after that one episode of stringy EWCM it changed such that by the time I left work there was none.  So maybe I ovulated overnight or early this morning.  Maybe that pain I felt earlier today was actually the follicle popping.  I'm just crossing my fingers hoping that the sperm lived long enough that they could jump on the egg as soon as it popped out.  I really don't want this to be a BFN just because this IUI wasn't well timed.  I could handle any number of other reasons but not mistiming.  That would be a stupid, stupid FAIL.

IUI #3 Tomorrow!

I finally surged!  My IUI is at 11 am tomorrow, a little later than the other two I've had.  Here are my bloodwork results from today, CD13:

• E2 = 1313
• LH = 47

The lovely graph over at Wi.ki shows the E2 at 1313 is completely normal, high but normal.  But a reference range I have for an old test shows the upper level for E2 mid-cycle at 1303.  Hello!  That must be one big follicle or I've got a straggler contributing to my E2 level.

So lovely readers please wish me luck.  I am going to need it this round as I'm really hoping this will be the one. ;-)

ETA:  My ovaries are so sore.  The left one started up today so that is why I think I might have a second but smaller follicle contributing to the pain and the E2 level.  I kind of wish I would have had an ultrasound this month but I'll never know.  It is all a bit of a mystery, isn't it?  But I'm thinking positive thoughts tonight. ;-)

CD12 and the Estrogen Keeps on Going

My E2 levels are now at 1003!  The highest they got last cycle were 888.  My LH is sitting at 14.69.  Last month I went from an LH of 17.68 to 76.89 in 24 hours.  I'm hoping that I get a nice jump by tomorrow morning for an IUI on Thursday.

I'm very excited but I have to say that there one downside to high E2 levels and going this alone:  the estrogen induced friskiness.  OMG!  I never noticed this when I was on the pill, obviously.  But wow!  And what is with the nipple 'itchiness'?  And how is it that men just look more tasty too?  Okay, not all of them, I still have discriminating taste but I think you get the point.  Oh this is frustrating.  Just like being the kid in the candy shop who isn't allowed to touch anything.  I can just look.  And stay frustrated. ;-(

CD 11 and the Estrogen Pulls Ahead

I got a nice jump in my estrogen level today.  It is now at 782, way higher than the 467 I was at last CD11.  My LH is now at 8.44 compared to my 8.1 on CD11 last month.  I'm expecting to see a big jump in LH levels tomorrow but I'm now thinking that since things seemed to slow down a bit over the weekend that I'll be doing an IUI on CD14. 

My IUI on CD13 was a bust, the one on CD15 resulted in a chemical so why not an IUI on CD14?

My CM is getting heavier and definitely more fertile.  I always know when it has started because it causes me to get itchy.  Yep, itchy.  I run to the washroom at work just to get rid of it so I can sit in my chair and concentrate, it is that bad.  If my estrogen level jumps again tomorrow (last month it only got to 888 before I surged) I'm going to start getting major EWCM. 

Just please, let that follicle contain an egg and let it be a really, really good one this time!

I Forgot About Today's Bizarreness

I can't believe I forgot to post about this.  This morning while waiting to be called in for blood work a woman walks in to the clinic, hands over her health card and then sits down.  Then there is a knock at the door. (The clinic door is locked on weekends and we have to knock to get buzzed in.)  The woman goes over to open the door and I hear the unmistakable voice of a little child.  I was thinking WTH? 

The child and man at the door proceed to walk right into the clinic, the little guy chattering away as they take off their coats and boots.  Then they proceed to sit down right across from me.  They then proceed to talk about not bringing any paper along for their 2-year old to draw/scribble with and go on the hunt for some on one of the tables in the waiting area.  They then proceed to talk about toys they should consider buying for him.  I have no idea what his name is because all they called him was 'dude' over and over.  Really?

Who the hell brings their 2-year old to a fertility clinic?  I mean, really, what is wrong with this picture?

If they got lucky with #1 then I get that they might be completely clueless about being considerate of others.  But if they had medical help with #1 then I feel it is almost purposeful inconsiderateness. There are 2 parents in this situation.  If she were in for blood work only, could he not have stayed home with the boy?  It isn't like she was going to get the results within a minute and needed them there for support when she got her results.  We always get called at the number we leave in the morning.  If she was there for an ultrasound, why would they want him in the room with them?  Could they not have found a family member, friend, neighbour to watch him?  And if she were there for a procedure like IUI why was a 2-year old there?  It isn't like he should be in the room with them and they can't just leave a kid that age wandering around the lobby/waiting room. 

All I can say is this was a major FAIL by these parents.

CD 10 Blood Test Results

Have I ever mentioned how I hate changing the clocks?  We did not do that back home in SK.  Yes, we're too smart to fall for that garbage.  We sprung ahead in spring back in the 1960s and stayed there.  This getting up one hour early just to have an extra hour of daylight in the evening is garbage.  It was so hard to get out of bed early to get to the clinic before 9:30 (with a 1/2 hour drive in there) for blood work.  Yech!

The results aren't as impressive as I would have thought given my physical symptoms yesterday.  The ovaries are still doing their thing and I can feel it.  Still not sure which one will take over this month.  The dominant rightie or the silent partner on the left?  Here are today's results:

• E2 = 459
• LH = 7
• P4 = 4

I'm not sure what to think of the progesterone level.  Is that normal or is that going to be a problem?  It was zero yesterday.  My E2 chart shows me that my result today is at the high end of normal for CD10.  My E2 on CD11 last cycle was 467 but my LH was 8.1.  I'm crossing my fingers that this will speed up so I can have a CD14 or, even better, CD13 IUI.

CD9 Blood Work

Got the results back.  I'm almost where I was at CD 11 last time.  Very strange. 

• E2 = 393
• LH = 6
• P4 = 0

I'm happy that the progesterone is at 0.  That means I have no left over cysts or corpus luteum from my disastrous m/c cycle. 

While at the clinic this morning I ran into a former co-worker.  She and her partner, same-sex, were there for morning blood work too.  Weird place to run into them.  She asked how things were with my experience at the clinic.  I answered 'okay' because I didn't want to mention anything about the m/c at a fertility clinic.  There were way too many people around this morning.  The lab worker was alone and had a big rush all at once so there was an unusual number of people in the waiting room.  I didn't want to say anything out loud that would freak out any of the other patients.  We did, however, promise to stalk each other on the book of faces. ;-)

I also told a friend of mine by e-mail what happened with my last cycle.  I'm part of a book club and while many of the women are moms there isn't usually someone pregnant at any given time.  Some of the members are child free by choice, some are parents to older children, and a few are parents to younger kids and could possibly have more.  One of my other friends who is a part of this group had a baby in January, one of those no one told me about.  :-(  I e-mailed my friend telling her that I may or may not come to her place if I am in town (my only night out of town is scheduled for the night of April book club and right in my projected fertile period) because of the m/c.  I didn't want to make a show, feel awkward there or make anyone else, especially the 2 new moms, feel weird because of my issues.

My friend and I had a conversation about kids about 3 years ago while shopping for shoes of all things.  She was wavering as her partner really wasn't interested in kids.  He was satisfied being an uncle.  She, at 37, wasn't sure.  I told her I had no doubts, that I wanted to be a mom even if it meant doing it alone.  She was amazed that I just knew. 

She was surprised that I had gone ahead already.  We are going to meet for lunch soon so I can spill the beans.  When I've told people what I'm doing they are very curious as to what donor IUI involves.  It isn't like I'm being abducted by aliens and implanted with hyrbrid alien-human embryos.  lol 

So at last count the following people 'know': my parents, my sister, my supervisor, a friend at work who I blabbed to during a breakdown last Friday, my friend from book club (and law school) and a former co-worker who is at the clinic for the same reason.  And all of the lovely readers in blog land.  ;-)

CD8 and the Ovaries are Aliiiiive!

I've been experiencing ovarian pain for a few days now.  I thought the pain on the right might have been the shrinking corpus luteum from the chemical last month.  Then my left one started to make its presence known.  It is usually the silent partner.  A woman in one of my buddy groups said that she actually O'd early the cycle after her early m/c so that got me thinking, "could I O early this month?"

I've had way too much pain for this to be normal.  I thought about asking the clinic for an ultrasound next week after I start LH bloodwork on CD10, Sunday.  I thought it might be better to see what was going on in there first before calling with a crazy request on CD8.  So I peed on an OPK.  This is what I got.

Sorry it's so blurry.  The digital is crap for taking pics of pee sticks.

I'm stunned because I've NEVER had a line that dark on CD8.  This is so bizarre!  I've sometimes gotten a really faint line on CD10 or 11 but never anything like that this early.  I'm not taking any chances so I left a message with the clinic tonight to see if I can start the LH monitoring tomorrow bumping it up by a day.  If I don't have a +OPK tomorrow I'm thinking it will be Sunday and that would be too late.  If it takes a couple extra days I don't care.  I'd rather try my best to catch this egg than miss it completely.  We'll see if the nurses think I'm nuts tomorrow.

The donor issue isn't resolved yet.  My back up donor's in stock vials sold out but his new ones are stick in a regulatory snafu which the company expects to be resolved in 6-8 weeks.  Yeesh!  The rep told me that I should think about a back up to my back up.  What is wrong with this picture?  I'm on the waiting list for my back up donor as of now.  *sigh*  So, I might be able to get my back up donor and I might not.  I've asked to be e-mailed asap when the moratorium is lifted so I can get vials of this donor.

And to assist me with that I'm changing my line of credit from unsecured (totally unused because it has a 14.7% interest rate!) to secured (prime + 1% = ~4% right now).  I earn ridiculous overtime at work just by doing one business trip a month.  But I don't have a ton of cash sitting in savings at the moment to pay for sperm.  I blew what I had on 5 vials of my 1st donor.  Now I have confidence that I can put this purchase on my MC (hello Ai.r Mi.les), roll it over into my line of credit at a very favourable interest rate and pay it off with my crazy overtime payments.  I just didn't tell the bank it was for sperm.  Instead I told my rep that it was for home reno stuff, which is actually partially correct since I do need to get my central vac, eavestroughs, fencing, etc. completed this year and next.  It wasn't totally untrue ... I just left out the sperm part. ;-)

I'd prefer it if I didn't need to consider a back up donor at all but I'm not feeling it this month, certainly not like last cycle.  Time will tell.

Donor Issues

As if this week weren't already bad enough my back up donor is not available.  He had 8 vials available last week!  I'm waiting to hear back if this is permanent or just temporary.  The rep's e-mail made it sound temporary but I can't be sure until I get the direct word but I am feeling very frustrated.  What is going on this week?

I already have limited choice by virtue of the fact that I'm CMV-, the same as 15% of the population.  So, out of the <200 donors available in Canada through importation of donor sperm (because there are only 5 active Canadian donors) I'm only able to START from less than 30 candidates.  Then I have to weed out based on physical characteristics such as hair and eye colour, height, body build, and skin colour.  Then I have to weed out based on medical history.  I refuse to introduce any female cancer genes into my family since we have none.  Same goes for diabetes and alzheimer's.  What I'm left with is a pretty small list to choose from.

I asked the company rep if they'd be getting more donors because I'm having a hard time finding someone who meets my criteria.  She asked when the last time was that I checked the lists.  February, before my unlimited access expired.  They haven't added more than 5.  And they've pulled some of the European ones for now because of Health Canada regulations over what the donors wrote in their long answer questionnaires.  I don't understand why I see the same 40 guys on the lists every time I check.  Are they really that popular that they keep donating?  Or do they keep showing up for the money and no one really wants their sperm leaving all these donors taking up shelf space from other potential donors whose goods could be imported into Canada?

This isn't like choosing pasta sauce at the grocery store.  It isn't a time to look at the shelf and say, "Hmmm, I don't know but why don't we just pick something because I'm feeling adventurous." 

This is ridiculous.

I Think I Need To Stay Away From The Blogs

At least for a while.  I've come across way too many tonight who, once I check out their 'about me' section or ttc history, I notice got pregnant successfully within the first couple of IUIs.  Sorry, I'm just angry right now.

My Intuition Was Right

Always trust your intuition.  Mine was right this month.  A short-lived BFP followed by a BFN.  I had what felt like pre-AF cramps Thursday night.  Went in for the blood draw yesterday morning and then go to the bathroom to discover bright red spotting even with the progesterone supplements.  I knew what was going to happen.  Later that morning it turned into full flow with the worst cramps I've had in many, many years.  I had to be doped up on painkillers yesterday (and today) and they didn't help much yesterday. 

Based on when my physical symptoms disappeared I've calculated it as this past Wednesday, about 4w3d.  My temp had dropped that morning and I started freezing through the day (and still am), my uterine cramps had disappeared, and my breasts felt different.  That's also when I started getting extremely faint or negative HPTs. 

I went to work yesterday because I knew if I stayed home all I'd do is stew and I'd feel worse.  I didn't get a whole heck of a lot done but I feel better for having gone to work and given my brain something else to do for a day.  Even when I broke down and told my supervisor what happened (she knows I'm doing IUI) and she told me to go home I knew it would be better to stay. 

I got the call from the clinic not long before lunch.  Of course it was a BFN.  I didn't bother to ask for any numbers since I knew that AF had already started and it would be pointless.  I told the nurse what happened because I wanted them to know and because I needed to find out if I could keep going with the next cycle.  I told her that I'd had 3 positive tests at the beginning of the week and things just went wrong from there.  She said "Aw, you were so close."  Yes, I was.  She saw absolutely no reason not to continue with another IUI in March.  Later yesterday when I was absolutely sure that I had full flow I called in to report CD1.  I haven't heard back from them yet today but I expect a call in the afternoon as that's always when I get the calls.

When I got home from the airport Thursday night I called my mom and told her.  Her response:  "That's too bad.  But at least you know you can get pregnant."  Okay, I get it but I had expected something more from a woman who had 2 miscarriages including one in the 6th month.  She said it because she wants me to be positive.  Okay, I get that too but can you allow me a little time to feel crummy first before shoving the positive in my face?  She also asked if they knew what went wrong.  Um no, why would they that early?  Sometimes I think menopause has made my mom's brain obtuse.

Intellectually I know the following:

• At 37 and with PCOS, not all of my eggs are completely and totally crappy
• My donor's sperm can at least get up to my tubes and fertilize my egg
• I can get to implantation stage (which I do think happened in January if my symptoms were any indication)
• One loss doesn't mean that I'm any more prone to another.  Now, with PCOS that's slightly different because our risk of miscarriage is higher than women without it.  With metformin our risk of miscarriage is only slightly higher than normal.

While I know all these things in my head, I'm still not at the point that I'm feeling them.  I still worry that it was a crappy egg, crappy sperm or a combination of both that did this.  Or that there was something wrong with my body that essentially choked off the embryo after implantation.  And I worry that I'll be one of the weird PCOS patients who, for no reason, just seem to have loss after loss.  I also worry that I'll be the unlucky one for whom this was the only BFP she'll ever see.

I'd just like to fast forward through the next few months.

I Think This Cycle Is Done

I took another FRER to see if there would be any change from yesterday.  There was but it is worse.  At least yesterday there was the faintest of lines.  Today?  Absolutely nothing.  I know I'm not delusional; I saw those 3 positive tests Monday and Tuesday.  That means this was a chemical, plain and simple.  I wish that I'd been able to go for a beta on Tuesday but my travel commitments took me out of town this week.  I'm just worried that nothing will show up tomorrow and make me doubt myself and what I saw.

I'd like to have a little confirmation that I was pregnant, even for just a few days.  I know it won't make me feel any better.  Intellectually I know very well that many pregnancies end in miscarriage.  I get that.  I also know that this is not predictive of my future chances.  I get that too.  But right now I'm not thinking intellectually.  I'm still on progesterone and am very emotional, utterly disappointed and sad.  It is completely irrational to worry that this could be my only BFP ever given my age and what are likely to be crappy PCOS eggs but that is where I am at the moment and I can't change what I'm feeling at the moment. 

I just wish the ovarian cramping would go away because it is really annoying and tricking my brain into thinking there is something still going on.

Not Reassured

I did another FRER shortly before supper after holding for 4 hours ... maybe too much holding.  I'm not reassured.  I thought I'd get a good pink line.  Nope, barely anything.  It is really difficult to see and it looks like it might be pink but I can't be sure.

I'm now leaning towards a chemical pregnancy this month.  Those Monday tests with their obvious double pink lines are sitting there on the counter just staring at me.  I feel very sad.

17 dpo - Still In Test Limbo

I followed up my FRER test on Monday morning with one Monday evening because I just didn't believe it.  I got another double pink line.  Both double pink lines are still there, i.e. they are not evaps or some weird false positive.  I followed up Tuesday morning with another one and there is a faint double pink line.  These 3 FRERs come from 2 different batches.

I took a digital today, because I'm insane, and I got a lovely BFN!  I couldn't believe it.  I'm shocked.  I'm still getting cramping.  I would have assumed that if I were NOT pregnant that my corpus luteum would have shrunk by now and that it would only be the progesterone keeping AF away.  My temps have also leveled out, amazingly actually given my post-O temps looked like the Rocky Mountains even on progesterone supplements.  They're still high for me, but more importantly, they became extremely stable at 14 dpo.  My hormones are also off, i.e. I am getting hungry way too early.  I don't mean 'pregnancy hunger', I'm talking about the effect of pregnancy on my PCOS and insulin levels.  Something is very weird, something that I've never experienced before without it actually occurring during AF.

Either that digital is wrong (maybe not as sensitive) or I was pregant and I am no longer.  I don't know ...