Saturday, March 5, 2011

My Intuition Was Right

Always trust your intuition.  Mine was right this month.  A short-lived BFP followed by a BFN.  I had what felt like pre-AF cramps Thursday night.  Went in for the blood draw yesterday morning and then go to the bathroom to discover bright red spotting even with the progesterone supplements.  I knew what was going to happen.  Later that morning it turned into full flow with the worst cramps I've had in many, many years.  I had to be doped up on painkillers yesterday (and today) and they didn't help much yesterday. 

Based on when my physical symptoms disappeared I've calculated it as this past Wednesday, about 4w3d.  My temp had dropped that morning and I started freezing through the day (and still am), my uterine cramps had disappeared, and my breasts felt different.  That's also when I started getting extremely faint or negative HPTs. 

I went to work yesterday because I knew if I stayed home all I'd do is stew and I'd feel worse.  I didn't get a whole heck of a lot done but I feel better for having gone to work and given my brain something else to do for a day.  Even when I broke down and told my supervisor what happened (she knows I'm doing IUI) and she told me to go home I knew it would be better to stay. 

I got the call from the clinic not long before lunch.  Of course it was a BFN.  I didn't bother to ask for any numbers since I knew that AF had already started and it would be pointless.  I told the nurse what happened because I wanted them to know and because I needed to find out if I could keep going with the next cycle.  I told her that I'd had 3 positive tests at the beginning of the week and things just went wrong from there.  She said "Aw, you were so close."  Yes, I was.  She saw absolutely no reason not to continue with another IUI in March.  Later yesterday when I was absolutely sure that I had full flow I called in to report CD1.  I haven't heard back from them yet today but I expect a call in the afternoon as that's always when I get the calls.

When I got home from the airport Thursday night I called my mom and told her.  Her response:  "That's too bad.  But at least you know you can get pregnant."  Okay, I get it but I had expected something more from a woman who had 2 miscarriages including one in the 6th month.  She said it because she wants me to be positive.  Okay, I get that too but can you allow me a little time to feel crummy first before shoving the positive in my face?  She also asked if they knew what went wrong.  Um no, why would they that early?  Sometimes I think menopause has made my mom's brain obtuse.

Intellectually I know the following:
  • At 37 and with PCOS, not all of my eggs are completely and totally crappy
  • My donor's sperm can at least get up to my tubes and fertilize my egg
  • I can get to implantation stage (which I do think happened in January if my symptoms were any indication)
  • One loss doesn't mean that I'm any more prone to another.  Now, with PCOS that's slightly different because our risk of miscarriage is higher than women without it.  With metformin our risk of miscarriage is only slightly higher than normal.
While I know all these things in my head, I'm still not at the point that I'm feeling them.  I still worry that it was a crappy egg, crappy sperm or a combination of both that did this.  Or that there was something wrong with my body that essentially choked off the embryo after implantation.  And I worry that I'll be one of the weird PCOS patients who, for no reason, just seem to have loss after loss.  I also worry that I'll be the unlucky one for whom this was the only BFP she'll ever see.

I'd just like to fast forward through the next few months.


  1. I am so sorry. A negative HPT is bad enough, but positive HPTs, followed by a BFN is just cruel. I hope you're able to spend some quiet time on the couch with a big bowl of your favorite ice cream and a good movie.
    Thinking of you -

  2. I'm really sorry too. Not sure what else to say - just a big hug from me!
    Take care